“Who are they?” I asked Tanya.
She was the one I was closest to. She had just turned eighteen, so she would be moving out soon.
“I’m not sure, but I don’t feel good about them.” She shrugged. “The woman keeps looking me up and down like I’m a piece of meat or something.” She shivered visibly, disgusted.
It did seem weird how they were focused on all the girls getting ready to move out.
“Stay with me. Let’s go to school.” We stood together, leaving the place.
That evening there was tension in the air as Rita tried to be extra nice to all of us. It was so out of character for her, we knew something was happening. I held the knife I had found on our walk home close inside my pants line.
“Wait until you see the new van I just bought girls! You will love it. My new business partners have given me quite an advance.” She walked around with a stupid grin on her face. “I’ve never had a new car before.” She said beaming.
Patty, usually a quiet girl, asked, “What kind of business, Mrs. Trumble?”
“They are going to give you girls respectable jobs when you turn of age. Isn’t that wonderful?” She smiled a fake smile.
Tanya and I looked at each other. If we were getting the job, then why was she getting an advance?
That night I was woken up by screams. I recognized Tanya’s voice, so I jumped out of bed. To my surprise, my door was locked, from the outside. I couldn’t get out. I yelled, kicked, tried everything I could, but to no avail. I tried to pick the lock with the pointed edge of my knife, but found out it wasn’t as easy as it was on TV.
The next morning, when I heard the lock click open on my door, I jumped through it, demanding answers.
Tanya, and four other girls who were aging out this year, were gone. Rita was humming a happy tune about they had a job out of the country to start right away.
Something was very wrong, but no matter who I went to, the teachers, the counselors, even my caseworker – they just thought I was over reacting. All I knew was, I’ve never seen or heard from Tanya or the others again.
Chapter 4
Purity
This was my favorite times of the day, when I was kneeling before the altar and confessing my sins. I had so many wrongdoings, I felt like I needed cleansing so badly. I would always look at myself as the one neck deep in maggots and filth, begging to be forgiven, begging for our Redeemer to save me, expunge my sins and help me understand my purpose.
My penance was really high all the time and I often wondered, was it because I was being tested? I had lived my entire life on my own, except for the brief time I had Tanya, yet my need for acceptance by the Mother Superior was fierce, but not as strong as the love I needed from the Lord. That was why, if I had to attend to all of the carnal sins in this building, then that was the least I could do. It was because I knew, in my heart of hearts, it could be so much worse.
I loved the zinging sensation I got when I got down to pray. It was like he was resonating through me to tell me what he would need. I would gladly deliver his message, be it loving or harsh, I would be as merciful as I could, although the troubling situations happening in his name, made me think his deliverance would be severe.
I always started off praying for Tanya and the other girls who just disappeared in the middle of that fateful night. After, I set to work on my sins for the day, then I simply sat and listened to what God wanted of me. It was the most peaceful thing; I couldn’t even describe it if I wanted to. It really was a shame that not all of the convent's residents spent more time listening then they spent doing.
Sadly, my time was up, so I needed to go do my kitchen chores. They would’ve just eaten afternoon meal; I would scrub the dishes so they would be clean for dinner. That actually was not so bad either. Honestly, as I thought about it, if I could spend my entire life in the nunnery doing menial chores and spending time in prayer, I would die a happy woman. However, the appetites of men must be met.
I understood this more than others perhaps. Maybe because the two priests made sure I did, or maybe because in this society, it just simply was.
Standing in front of the kitchen window as I scrubbed pans, I looked wistfully at the garden out the window. I would need to prove my worth before I could work outside. In a way, I left one prison to come to another. The difference though – this prison was my way out. No one made this choice for me.
Finishing up with the cleaning, I fixed a sandwich and sliced an apple. Praying for the food the lord supplied, I sat down with my simple meal.
The sisters ate three times a day, I was permitted two on my regimen. In all honesty, two was truly enough to sustain my body. Plus, and the Lord would have it, he would send someone to slip pieces of cake, or a piece of fruit under my door every evening after I was sent to my room.
My guess was, it was Sister Hanleigh. She was the only one who deigned to even take a peek at me. I don't know what she saw in me, but I was glad that not everyone looked at me with disdain. Once, I’m pretty sure she winked when she passed me by. It was a nice gesture; however, I could only guess the trouble she would get in with the Mother if she was found out, and I surely wasn’t worth it. I would be one day, but I needed to prove myself, and I had every intention of doing that.
6 Months Ago
Every year was the same. The girls that turned of age, Rita had them transported somewhere unknown in the middle of the night. She told my caseworker it was easier on us to do that then to drag out a goodbye. I didn't believe her lies, but there wasn't much I could do. Our caseworkers ate that shit up, either because she was naïve or because she didn't care enough. I knew I needed to do something, but I was at a loss.
In my senior year, I got a new English literature teacher. She was young and full of ideas. Renewing all of our interests in the classics, she soon turned out to be one of my favorites.
As my birthday drew closer, I knew I just had to leave. I tried sneaking out in the middle of the night, making it as far as the driveway when the nosy ass neighbor called Rita. She literally dragged me by the hair and threw me in my room. She took a leather belt and she beat the shit out of me, then left me lying crumpled on the floor. She turned around, left, and locked the door. I dragged a shoebox I had hidden under my bed and opened it to look at the remains. It calmed me down enough when I started visualizing that one day, it could be Rita. I laughed of joy, thinking that fat bitch would need a much bigger box.
Driving me to school the next day, she informed me she would be picking me up also. It was her way of keeping tabs on me. I then realized I was more trapped than I originally thought. I was running out of time and I needed to find a way out of this quickly. I didn’t know where the girls were, but if they had to be taken in the middle of the night, without their consent by the sound of their screams, it couldn’t be anywhere good.
As I made my way through the school, Mrs. Otis, the new teacher, had seen me in the hall and decided to pull me aside. She was concerned by my erratic behavior in school. When she asked me if I was doing drugs, I laughed hysterically and explained what was happening at the house.
She looked at me in shock, there's no other way to describe it. I assumed, of course, she didn’t believe me a word I had said. Except that, she actually did. She went to the principal, then called Child Protective Services to hold a meeting. She couldn't believe what was happening at the house and was outraged by it. The Principal and the people from Child Protective Services told her that, even if they understood she was new to all of this, she should not just focus in one student, she had many others who needed her attention too. They advised her to tend to the other children she taught.