For me, that’s all it takes. I spend at least an hour or two smiling.
But don’t take my experience as proof. Try it out for yourself. Notice what happens when you practice generosity in real time. I admit, it might be a little awkward at first. A lot of habits feel awkward at first. That’s why we need to practice them until they become second nature.
AND ANOTHER THING…
Set Clear Boundaries
Before we go any further, this is probably a good moment to tap the brakes and say a few things that need to be said. So far I’ve been framing generosity as a simple, unadulterated good—just go ahead and do this and your life will get better. And that’s true, of course.
But there’s a problem. And that problem is that some people in our culture get some messages and other people get other messages. Like, if you’re a white man raised in the middle class who went to good public schools and then a grand old ivy-covered college, you’ve been told, more or less, “The world is yours, build your dreams, oysters, etc.”
But. If you are anything but a white man raised in the middle class, then you’ve likely gotten a whole different set of messages. Even if you’re a white woman raised in the middle class who went to good public schools and all the rest, the messages you’ve likely received sound a lot more like, “Take care of everyone else before yourself, please others, especially white men, and look amazing doing it.”
Or if you’re a black man or woman or an Asian American trans kid, the messages are even more destructive still.
So without going into all the details of all the sociological and psychological and economic subtle-and-not-so-subtle pressures that each of us lives with and lives through, this is just a note to say, “Don’t do stuff that’s bad for you.”
Let me repeat that: Don’t do stuff that’s bad for you.
For example, apropos of the last chapter (“Don’t Be a Jerk”). Let’s say you’re really helpful to someone. Say you’re nonbinary and he’s a man, just for fun. And then let’s say that, after you’re helpful to this person once, twice, three times, he turns around and treats you like dirt, walks all over you, talks behind your back, alienates your friends, clears out your bank account, keys your car, and stamps out your spirit.
Are we telling you to continue to be helpful to this person?
Of course not.
Likewise with this chapter (“Give a Little”). And likewise with every chapter. We are not asking you to give and give and give and give and give some more until you are a paper-thin wisp of your former self, exhausted, aggravated, and helpless, blown by the endless storms of the world, unarmored in the midst of the inevitable catastrophes of everyday life.
That’s not what we’re saying at all. If you’re actually going to be helpful to all the rest of us, we need you to set good boundaries, get enough sleep, find time to exercise, spend evenings with friends, just freakin’ relax, and all the rest of it. You can’t be on all the time, even when things are going well. And if things are going badly, or someone is taking advantage of you, then you’ll need to armor up and set things straight. No two ways about it.
But how?
Well, take the above example of the dude you’ve been nice to who talks behind your back and walks all over you. We’ve already established that what you don’t do is let him continue to treat you like dirt, alienate your friends, etc.
But what do you do?
One option—a favorite of so many of us—is to turn around and treat him like dirt, walk all over him, talk behind his back, key his car, and on and on. Or just assassinate him on social media. But what we’re recommending in this book is a more balanced approach. A return to civility. You’ll be firm, yes. You’ll make damn sure he stops his B.S. this minute. But you won’t destroy him. And you won’t need to, because once you get good at this kind of boundary setting, you’ll do it early and often, and dudes like that will know better than to mess with you.
So the basic message here is: please don’t take people’s stuff. It’s bad for them, and bad for you. Also, instead of drowning in bad news, try seeing the good. When you see the good—in yourself, in others—you begin to fill up with a sense of joyful purpose. Once you’re really filled up like that, it’s easier to give a little, and once you get into giving, it becomes a kind of upward spiral of mutually reinforcing beneficence. Not to mention lower blood pressure and all that. But don’t be a pushover, either. Set boundaries when you need to.
By now you may have noticed that we think there are some core semi-Buddhist principles that will guide you well as you begin this process of living through your values. These start with not killing people (or assassinating them on Twitter). From there, you could instigate the delightful but slow process of building kindness, heartfulness, and (in this chapter) generosity—not in a sappy way, but in a feet-planted-firmly-on-this-earth sort of way. Where you really show up for your life, moment after moment, consciously, clearly (see chapter 6), and without excuses. Where you commit to helping yourself and helping others. You know, like Batman. But without the cape and without kicking people’s teeth in all the time.
So what’s next? you might ask. What’s next is a deeper dive into the world of speech, because how we speak stands at the very heart of this survival guide.
SAY WHAT’S TRUE
Craig
Imagine a world in which people told the truth. Always. As a matter of course. In this world, every politician who gave a speech would meticulously attune themselves to the facts, and be careful to say only the clearest, cleanest essence of their actual understanding. Every time you went to a mechanic, in this imagined world, you’d never worry about whether they were overcharging you, about whether you really actually needed that new air filter. In your relationship, your partner would be real with you, telling you what was on their mind and in their heart, so you’d know exactly where you were standing in that loving encounter, every day of the year.
How does that sound? Well, for some people it might sound a little terrifying. Some of us are not quite ready to hear the truth, especially from our loved ones. But for most of us, I think, there is a deep longing for this kind of world. It seems that every time we turn on the TV we’re confronted with mendacity, half-truths, outright lies, and sly little innuendos. Politicians are lying to us. Corporations are lying to us. Advertising is just one big bold-faced never-ending lie. And, for some of us, even our loved ones can’t seem to get it together to tell us what’s really going on.
Into this whirlwind of prevarication and shallow weaselliness, I offer you the Buddha’s fourth recommendation for surviving modern life while the whole world spins off its collective axis: don’t lie.