“Have you always had bad luck?” Adam asked, catching up with Emil even though he knew that sooner or later, they’d need to stop by a bush and put on pants.
“Huh? Yes, Adam. I’ve broken many bones, hurt people by accident, and set my parents on fucking fire! Can you drop it?”
Adam swallowed, taken aback by the ferocity of Emil’s anger. “I’m sorry.”
The silence continued after they stopped, and Adam struggled to think of a way to help Emil. He sensed Emil’s gaze lingering on his body as they changed, and it felt like hungry licks. This needed to end, because next time, somebody might get ideas about the nature of their relationship.
“Look, maybe people would treat you differently if you didn’t stand out so much,” he tried.
Emil frowned. “Can you stop complaining? Nothing bad happened.”
“I’m complaining? I’m just trying to think what to do so you don’t have to deal with shit like that. And the fact that people noticed we’re spending so much time together isn’t gonna help,” Adam whispered, aware of every little sound around them, because what if they were accidentally overheard by a villager taking a nap in the grass? He couldn’t put his clothes on fast enough.
Emil took a deep breath. “We’re not doing anything illicit. Not openly at least. It’s okay.” He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around Adam’s neck. The gesture usually made Adam’s knees weak. This time, he felt trapped.
He ducked and pulled out of the embrace, suddenly breathless when he remembered Jessika’s curious gaze on him. “But we are doing something illicit. I don’t want to stop, and that’s the problem. I’m in an endless well of sin, because I can’t even honestly say I’m going to stop this when I go to confession. I am a shepherd who’s more lost than his flock!”
Emil’s gaze darkened, and Adam wasn’t sure if it was a trick of light, or if the devil was toying with him again. “What’s the point of pulling back now? We’re not even doing god-knows-what!”
The words felt like a punch. He’d let go of so many boundaries only to hear he wasn’t giving Emil what he wanted. “It is a lot to me.”
Emil shook some more water out of his hair, so glorious he was painful to look at. “We’re being discreet.”
Were they, though? They’d just been skinny dipping together. He clutched at his hair while his chest worked fast, struggling to suck enough oxygen into his lungs. “You don’t know what’s gonna happen! When we went swimming, you also said no one would see us. Sometimes, the worst thing just happens.”
Emil groaned and grabbed his hand. “Bad things happen to me. You’re safe.”
Adam pulled away and quickly put on a T-shirt. “I don’t want bad things to happen to you, to either of us, but don’t you see we’re playing with fire? Remember what the demon did to me? I still can’t sleep on my own when the lights are off,” he revealed despite shame cramping his stomach. “And I’ve been sent here in the first place because someone found porn in my room!”
Emil’s eyebrows rose. “Oh. Naughty.”
Adam shoved him away despite hating himself for it immediately. “This isn’t a joke! I’m talking about our lives here.”
Emil raised his hands. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry, that does sound shit. I… Maybe one day you could sleep with me, and you wouldn’t be afraid anymore.”
Emil couldn’t have been any more bewildering. “What are you talking about? And I’m not afraid,” he insisted, even though it instantly hit him that he was. The sense of danger staying somewhere beyond sight yet ready to strike when he was at his weakest was with him all the time. Everywhere.
“You said you can’t fall asleep without lights, so I offered my bed. What are you talking about?”
Adam’s head burst into flames. He’d been thinking of sex. Of living together. Of falling asleep in the same bed every night and maybe not even feeling guilty. Because it was a fantasy world where he didn’t have to fear the judgment of God and people.
“I’m saying… that this place isn’t good for people like you, and I worry,” Adam said, desperate to change the topic.
“Like me?”
“Yes. You’re on your own now that Radek’s left, and I’ll be leaving too. Soon,” he said, meeting Emil’s gaze while a nasty voice whispered to him that Emil wouldn't have bothered with someone as problematic as him if he had other options. Because while to him Emil was the only man he’d ever touched this way, Emil saw him as a friend with benefits. A way to have the kind of sex he wanted without complications and having to spend ninety minutes on a bus to get to the nearest town with a population of more than a few hundred people.
“Not soon. In November.”
Adam didn’t know what to make of the defiant expression on Emil’s face. Emil had to understand that he had no future if he stayed in Dybukowo.
“That’s two months. You can’t stay here forever. Not on your own,” Adam insisted, and despite his better judgment, took hold of Emil’s hand.
Emil wouldn’t look at him, but squeezed it. “Can you not ask your higher-ups to let you stay?”
Adam’s breath caught, and he stared back at Emil, both mortified and weirdly lightheaded. “Why? There’s nothing for us here.”
“There would be something for me here if you stayed.”
Was this beautiful, dangerously enticing man suggesting what Adam thought he was suggesting?
Sweat was already beading on Adam’s back from the illicit conversation. He could barely breathe, as if his thoughts of Emil took up too much space in his head to allow for the efficient execution of such a mundane life function.
“Or, maybe, you’d like to move when I move?”
Emil chewed on his lips. “You know I can’t afford to,” he whispered, and the dullness of his gaze was a reflection of the hole deep inside Adam’s chest.
He and Emil were never meant to be, but if Emil was to ever find happiness, he had to leave Dybukowo. He needed to burn all bridges and find a man who could give him what he deserved. If Adam helped Emil, maybe he could spend the rest of his life in peace and no longer sin.
“The pastor always speaks so highly of your infused spirits. I’ve tried them, and I also think they’re great. What if we found a way to sell them?”
Emil took his time, but when he looked up into Adam’s eyes, there was new determination glinting in their green depths. “And you want me to move with you?”
His hand was warm in Adam’s, as if their limbs were slowly but surely growing together. Adam’s heart beat all too fast, so fast he might faint at any moment, but if that happened, Emil would catch him.
“Yes.”
Chapter 16 - Adam
The town hall in Sanok resembled a cake covered with pink icing, with ornamental turrets of pure sugar. During his two previous visits here, Adam had only made it to the supermarkets on the outskirts of town, so when he stood in the middle of the huge central square surrounded by two-storey buildings reminiscent of life-sized models in a massive diorama, he was struck by how charming the old town was. Everything looked brand new, so unlike the reality of gray facades farther from this most representative part of town.