“Three weeks,” I said, my voice broken with sadness. I laughed without humor. “I’m sure you’ll be told come morning.” Luis was the priest my family used—the entire cartel used. My father had helped him achieve his goal of becoming a priest—of course, having someone loyal and connected to the family worked in our favor. But Luis was also my friend. And the only person who knew about Tanner and me. I had told him in confession.
Luis nodded. “And you still haven’t heard from Tanner?”
“No.”
Luis ran his hand over his face. “I . . . I don’t know how to stop this for you, Lita. I have no idea how to make this go away.”
“Refuse,” I said, joking, but wishing it could be true. “Refuse to marry us.”
He leaned against me. “I wish I could.”
“I love him,” I said. The only other sound in the room besides our breathing was the small clock on the wall. “I still love him, Luis. So damn much.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “I wish I could stop, but I don’t know how.” My vision blurred with tears. “I just wish I could see him. I wish I could talk to him. Hold his hand . . . see what he looks like now.” I smiled. “If he has more tattoos. If he has grown out his hair.” My chest ached with the pain of his absence. “If he looks older . . . if he still rarely smiles . . .”
“Lita—”
“I know it’s futile, Luis. I know I am to marry Diego. And I know the life I am bound to.” I faced Luis. “I just needed to speak to someone who knows about us.” I glanced at the seat beside me. And I could see the ghost of Tanner beside me, his hand holding mine. He was so clear to me he could have been sitting here with me only yesterday. Memories faded over time, yet my memories of Tanner never did. They were vibrant and rich in color. Just as alive as he was to my heart.
“It was always a doomed love, Lita,” Luis said. I knew he wasn’t being harsh. It was true. “The heir of the Ku Klux Klan and the Quintana cartel princesa. In every way possible you were not meant to fall in love.”
“I fell in love with his soul, Luis. Not his skin color or the family he was raised in. And he fell for mine.” I exhaled a long breath. “In a perfect world, we would be together.”
“Lita, you and I know that this life, the life we belong to . . . it is far from perfect. The world he is from . . .” Luis paused, seemingly struggling for words. “I mean, he didn’t like you at first, simply because you’re Mexican. Strongly disliked you, Adelita.”
“I know.” It was true. But hate eventually turned to love.
“It’s been over two years, Lita . . .” Luis’s voice drifted to nothing in the stale room. “He hasn’t returned—”
“It’s not safe,” I tried to argue, but I felt the seeds of doubt start to plant in my stomach.
“No word, Lita. The Klan and your family are still as close as ever. And now they are at war together.”
“I can’t find anything out.” I thought back to all of the times I’d tried to listen in on my father’s meetings with the Klan representatives. Of the times I’d listened to Diego’s phone calls. Begged my father to let me in, to no avail. I wiped a stray tear that had fallen from my eye. “But he is never mentioned.”
“Maybe he’s moved on . . .”
“We made a promise.” My words were steel. “We made a vow to one another. I will not let that go. I won’t . . . can’t.”
“Two years ago, Lita. In this life, the life you’re in—that he’s in—that’s a very long time.” I knew Luis was making sense. But just the thought of never seeing Tanner again . . . never having him hold my hand and kiss my mouth, never having him above me, making love to me. Him inside me . . . “I don’t know how to live this life without the hope of him in my heart. The hope of us, the hope of what, together, we could be.”
With every day that passed in those two years, that bright light of hope had dimmed to a whispered flicker of a dying star. There had been no word. No fight to be beside me.
He hadn’t come for me like he’d promised.
“Lita, I hate to say this, but . . . I think it’s time that you move on.” I flinched as if he’d struck me. Luis’s hand gripped mine tighter. “Listen to me, Lita. You deserve to be happy.”
“I can never be happy with Diego.” My voice was rock-solid with conviction.
“You aren’t happy waiting for Tanner either.” Luis paused for a tense second, then said, “You don’t live, Lita; you exist. That’s no life to have.” Luis sighed. “He may have moved on. He may have found someone else. Someone who doesn’t stand against everything he is, was raised to be.” Luis rubbed his head as if he had a headache. “He is to inherit the Klan in Texas. You are Quintana’s daughter. How will your love ever work? He can’t have you as his in his world. And you certainly cannot have him in yours. Your father would kill him on the spot.”
My free hand moved over my sternum, rubbing the sudden knot that made it difficult to breathe. I glanced at Luis’s hand in mine. The darker skin. The proof of our heritage. My skin was slightly lighter than his, almond to his tan, but it was there. A Latina’s tone. We were Mexican. I wondered if Tanner had held another’s hand since he’d left my bed. Wondered if he’d held a hand that matched his pale skin. Matched the WASP blood that flowed thickly in his veins . . .
Wondered if he once again thought of our entwined mixed-hued fingers as repulsive. Wrong.
Did he see me as a moment of weakness? See our love as a betrayal of his race?
The very thought made my soul cry. Because I could never view him in such a way.
“Seeing you like this—so broken, hopeful, but at the same time completely haunted—it makes me glad I’m married to the church. I’ve always observed that love can destroy as well as heal. It all depends on luck and circumstance.” Luis didn’t laugh. He wasn’t making a joke. He was serious.
I thought he had a point. This pain that lived within me, the dark side of love that spread like cancer within my every cell, at times, made it impossible to breathe.
Nothing was said after that. I just sat in silence with my friend, comforted to be in the company of someone who knew it was Tanner Ayers that I loved and kept in my heart. Even if it was no longer returned. With Luis there was no need to hide. I was so tired of hiding.
When I got home, I crawled into bed. But as heavy as my lids were, sleep didn’t find me. I heard the footsteps of my father’s men patrolling outside my windows. I heard the crickets in the grass outside singing their nighttime song.
Rolling to my side, I stared at the box I kept locked. I stared at it, willing myself not to open it. I hadn’t let myself open it in over a year. But tonight, with Luis’s words playing havoc with my mind, I couldn’t resist. I reached over and opened the box. The small piece of white fabric immediately stared up at me. I swallowed back the lump in my throat and gently picked it up. My hands shook as the tiny bit of cotton fell into my palm. The scrap of torn t-shirt felt as heavy as the most precious gold in my hand.
I closed my eyes and could still feel Tanner on top of me. I felt his rough hand take hold of mine. Opening my eyes, I slid off the extravagant ring Diego had placed on my finger and let it drop to the comforter. Then I slid on the small makeshift ring Tanner had made me years ago. It sat on my finger, the cotton’s frayed edges as stunning as diamonds to me. Curling my hand, I brought it to my nose and inhaled. As the faint notes of Tanner’s cologne drifted into my nostrils, it suddenly didn’t matter how much time had passed since I had seen him. In this moment he was here beside me. And in my heart, he occupied every possible bit of space.