And the last thing I wanted to do was think about who had helped me see otherwise. That motherfucker didn’t belong in my thoughts anymore.
“Well, this guy bought it,” Chase continued. “Got weird when I mentioned I had a boyfriend, but was apologetic afterward, so I’m not sure how I feel about him. So yeah, you got a new neighbor.”
One I thought maybe I disliked already. He bought the land I wished I could own, and he made Chase feel uncomfortable. I didn’t like that. He and Kellan had been through enough already. Plus, my being bisexual might not be something these guys knew about me, but it wasn’t because I was ashamed of it. I just hadn’t been with a guy in a long-ass time. “Hmm. Maybe I’ll go introduce myself.”
“Eh, don’t do it on my account,” Chase replied, just as Kellan walked up and put his arms around him from behind. “Hey, baby boy.”
“Hey, you,” Kellan said before nuzzling and kissing his neck.
“Get a room,” Griff grumbled playfully.
We all laughed. Poor Griff. Even though he was cool with it, he was still getting used to his longtime best friend being all mushy and in love with his little brother.
“So like, are you saying Chase should take me home and do bad, bad things to me?” Kellan teased Griffin.
“I hate you,” Griff replied.
“How about we end this conversation?” Chase added.
“Speaking of dirty, sexy things,” Josh said, “I have a hookup in Stevensville, so catch you guys later.”
“Do you even know this guy?” Griffin asked him.
“Why do I have to know him to fuck him? It’s not like I wanna marry the man.”
Kellan cut in before Griffin could reply. “You don’t, but some people do. To each their own. Let’s play nice, boys. Live and let live.”
Josh kissed Kellan’s temple. “See ya later, babe.” Then he said bye to Chase and the rest of us and was gone.
“I think I’m going to head out too.” Knox stood and stretched. His T-shirt pulled up, showing his muscular stomach and the trail of hair leading below his jeans. My dick twitched a bit. Not because I wanted Knox. He was a friend, and straight as far as I knew, but because, again, it had been a while for me. It wasn’t that I hadn’t had any men since Remy, but they were few and far between.
Shaking thoughts of him from my head, I turned to Knox. “Is it past your bedtime, old man?” He was older than the rest of us, around forty-two, I thought. I got a kick out of teasing him about it.
“Suck my cock, Grant,” he said, grabbing his dick.
“Here?” I joked, and his eyes went a little wide. I could feel Griffin looking at me too.
“I knew it!” Kellan screeched.
“You and me both,” Chase replied.
“Wait. Why is it that Knox can joke about dick-sucking and it’s not taken seriously, but I do it, and everyone suddenly knows I’m into dudes too?”
“Because I have excellent gaydar—well, bidar, in your case,” Kellan replied, and I didn’t deny it.
“Well, shit.” Knox rubbed a hand over his dark beard. “I’m feeling a little left out. Just you and me, buddy,” he said to Griffin. Our two resident straight guys.
It felt good to get it out to them, though I wasn’t sure why. Somehow it felt like putting more of my past behind me, where it needed to be.
“See ya later, man.” Knox squeezed my shoulder in support, then said goodbye to everyone else. It seemed Natalie had left after the pool game, and Chase and Kellan took off next, leaving only me and Griff. Well, and a bar full of people.
“At least I don’t have to worry about you dating my brother, since he and Chase are head over ass in love with each other,” Griff teased.
And they were. It was obvious the two were crazy in love. I knew what that felt like, though my shit hadn’t lasted and I had no fucking plans to ever go there again. Still, I found myself asking, “What about you? Have you ever been in love?” Griff didn’t even date, or not often, in any case. I wasn’t sure what that was about.
“Who the hell would I have ever been in love with?” he asked, and I shrugged. “Nah, not sure it’s my thing. Got my bar and my family. That’s all that matters.”
“I hear ya, brother.”
When a song began playing and I heard the familiar husky rasp of Remy’s voice, I shook my head and tossed some money on the bar. “I’m out of here. I’ll see you later.”
On my way home, I texted Cynthia.
Want some company?
Sure. I can spare about an hour. Work early tomorrow, she replied.
Spare an hour. Don’t make it sound like a hardship, I teased. Then, Be there soon.
Cynthia and I hooked up every now and again. She’d recently moved to Havenwood to be closer to her cousin, Becca, who grew up here and used to have a thing with Chase. Neither of us was looking for anything serious, but we were able to scratch an itch. I made her come twice in that hour, then went home, showered, and fell into bed.
For the first time in a long time, I lost myself to memories of the past.
Before
“Let me record you,” I told Remy.
We were naked, in our hotel room, the one we always went to when we wanted to spend a whole night together. I wasn’t ready to take him back to my dorm, and he sure as shit wasn’t ready for anyone to know about us. He still lived at home with his mom and siblings, so we couldn’t go there. This hotel had become our place, where we could simply be. Some of my best times were there, with him. He’d gotten under my skin that first night and hadn’t left since. I didn’t want him to ever leave.
We’d been doing this for a year, longer than I’d ever been with anyone. We were a whole lot better at sucking each other off now than we used to be. I also knew what it was like to be inside him, and to have Remy inside me. There was nothing like it. I might not get to be with him as often as I wanted, but I didn’t want anyone else. I wasn’t sure I ever would.
I felt…important when I was with him, but in a different way than I ever had. Not because of my name or how I looked. I loved to make him laugh and hear him talk about music. It made me want more for myself, made me want to find my own dreams, because if being in love with something felt half as good as Remy made it sound, it was everything.
Things weren’t always easy, though. When he played and I had to pretend I didn’t know him. When he’d talk about his family, his siblings, who I felt took advantage of him, and we’d fight when I’d tell him. And he was sad sometimes, maybe all the time, but I felt like maybe it helped when he was with me. I knew music helped. It was the one place he lost himself…well, that and when I was touching him.
I’d never known anyone who felt on such a bone-deep level as Remy did. I was fascinated with that too.
“Record me what?” The way he said it, I could tell it wasn’t the first time he’d asked that.
“Playing…singing. We can upload it online and—”
“No.” He shook his head.
“Why not? You can’t keep playing in coffeehouses around here. You have to put yourself out there if you want to make it.”
It was hard for him. I got that. I was able to jump and experience things in a way Remy couldn’t, but then, that was probably because I’d never loved anything the way he loved music.