It’s actually not that hard, when you get into it. You just make small efforts all throughout the day to see the good, see the good, see the good. Reminding yourself to notice what’s okay, what’s wholesome, what’s sweet, who’s smiling, who’s holding hands, who’s taking care, and all the rest. Then, slowly, slowly, you start to see good everywhere. Kind of like buying a Toyota hatchback. Suddenly you just see Toyota hatchbacks on every little side street. Not because there’s more on the road, obviously. But just because your eyes become attuned to their presence. With Toyota hatchbacks, this doesn’t really matter all that much. But with negativity bias versus seeing the good it matters a whole lot. Why? Because the negativity bias makes us tight and small and scared. And seeing the good opens us up to all the good that’s already right here in front of us and starts to prime us to find ways to be generous. Let’s break this down into an easy-to-integrate daily practice.
A Little Meditation
SEE THE GOOD
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The cool thing about this exercise is that after practicing this while sitting on a cushion or chair, you can take it out into your life and do it anywhere you are, anytime you want. I do this one a lot in my own life, while I’m riding the bus or walking to work, and it never fails to lift my mood, at least a little bit.
Step One: In Your Chair
Let’s start this off sitting in a chair. As always, be comfortable. You want to strike a balance in your posture between alert and relaxed, but with a real lean toward relaxed. If you want, you can close your eyes between some of these sentences. Otherwise, just let your eyes go a little soft while you read. Now start to track your body. What are you feeling right now, in your chest and torso, your face and neck? See if you can release any tension that seems extra.
Now, from this semi-kind-of-relaxed state, think of something good. Could be anything. You love your cat. Perfect. You’re finally single and it’s awesome. Great. It’s summertime. Let your mind run amok in goodness. Notice the littlest, funniest, happy-making things. And do this for at least five minutes.
Great! You have now seen the good. Don’t worry if it was a struggle. Don’t worry if nothing happened. We’re just building habits here. We’re not enlightened yet.
Step Two: On the Move
Now that you’ve accomplished seeing the good in your chair, it’s time to take it on the road. If you want, you can write this down—write “See the Good” on a sticky note and leave it on your desk or bathroom mirror. And then when you remember, orient your mind toward what’s going well in that moment.
Then try to do this at least three times in the next twenty-four hours. You can start right now. You’re reading this book, and that’s good! Or maybe you are sitting somewhere comfortable or drinking yummy tea. There is good in this moment.
It’s helpful to do this at the beginning of the day, and also at the end. When you wake up, take stock of something positive. And before you fall asleep, notice one thing that is going well for you.
Throughout the day, you can pause when you remember, and see the good. Maybe you just finished a delicious breakfast. Or you’re gonna be on time to your first meeting. Or your girlfriend just got a promotion.
You can orient toward the good as often as you’d like. And remember: there’s no need to push or control things here. You might not feel that much as you notice someone’s smile, receive a timely email, or write out a thank-you card. Remember that we’re training an attitude, not so much a feeling.
Step Three: Don’t Fool Yourself
One important caveat: “seeing the good” doesn’t negate the difficult. We’re not asking you to become some kind of Miss Pollyanna Sunshine who can’t stand to have a tough conversation. We’re simply balancing the negative with the positive in our lives, so that we don’t get weighed down by what’s challenging. Just take stock of what’s good in you and what’s good in those around you. And then see what happens. You might just find yourself more resourced, a tiny bit more whole, maybe even more ready to give a little.
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GIVING FEELS GOOD
Okay, so far in this chapter we’ve talked about not taking people’s stuff and seeing the good. Now we get to the best part: giving. Like I mentioned in the opening of this chapter, Buddhism tends to look at giving as the very foundation of a decent life. Not only does generosity ease up some of our calcified habits around wanting, which is a major reason we’re a hot mess, it’s also just plain fun. It brightens the mind and lightens the heart. It connects you with others. It boosts your self-worth. It’s all-around just about my favorite thing.
But let’s be honest: giving can actually be kind of hard. Sometimes I read stuff like this and I think, “Great, I’ll just go ahead and give more.” Then I end up running into all my stinginess, the tight little pockets of contraction, the I can’ts and maybe-not-right-nows—and then I feel bad about myself. Which is so obviously not the point.
So just to be clear: I’m not saying generosity is easy. And I’m not saying if you’re a little stingy, like I sometimes am, that you should become Mother Teresa overnight. But what I am saying is that we can train the mind to give. How? Three simple steps.
Convince yourself.
Try a generosity meditation.
Start giving.
So the first step, convince yourself. Before you kick off any new, oh-so-healthy habit, whether it’s exercise or veganism or random acts of kindness, you’ll need to first put all (or at least most) of your doubts to rest. And one great way to TKO your doubts is by hitting them hard with science. Here are just a few findings to start us off:
Generous people are healthier.1
Generous people live longer.2
Generous people are generally happier.3
Your blood pressure actually drops when you give a gift.4
Giving reduces stress.5
Just a single act of generosity boosts your mood.6
Simply thinking about giving can really improve your day.
Pretty convincing, right? Who doesn’t want to live longer and healthier and happier with lower blood pressure and better moods? Let’s drill down into one study7 done at the University of British Columbia, which features a bunch of undergrads who were, unsurprisingly, split into two groups.