I fucking love him. I can’t deny it anymore. Whether it’s right or wrong, I don’t know.
But I do love him. I just need to gather up the courage to tell him. I pick up my phone and click it on and then off. Not now. Right now I need to get some meds to get rid of this fucking bug.
I fill out five fucking pages of the same thing and wait an ungodly amount of time before I’m called back. At least the doctor is there in the hall waiting for me.
“Miss Ivanov. Nice to meet you.” He ushers me through the door to an exam room and then says, “Have a seat.”
I hop up onto the exam table with crinkly paper on top. It still feels unsanitary to me, though.
“So what brings you in today, Ava?” The doctor is an old man. He has to be in his 60s, if not older. The lines around his eyes make him seem approachable and kind. He has the palest blue eyes; they remind me of my father. My heart swells with cheerful memories and then the happiness dims.
I push the thoughts away and return to the present. “I think I have a bug. I’ve been having a difficult time holding food down for a month or so now.”
“I see. Any other symptoms with your nausea? Sore throat? Indigestion?”
I shake my head no. He takes a quick look down at my tummy and asks, “Is there a chance that you could be pregnant?”
His question steals the life from me. Everything stills and my breath halts in my chest. Those fuckers gave me so many shots, the assholes who drugged me, tattooed me and chipped me, but I know they said one was birth control. I know they did. They weren’t talking to me, but it would make sense.
“Would you like to take a test?” he asks, snapping me out of the painful memory.
“Please,” I answer without thinking. He reaches over to a cupboard above a small sink and grabs a small plastic cup. He’s a short man so he has to stretch to reach. I hesitantly take it and exit the room absentmindedly.
Why the fuck didn’t this cross my mind before? Mid-walk I’m struck with horror.
“Pills!” I yell in the hallway, like a fucking lunatic. The doctor exits the exam room and stares at me with his eyebrows raised. I dig in my purse and pull out the prescription bottle. I shove them into his hands like they’re poison.
He stares at the bottle for the longest fucking time. He rotates it and takes his time reading every last fucking word.
My heart won’t beat until I hear him tell me something. I need to know if I hurt my baby. If my own fucking problems hurt my child before he was even born.
Finally, the doctor gives me a smile and hands the bottle back as he reassures me. “You’ll be fine. And so will the baby, if you’re pregnant.” He walks a few steps and gestures to an open door.
“Thank you,” I say just above a murmur. My hand rests subconsciously on my belly.
I close the door and take a single breath before my skirt’s around my ankles.
The stream hits my hand and I cuss before getting as much urine as I can into the tiny cup. My nerves are getting the best of me, but I know it’s true. It all makes sense.
I wipe down and wash my hands before wiping the outside of the cup and staring at it. It’s a tiny cup of pee and it could tell me that my world is about to change forever.
It only takes a minute once I’m back into the room for the colors to start showing.
Two lines.
“Congratulations! We’ve found the source of your nausea. It usually eases up around the second trimester.” The old man gives me a smile.
“How far along am I?” I ask. That matters. That really fucking matters.
“Well, that’s hard to say. You’ll have to make an appointment with your gynecologist for an ultrasound for more specificity.”
I nearly cringe. Technically I have one now. But I haven’t gone to see them for anything other than to pee in a cup and take blood. I had to make sure I was healthy after everything I'd been through, after all. But they never said a damn thing about being pregnant.
Maybe it didn’t show up at the time. Maybe I was too newly pregnant and that’s why.
I fucking hope that’s why.
Anxiety creeps up on me. I’m pregnant. My hands hover over my growing baby. I’m going to be a mother. Warmth and happiness flow through me. I lean back against the wall.
Everything is going to be okay. I’m going to do everything I can to give this baby the best possible life.
I don’t know how Kane will react. Tears prick at my eyes. He may not want me, and he may not want this baby. There’s a small chance this baby isn’t even his.
I don’t care.
I brush my tears away and square my shoulders. I’m not going to put this off. I’m going to make that appointment as soon as I get home.
I won’t be that woman. I won’t be weak. I won’t be scared. And I’m sure as fuck not going to let Kane’s reaction do anything to stop me from being the best mother I can be.
I won’t let the past ruin my future. I won’t do it.
I’m not broken. I’m a survivor. I splay my hand on my lower belly. I’ll be strong for this baby. I’m going to give him everything I can.
Kane
She’s taking a really long fucking time to get out of her appointment. I know her schedule, and she should’ve been done almost an hour ago. I don’t want to startle her by showing up unexpectedly, but calling her on the phone just didn’t seem right.
I walk through the tall glass doors to the office building just in time to see her walking out of the clinic. What the fuck is she doing in there? She’s got a little baggie in her hand that she’s stuffing into her purse.
She looks up from her purse and stops as she sees me.
My heart skips a beat. She’s so fucking beautiful. But the sight of me has her looking like a ghost. I can see the anxiety in her eyes.
Fuck. This isn’t good. My heart clenches, but I walk forward.
She’s going to deny me.
I know it.
“I just wanted to see you.” I don’t know why they’re the first words out of my mouth. Not hi, how are you? None of that. I’m granted a small amount of happiness as her eyes soften and a gentle smile plays at her lips.
There’s a chance. I hold onto it with a fucking death grip. If there’s a chance, I’m taking it.
“Are you feeling okay?” I look up past her and she turns to look at the clinic doors, too.
“Yeah,” she answers after a moment. And then she says, “No. But I will be.”
“Is there anything I can do?” I ask.
Her bottom lip trembles and her eyes water. Fuck. Fuck! This isn’t good. I take a step forward to comfort her, but I stop in my tracks. I can’t take these kinds of liberties. I need to make sure this is what she wants.
“Can I hold you?” I ask.
She nods her head and practically runs into my arms. My heart swells with pride that I can give her this, and I run my hand up and down her back.
“It’s gonna be alright, baby. Whatever it is, it’s gonna be alright.” I try soothing her. I hear the door open behind us and I turn to see an older man walking up the steps. I break away from her for a moment. I need to get her ass somewhere private so I can calm her down. So we can talk.
I press my lips into a hard line and see a door on the left. It’s unmarked, so I turn the knob and it opens. It’s an empty office with paper lining the windows. There’s not one fucking thing in this room and there’s hardly any light coming through, but it’s quiet and she can cry in peace with privacy.