Taking a sip of her shake, Carla chuckles, her eyes alight with mischief. She looks absolutely lovely today sporting a ruby red dress, the hem coming just above her knees and showing off her nice calves, her hair pulled back into a ponytail with a curl on the end, and her nails painted the same color as her dress. Red pumps adorn her feet, and I think she’d give even the most seasoned fashion model a run for her money with how much she’s working that outfit. She sure is a vision in red, let me tell you. “So what’s so bad about that?”
I shake my head, biting into another fry and doing a little shrug. “I don’t know. Don’t you think it’s weird that I couldn’t get off without fantasizing about that before?”
Carla waves a fry at my face as she swallows down a huge gulp of her shake. “Hell no. That’s why we’re Subs. We like it kinky… and rough. I can see how someone can find it hard to get off without that fantasy.” She makes a face. “It’s not something that’s a problem for me, but I definitely can relate.”
The way she’s acting makes me want to tell her about the rape, but I fight down the urge.
I’ve gone this long without telling her, I think to myself, there’s no reason to tell her now. Besides, she just accepts that’s it’s a fantasy, and that’s all she needs to know.
Carla lets out a little evil chuckle, pulling me out of my thoughts. “Although… Lucian must be a real grandmaster in the bedroom to make you cum without that fantasy.”
Lucian.
The very thought of him fills me with hope. And despair.
For the first time ever, I’d cum without the fantasy of being raped. I’m still in shock. It’s amazing when I think about it. No one had ever been able to do it. Not even when I’ve touched myself.
And yet, I still don’t know what’s going to happen between us. I still don’t know if I’ll be able to get there continuously without that fantasy. I’m nervous and apprehensive and hopeful, all at once. I’m just a mess.
Carla is smiling at me, mistaking my quietness for something else. “Look at you!” She lets out a little chirp. “I think you’re in love.”
My mind snaps back to the present, and I focus on Carla’s face, wanting to deny it. But I can’t; she’s right. I’m falling in love with Lucian. But I’m doubting our relationship will ever be anything more than what it is--a contract for sex. And it hurts. “No I’m not,” I lie.
Carla laughs at me. “Don’t lie to me, Dah. I totally see it in you. The way you look when you talk about him, how you’ve been acting this past month. Your feelings definitely go beyond the boundaries of a Sub and her Dom. I should know, since the same thing happened to me.” She waves her hand at my face as if she’s fanning me 'cause I’m burning up. “Face it, Dah, you’re done for.”
“And you’re totally dumb,” I growl, causing her to laugh. “Seriously though, I don’t know what’s going on with us. You know when my contract is up, he can just find a new Sub, right?” A heavy weight presses down on my chest. That’s exactly what I keep thinking is going to happen. That he’s going to get tired of trying to heal me. Get tired of me being broken.
Carla frowns, put off by my pessimistic attitude. She finishes her chocolate milkshake and tosses the cup in the trash. It’s ten past one. Our lunch break is over. “Don’t say that, Dah. You have to have hope that things will turn out right.”
That’s the thing, I tell myself, as I finish off my burger and then get up to toss the rest of my meal in the trash, I don’t want to give myself a sense of false hope.
I spend the rest of the day going over emails and fashion designs in my office, ignoring everything and just focusing on work. I’m just about to close up and head down to the first floor to await my drive over to Lucian’s when I receive an unexpected call.
“Hello?” I answered in a guarded voice.
“Dah!” my mother’s raspy voice greets me with more pep than I remember. With how scratchy her voice is, I can tell she’s been hitting the cigs pretty hard lately, probably up to several packs a day. “Hey honey, how have you been?”
This is the first time in recent memory that I've been ecstatic that my mother’s called me. I haven’t heard from her in so long, her voice is like music to my ears. It should piss me off that I’m just now hearing from her, but I’m so happy to have someone to talk to. Maybe I can even get the courage to talk to her. She doesn’t know about my issues, but I could tell her about Lucian, even if it’s not real. I could tell her about the paper and that I’m in a relationship. I want to. I’m dying to talk about it. I don’t know why, but I just need to talk to her. “Hey Mom!” I greet her cheerfully, “I’ve been alright, how have you been?”
“Good, good. I’m glad you’re doing okay, honey. I’ve been worried about you.”
I smile. Mom seems like she’s called me with genuine concern. I open my mouth to start telling her about my situation, when she cuts me off with, “I got your text.” Her voice has dropped several octaves, signaling that her mood has shifted. “I can’t really help out in the money department right now,” she finishes.
If it weren’t so sad, I’d laugh. Figures she’d call when I most likely won’t need the help. I part my lips to tell her I should be set for a pretty good while, but then close them, realizing it’s probably not wise. I shouldn’t tell her about the money, which I haven’t received yet. Knowing my luck, she’d try to ask me for some, claiming I owed her a cut for birthing me into this world. And that money is just enough to pay off all my debt. Every cent of it. After taxes I’ll have a little left over while I’m waiting to start a real job, something that’ll actually pay me. “That’s alright, Mom. I worked things out with the school and everything will be fine.”
“Oh honey, I’m so happy for you,” Mom says, zero happiness in her voice. “I’m so glad you were able to fix things, I really hated having to turn you down.”
I want to say something nice in return, but I can’t find the words. She really doesn’t give me much to work with.
The call goes silent except for the atmospheric static.
“I’m going to see Todd for Christmas,” Mom announces when the silence stretches past fifteen seconds.
I perk up at the news. Even though I’m upset with her, I would love to see her. So much has gone on in my life since we last talked, it would be nice to enjoy each other’s company. And I still haven’t met Todd. I’d like to though. It seems like this must be serious between them.
“Do you want me to come, too?” I ask. In the back of my mind, I’m thinking about Lucian. Our thirty days will be over soon. My heart hurts thinking we could be over, too. Even if we aren’t, I don’t know if he’d want me around. After all, I’m his Sub. I have to keep reminding myself that.
And he has his own family, I tell myself, remembering the sister he’s mentioned to me that he cares so much about, even though he hates his parents. It’s something else we have in common. He feels like his parents have done him wrong and I feel likewise, and we both have such screwed-up pasts, though I’d argue mine is a bit more screwed-up than his. Well maybe not more, but different. I almost huff at a humorless chuckle at the thought. Still, Lucian’s past gives him special insight on my problem, helps him understand me. He knows what it feels like to be hurt by someone who claims to love you, to be betrayed by the very people you trust.