‘And then my dad texted me cos he’d heard.’
‘What?’ Noah looks confused again. ‘He’d heard about your mate’s obsession with little furry dogs?’
‘No.’ I frown. ‘He’d heard about Robbie!’
‘Oh. And why would that make you …?’
‘He laughed at me!’ Normally I would not pass on any of Dad’s less than nice comments, but I’m drunk, and I’m never going to see Noah again. So, it’s fine. It’s like writing it down on a piece of paper and burning it. ‘Said it was bound to happen at some point he guessed, me being single.’
‘What?’ Noah looks indignant on my behalf, which makes me feel a bit warm and fuzzy inside (or that could be the alcohol, at this point I’m not sure).
‘He said I’m too loud, too outspoken. Men don’t like it. Even drips, his word not mine, like Robbie get fed up of it in the end.’ I need to shut up before I get carried away.
‘Bollocks! I like the way you say what you think! You’re funny, you’re clever. Sorry, know he’s your dad and all that, but he sounds like a bit of a dick.’
I frown. ‘He is my dad, and all that. He’s not a dick. You don’t know him!’
‘Sorry.’ He doesn’t look sorry. ‘I didn’t mean to upset you, but …’
‘Did you say I was funny and clever?’ I frown at him again.
He nods, grins, and I suddenly feel awkward. So I crash on. ‘Anyway,’ I take a deep breath, time to move on to the important stuff, ‘he pissed me off, so while I was eating my sandwich I signed up for Tinder. If it’s that good for dogs, why wouldn’t the human apps be as good?’
‘Does Bea use it to find men as well?’
‘Borrow my doggy?’
‘Tinder!’ He laughs. A deep throaty, makes you feel like you’ve swallowed a whisky, laugh.
‘Oh God, no!’ The idea is hilarious. ‘Bea doesn’t need an app to find a date, she’s ultra-cool, and totally confident. Men just, well, men just,’ I haven’t analysed this before, but thinking about it now, Bea has never needed to think about finding a date because, ‘they just appear out of thin bloody air. They’re everywhere she goes! Or she just sees a guy she fancies and goes up and grabs him! Literally! I mean what if he’s psycho, or doesn’t fancy her, or is married? I don’t know how she does it.’ Actually, some of them have been a bit psycho, well bordering on it, and married. But Bea has just brushed it off and moved on.
‘So Bea hasn’t used an app, but she thought you should? Or it was your idea?’
‘Well yes, well no, we were just messing, I didn’t actually say …’ I didn’t tell her I’d actually done it. I signed up in secret, cos I felt a bit daft, and very embarrassed. ‘I told her I had a date. I didn’t tell her where I’d found him. But lots of people do it! And I mean it is just like BorrowMyDoggy, isn’t it?’
‘Please don’t tell me you used that line on Gabe!’
I decide to ignore that comment. ‘It is totally similar, and it worked for her! It’s brilliant, have you been listening?’ He nods. After a few drinks it seems even more brilliant than it did the first time. ‘I mean, POOF,’ I snap my fingers, ‘Tinder is magic, it’s like ordering a pizza off Just Eat. You just pick what looks good and …’
‘Yeah, you can get laid quicker than you can get a kebab, but do you want a kebab you’ve not actually seen? Or do you want to go in to town, then decide to pop into Krispy Kreme and look them all over and pick the best?’
‘Kebabs? In Krispy Kreme?’ I’m confused.
‘Doughnuts! Whichever food you want!’ He laughs.
‘Or you could go into one of those specialist jerky places, and try them all first!’
He raises an eyebrow. I might have lost him. But I’m very tipsy, and I do love jerky. Oh no, I can’t believe I’m sitting in a bar with a strange man talking about fast food delivery options. And jerky. ‘It’s dried beef! It’s really nice, and not too fattening, not like crisps or chocolate, or …’
‘Rosie.’ He puts his hands over mine. Leans in. We’re both a bit tipsy, which is why we get that perfect eye contact. Just pause for a moment, and stare. He has nice eyes. I could stare into his eyes for a while; in fact, it’s hard not to. They’ve got little wrinkles at the corners, and they’re a funny grey-blue colour. It’s hard to tell exactly. I lean in a bit closer.
‘Rosie!’ He jiggles my hands and I blink.
‘Sorry.’
‘It’s not the way to do it, Rosie. You deserve better than some creep who’s looking for an easy shag—’
‘They’re not all like that! Lots of people find other people online!’
‘I know, I’m not saying it’s not an idea, but—’
‘Maybe I need to speed date. I mean all the guys are there then, aren’t they? No chance of no-shows, and how bad can it be talking to somebody for ten seconds or whatever you’re allowed before the buzzer? I’m sure I can think of stuff to say for that long! Wow, that’s a brilliant idea, why didn’t I think of it before?’
‘Stop!’ Noah holds a hand up in front of my face, but he’s laughing so much any minute now he could fall off his stool. It makes me giggle back. He makes an effort to pull himself together. ‘Okay, let me get this straight. You just want a first date? You want a doggy for a day that you can send home later?’
I frown at him. ‘Yes, that’s what I said! But a man, not a dog.’ Just to be clear.
‘Not a husband?’
‘Oh my God, no, no. Not yet! I just don’t know how to date. I’ve never had to do it. I need dating practice.’
‘Cool.’
‘Cool?’ I finish off my drink and wonder if another one would be a good idea, or a very bad idea.
‘I have the answer!’ He nods decisively and pulls a funny, excited face.
‘You do?’ I am dubious.
‘I,’ he taps his chest to make sure I understand, ‘am your man.’
‘What? Oh no, no, no, no. You are so not my man!’
‘I am, I am.’ He grabs both my hands again. His are lovely and warm. But that doesn’t matter, he definitely isn’t my man!
‘Listen! I’m brilliant at first dates!’ He lets go of my hands but doesn’t lose eye contact. ‘I’m a serial first dater!’
‘I knew it!’ That slips out unintentionally, but I don’t think he noticed.
‘A total whizz at asking people out! Not so hot on third or fourth dates, or second dates if I’m honest.’ He shrugs self-consciously and looks all boyish and cheeky. I can feel myself getting all hot and bothered.
‘But I don’t want to date you!’
‘Listen, listen, I’m not saying date me, I’m saying I have expertise.’ He taps the side of his nose.
‘But you’re brilliant at dating women, not men!’
‘Thank you.’ He grins and mock bows.
‘That wasn’t supposed to be a compliment! I’m only taking your word for that, I’m not actually saying …’