Why is he here? “You’re looking at it.”
“What?”
“Are you deaf? I said you’re looking at it! This is everything I have left.”
His harsh eyes soften slightly, his face seeming to slacken. “Oh.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “Oh.” Then I sigh, sick of his presence. He’s too tall and it has to be hurting his back bending over like that. “Why are you here, Nathan?”
He looks at the house, to the back of my car and then to me. “I don’t know.”
“Right. Well then maybe you should leave.”
“Yeah,” he agrees and stands. I watch him via the wing mirror returning to his large and flashy black car that’s parked behind my crappy metal box on wheels. I didn’t see it pull up but I’m seeing it now. It’s huge. He climbs in and two seconds later he pulls away, leaving me once again to my own thoughts.
Was he wearing a suit? He was wearing a suit.
Who wears a suit during a casual visit?
Caleb would rip the shit out of him for it, I have no doubt about that. But Caleb isn’t here and he isn’t coming back.
I turn on the ignition, giving one last lingering look at the house that was mine. Then, with tear filled eyes, I head to work.
My boss lets me park directly outside of the doors, due to my car being full of my things, and he winces when he sees me. “Go into the back, wash your face, have a few minutes and come back out.”
I don’t argue with him. I need it as much as he thinks I do. Probably even more.
My stomach aches as I work, and my ankles are swollen but I’m determined to keep going. I keep getting large tips because people see my stomach and how young I am and take pity on me. Right now I’ll take that pity. Their pity is what’s keeping me fed.
The ones who know about my circumstances don’t make eye contact with me. I’m unsure why this is. Maybe it’s a guilt thing because they have a house and a support unit. Knowing I don’t have either probably makes them feel bad to be in my presence. These people give me tips too.
“Hey,” Sasha says as she comes in with a few of her friends. “How are you doing?”
I shrug. “I’m fine.”
“Are you okay… to be working?” Honestly no, I’m in agony and everything hurts but it helps me get through the day. I don’t say this though.
“I’m fine, I promise,” I respond and lower my eyes from her concerned stare. “What can I get you?”
She orders their drinks and I scribble it down on my notepad, my mind on where I’m going to go tonight. Then my boss swaps places with me, taking orders and serving. I just make the drinks. I’m relieved for this change; my back ache is becoming too much.
“Do you want to call it a day?” Sasha asks me as I potter about behind the counter, filling drink orders and toasting croissants. “I can take over your shift.”
I shake my head. “No. I…” have nowhere to go and I don’t want to sit in the car for another minute. “Thank you, though. You’re a good friend, Sasha.”
She touches my hand gently. “I wish I could do more.”
We share a sad smile before she leaves and it’s only then I notice she’s left two twenties and a ten on the counter. Is this what I’ve become? A charity case?
I know she wouldn’t think of me like that, but it still hurts to take hand-outs. I’ve sunk so low.
“Why’d you leave me, Caleb?” I whisper and turn away from the customers to reassemble myself.
I imagine him up there, outraged that he’s been taken. I imagine him banging his fists on the pearly gates, watching me with tears of his own. He hates it when I cry; it breaks his heart.
So I need to stop.
For him I need to find my strength and get my shit together.
“You shouldn’t be working in your condition.” I wince at the sound of his voice and turn to face him, two cups of coffee in my hands. “You look exhausted.”
I stare at Nathan and then I look away. “Why are you here?” Please leave, you look too much like him.
I place the drinks on a tray and slide them towards my boss.
“I followed you,” he states without hesitation. “I didn’t realise your pregnancy was so far along.” His familiar brown eyes flick to my protruding stomach.
“I didn’t realise you cared,” I say and it’s supposed to sound snappy but my voice sounds dead and flat. Exactly how I feel inside.
Nathan leans on the counter, chewing his lip like his brother did. It makes my eyes burn. “Where are you staying?”
“Why are you here?” My life isn’t his business. He didn’t care about his brother so why should he care about me? Not to mention the fact he assaulted Caleb the last time we saw him. “You live hours away. What do you want?”
“I asked you a question.” A muscle in his jaw jumps, his eyes narrowing with irritation.
“And I asked you three.”
“If you don’t want my help then fine. It’s on you, not me.”
My mouth drops open. “I never asked for your help and no, you’re right. I don’t want it!”
He shakes his head and stalks away. I don’t realise all eyes are on me until the moment he leaves and I stop thinking about how much he looks like Caleb from behind.
“He’s such an arsehole,” I say to my boss, who frowns at the door where Nathan just exited. “I’ve met the guy once before and he just swans into town… what a bastard.”
“Who is he?” My boss asks with raised brows.
“Caleb’s older brother by two years.”
“Maybe you should’ve accepted his offer.”
I laugh once and stare at my boss incredulously. “He didn’t offer to help. He just asked me where I was staying. And this was after he’d already walked away once.”
“It sounded like he was offering to help then.” He gives a small shrug. “But I only heard half of the conversation.”
I relent. “He did, in a strange way, but… he’s infuriating and mean.”
“He’s also the only option you have right now. Hear him out. See what he has to say. Not many people would care about their family members’ woes and you’re technically not family.”
I want to slap him. I know I’m hormonal but he doesn’t have a clue what I’m going through right now. He doesn’t understand the complexity that is Caleb’s childhood. He doesn’t get it, so maybe he should just let me work, sign my cheques and stay the hell out of it.
Work goes slowly and I’m glad for this as my night is still uncertain. When I’m done here, I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing. I’ll go to Sasha’s for the night. I know she won’t mind. I just don’t like putting on people, but either way I need to stay somewhere.
I text her to let her know and, as suspected, she agrees.
What have you done to me, Caleb? Why am I doing this alone?
I’m thinking about it again. I need to stop thinking about him.
Every time that I do my body trembles, my hands especially shaking.
It’s tough but I’ll get through this. I have to for our baby’s sake.