Maybe some people would think it was odd that I was hanging out with my grandma all the time, but my “normal” friends worked during the day when I was off. And most of them just faded away out of my life since we could never get together. Maybe with a new job during the day, I could rekindle some of those lost relationships.
Or maybe not.
Regardless, I loved hanging out with Grandma Joyce.
She knew me well, too.
That’s why it wasn’t a surprise when she called me after she had heard the fiasco on the radio with my ex, inviting me over for pancakes this morning.
My ex.
It sounded weird to me.
I always tried to see the best in Zachary, but I guess that meant I had been ignoring the bad. Incredibly bad. How had I been so obtuse?
I certainly hadn’t seen that breakup coming. It was extremely annoying.
Speaking of annoying, there was a voice coming from the radio that was sitting on Grandma Joyce’s kitchen counter that was going to make me lose my appetite. “We’ll take one more call after this short commercial break. Don’t go away.”
I pointed to the radio. “Please don’t tell me you’re listening to—”
“Dr. Tough Love!” She was way too enthusiastic. “I love that man!”
I winced. “I loathe him. He’s arrogant and brash and doesn’t know a thing about relationships.”
Grandma Joyce smiled and turned over the bacon with the tongs. “Oh, don’t be so dramatic, dear. He’s a smart man! And you know what? The two of you have a lot in common.”
I gasped and placed my hand on my chest. “What? How could you even compare me to him? That’s like comparing a flower to a rock. Or something flat and dull under the rock. We are complete opposites. That man doesn’t have a heart and he’s ridiculously rude to his callers on the air.”
“You both give very good relationship advice, but it’s all in the delivery. You’re sweet and loving and he’s no-nonsense. Two different styles, but you’re both helping people. Well, you were until you got the ax.”
“If he’s no-nonsense, you’re saying that my way is nonsense?”
She laughed and pulled each strip of bacon from the pan, placing them on a serving platter that was covered with paper towels to soak up the grease. “Not at all, dear. I’m saying people need advice presented in different ways in order for them to really grasp it. There are those who like positive and encouraging advice like your style, and others who prefer advice that is direct and to the point. Like a slap to the face to wake them up, that’s his style. Neither approach is wrong, they’re just different. It’s not a surprise that you had mostly female listeners and he has mostly male. Two different styles appealing to two different types of people, but they both work.”
I shook my head. “I disagree. He’s rude.”
Grandma Joyce poured pancake batter onto the hot griddle to make the first round of pancakes. “If you say so, dear.”
“Okay, welcome back to the program,” Dr. Tough Love said. “We have time for one more call.”
Grandma Joyce wiped some batter off the counter. “Hopefully, this is another good one.”
I sighed and sat down at the table on the other side of the kitchen counter, tapping my fingers on the maple wood. “I seriously doubt it.”
She put her finger to her lips. “Shhh!”
“Reggie is calling from Torrey Pines. You’re on the air with Dr. Tough Love. What’s going on?”
“My girlfriend says I don’t do enough for her.”
“Well . . . is she right? I’m guessing she is if she had to tell you that.”
Grandma Joyce pointed to the radio. “See right there? He’s intuitive and knows how to dig deep and get the info before he dispenses the advice.”
I rolled my eyes. “The only thing he dispenses comes from the back end of a bull.”
She put her finger to her lips again. “Shhh!”
“I have no idea if I do enough for her,” the caller said. “I think I do.”
“Well, there’s one of your problems right there if you don’t know,” Dr. Tough Love pointed out.
“How do I even measure how much is enough? I do lots of things for her.”
“Yes, but do you do the right things? What one woman wants may be different from what another woman wants.”
The caller sighed. “I’m so confused.”
“Welcome to the club, my friend. A woman is like a complex puzzle. Just when you think you have her all figured out, you notice there’s a piece missing.”
Grandma Joyce gestured to the radio with her head. “That’s what I’m talking about. The man gets us.”
I shook my head. “He gets on my nerves.”
Dr. Tough Love chuckled. “If you’re open to taking care of her needs, whatever they may be, anything at all, then it’s an easy fix. Have you tried asking her what you could do to make her happy?”
“Yes! When I asked her she said I should know!”
Dr. Tough Love sighed. “Men aren’t mind-readers, you know.”
I jumped to my feet and pointed to the radio. “I knew that annoying voice sounded familiar! It’s him!”
Startled from my outburst, Grandma Joyce flipped one of the pancakes onto the counter. “What are you talking about?” She picked up the errant pancake with her fingers and slapped it back on the griddle.
I jabbed my finger in the direction of the radio. “Dr. Tough Love. I met him at Peet’s Coffee before I went into the radio station and got canned. He’s the guy who stole my parking spot. And let me tell you he’s just as annoying in person as he is on the radio.”
“I thought you said the man bought you a mocha. How is that annoying? Sounds very sweet to me.”
I hesitated. “Well . . . yeah . . . he did get me a mocha, but—”
“I can’t believe you met Dr. Tough Love. Oh, I am so jealous! Did you get his autograph?”
“No, Grandma Joyce, I did not get his autograph.”
“Your loss. Is he as gorgeous in person as he looks on those billboards?”
“No.”
“What do you mean, no?”
“It’s self-explanatory.”
“Your HTTR is out of order.”
I gave her a look, afraid to ask. “What’s an HTTR?”
“Your hot-to-trot radar.”
I laughed. “Where do you get these things from?”
“I watch late night TV. Anyhow, my point is that Dr. Tough Love is hot to trot! Do you think he would go for a woman twenty years older?”
I arched an eyebrow.
“Okay, maybe thirty years older. Thirty-five, but that’s my final offer.”
“You need to know how to read the room,” Dr. Tough Love continued. “Women always give visual clues to indicate their moods. For instance, I went to Peet’s Coffee last night and a woman was trying to steal my parking spot.”
“I was there first!” I yelled at the radio.
Please don’t talk about me when I can’t defend myself.
“She said we could compare whose day was more horrible and the winner gets the spot. Then she started coming up with all these lame excuses of why she was having a bad day and needed that parking spot.”