Shit. I pull away from her grasp, clenching my teeth and feeling a bit irritated. A bit ashamed. My heart is still lodged in my throat and I can’t respond for a moment. I'm feeling her judgment.
I part my lips to reply, to make up some lie, some defense, but then close them. Nat’s seen the bruises before. This is nothing new. She knows where they come from, and she knows that they’re there with my consent. That it’s just a kink.
I try to swallow, but my throat is dry. I hate how she does this to me. She makes me feel guilty.
Nat places her hands on her hips and glowers at me when I offer no response. “Well? And don’t tell me it was just how you and Danny like to play,” she says but her voice cracks with pain. Her nostrils flare as she glares at my arm. “I don’t believe it. Not this time.” A part of me loves her for caring. Another part wants her to fuck off. We’ve gone around and around with this issue. It’s how I’ve dealt with it all. It’s the one thing that worked. Or used to work.
The very mention of his name sends a chill down my spine and causes my skin to prick with anxiety, although it never used to. If it weren’t for Danny, I wouldn't be here. He helped me when I was at my lowest point in my life, saving me from darkness that was on the verge of swallowing me whole. There’s no reason I should feel like this, but I do. I feel… afraid.
I pull my sleeve down, focusing on breathing and ignoring her. I need to talk to him. I’m not into this lifestyle like he is. It worked for a while, so he was right about giving it a shot. I’m just not sure I want to keep doing it.
But I owe him. And he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to stop. Even if there’s no sexual pleasure in it. He’s not my boyfriend. Only my Master. He gives me the release I need to get rid of this sadness through an outlet of pain. But it’s not working anymore. I don’t know what changed.
“It’s nothing,” I say hastily, quick to cut her off the path she’s heading down.
“Nothing?” Nat asks in disbelief. “That looked like a hell of a lot more than nothing.”
I give her a big fake smile in an attempt to put her at ease, trying to hide the anxiety that’s twisting my stomach. “It’s not though, trust me. Really, it’s nothing,” I lie as my throat closes and my chest feels hollow, “I enjoyed it actually.”
Natalie stares at me for a long time, her big brown eyes roving my face, searching for honesty.
Finally, she shakes her head and the moment she does, I feel a wave of relief. I can’t lose her. I have no one else. No one but Danny. Even though I don’t want him anymore. Not like that though. I never wanted him like that. “I know this is supposed to be,” Nat takes in a breath as she looks to the door again and waves her hand in the air, “the thing you guys have, but I’ll never be able to understand it. And quite frankly, it scares the shit out of me.”
I don’t blame her. Most people wouldn’t understand. In fact, no one I know does. I don’t even remember why I wanted this to begin with. He said it would heal me and in a way, it did. But it’s grown to be something different, and it doesn’t feel like healing anymore. It’s turned into something else. “But if it makes you happy and you’re getting laid, I guess that’s all that matters,” Natalie mutters, clearly upset, but at least she’s leaving it alone. I’m not getting laid, although she doesn’t have to know the specifics. I’ll fix this. I just need to tell Danny that I don’t want it anymore and that I’m fine without it. Although I really don’t know if I am fine. I will talk to him though... soon. I feel guilty for even thinking about it. Danny’s done so much for me; I owe him my life. I feel ungrateful for wanting to complain, but it’s time for me to move on.
“Maybe you should try it sometime,” I suggest playfully, trying to lighten the tone, but I immediately regret it.
Natalie shakes her head vigorously. “Hell no. I like my vanilla sex with pulsators just fine, thank you very much. I’ll leave that freaky shit to you. “I huff out a dry chuckle, but I can’t shake the feelings stirring in the pit of my stomach. I agreed to this M/s relationship, at at times I even wanted it. But now I don’t know how to get out.
“Ari?” Nat asks, breaking me out of my thoughts. I refocus my eyes on her face. “You sure you’re okay, Hun?” The words are on my lips. I could tell her everything about how I feel right now. Doing it would be like a weight lifted off my chest. I would finally have someone I could confide in about what’s really going on in my life. But that’s not what I do.
“Ari?” Nat presses when I don’t respond. I flash her a smile and reply, “I’m fine,” when deep down, I know I’m not.
Chapter 3
Zander
The Mercedes practically purrs as I park in the large, ten-story garage attached to the Parker business suite. This isn’t the first time I’ve been in here. I don’t own it, but I own plenty of men who sit behind the desks in this building.
And one of these fuckers is Danny Brooks.
The car door clicks shut and the alarm beeps as I walk across the concrete ground toward the entrance.
A smile creeps casually onto my lips as the greeter nods his head toward me, the automatic doors opening behind him. “Good evening, sir,” he says in a raspy voice that’s more comforting than anything else. His grey hair is barely noticeable under the tweed cap that matches his vest. As he smiles broadly at me, the wrinkles gather around his pale blue eyes.
“Good evening,” I respond politely, heading straight into the building with a casual pep in my steps. The polished marble floors and stark white walls with gleaming steel framed ceilings make the interior seem so much brighter. Every bit of light is reflected off every surface. The sounds of heels clicking, people chattering and the large fountain in the center of the room spilling water over the edge immediately flood my senses.
It’s almost five o’clock, close to quitting time and for a Friday, the main lobby is fairly empty already. But I know Brooks is still here. Charles knows his routine. He’s useful for that, and damn good at what he does.
I head straight to the far wall, my hands in my pockets and the hint of happiness on my face. Always smile. Make them wonder what you’re up to. I remember the words my mother told me once. Back when I thought it was playful… when I thought she was happy. I didn’t learn the darkness behind her words until much later. Until it was too late.
The elevator doors open and a man in a crisp grey suit exits, all the while loosening the black tie around his neck and holding his briefcase in his other hand. Two women exit behind him, walking closely and speaking in hushed voices. As I enter the empty cart, I hear them laugh in unison, although it dims as the doors close, leaving me alone and in silence.
I push the button for the twenty-sixth floor, lighting up the ring around the number to bright green and instantly I’m ushered upward. My heart starts to race. It’s not every day that I do this; in fact, it’s a rarity. I hardly ever have to put pressure on my business associates. Let alone make them fully aware that they can’t fuck with me and my money.