“This is my fault, but I’ll fix this, Ava. I can make it better. Whatever it is.” I grip onto her hips under my jacket that’s draped over her shoulders. I pull her toward me and whisper, “I can fix this.” I can, and I will. Whatever happened, whatever triggered this...I’ll make it better.
Her eyes turn sad and I see the answer on her face, before she starts shaking her head.
“I’m too broken. No one can fix me.”
“Just tell me what’s wrong. What happened?”
“Nothing. I’m just not normal anymore; I’ll never be normal again.” I don’t understand. Where is my Ava? This isn’t her.
“Fuck, normal? Who fucking cares about normal?” I try to blow it off, like there’s nothing to this. But she’s not okay. I can help her though.
“I’m not okay, Kane. I’m happy I killed them!” she yells out, and I find myself covering her mouth and holding her close to me. You never fucking know who’s listening to this shit. This is a public place, and the fucking cops know it’s a family wedding.
“Shh. Don’t say that shit, Ava,” I whisper in her ear, and she starts fighting my hold on her. I fucking hate it. I hate her fighting me. She never has before. Not once. She struggles in my arms, and it fucking destroys me.
I let her go to try to calm her down. I’m not helping this situation. And I fucking need to figure it out fast.
“I’m not the woman you think I am, Kane,” she finally says in a calmer voice than I expected. It’s a voice with resolve. I shake my head as as an uneasy feeling settles in my gut.
She tried to kill herself to get away from me.
“I thought you wanted to be with me,” I say. I know she did. I gave her a chance to go. She said this was real for her, too.
“You’ll never love me.” She whispers her words.
I shake my head and hold onto her hips, forcing her closer to me. “I love you, Ava.” I search her eyes for a reaction, but there’s nothing. “Is that what you need to hear, baby? I love you so fucking much. I’m so damn proud to have you as my girl. I’ll make you my wife.” Tears prick at my eyes. I almost bought a ring to go with those earrings. The only thing holding me back was I wasn’t sure what design she would have liked. I’m so fucking ready to have it all with her.
But I can see it in her face that she’s leaving me.
Her mind is already made up.
“I can’t be with you. If you love me, you’ll let me go.” My heart sinks in my chest as I watch tears stream down her face. “I can’t be with anyone right now.” She heaves in a breath and wipes her eyes, smearing her mascara. Her tear-stained cheeks and wide, glassy eyes only make her more beautiful. Everything in me pushes me to comfort her. I know she needs me. If only she’d let me help her.
I take a step forward to pull her into my arms and calm her down. She’s just worked up over something. This is all a mistake.
But she steps back.
She pulls out of my arms.
I stare at her with disbelief as she wipes away her tears and bends down to pick up her clutch.
“I’m sorry, Kane,” she whispers, and then sobs into her hands.
She’s leaving me.
She doesn’t love me. It doesn’t stop me from pulling her into my arms and rocking her. I try my best to soothe her. This time she lets me, but I know as soon as I let go, she’s not going to be mine anymore.
Kane
It’s fucking silent in the car. Vince is next to me and he doesn’t like what I’m asking him to do. He’s either going to help me, or I’m doing it on my own.
“What do you mean, ‘for her’?” he asks with what seems like disbelief. I haven’t told anyone. Last night I made her stay with me. No fucking way was I going to let her go in the state she was in. I took off with her and didn’t leave her alone till just now. No one else knows and I want to keep it that way, but I know it’s going to get out.
“I mean, I need you to set her up with a place and a job.”
“You have a place.” He looks at me dumbfounded.
“I mean for her. Without me.” It fucking kills me to say the words. My heart hardens and my eyes narrow. I speak clearly and look him dead in the eyes. “I need eyes on her, Vince. She needs space, but that’s all she’s getting.”
“She’s leaving you?” he asks, and I want to knock him the fuck out. She thinks she’s leaving me. And I’ll let her think that until she’s feeling better.
Doubt creeps in on me. I’m the one who made her kill Felipe. I brought her to that massacre. Even worse. My stomach churns with sickness. I took advantage of her. I never should’ve touched her when she was so vulnerable.
I’d take it all back if I could. I fucking wish I could.
I don’t answer his question. I refuse to believe she’s really leaving me. “I need cameras in there, Vince.”
“Are you out of your fucking mind?” Vince asks, with his anger coming right through. I know I need to tell him, but I don’t fucking want to. I don’t want him to think less of her. She just needs time to heal. I thought she was, though. What kind of asshole am I that I didn't know?
I’ll do everything I can to make it right. Starting with her getting her freedom back. Freedom away from me. I fucking pray she comes back to me. She just needs a little time.
“She’s not alright, Vince.” I run my hand through my hair and look up at our apartment. Fuck. She loves that apartment. I told her I’d go, and she could keep it. My heart feels like it’s breaking in two. She said she couldn’t stay there though, not with all the memories of the two of us together. She wants to erase me. She wants to forget it all. Including me and what we had together.
I push my bitch emotions down and give my full attention to Vince. “She’s not alright, she just needs some time to heal. She tried to hurt herself. I can’t let her go without knowing she’s okay.”
“What happened that set her off?” he asks, and I wish I had something with weight to tell him.
“Nothing.” I shake my head and I fucking hate the answer. “She said she’d just occasionally remember things and it hurt her. She said she wants to deal with it, and that I can’t be a part of it.” My bitch emotions come back as I remember her telling me I deserve better. Better than her? No fucking way. She’s it for me.
I’m a lucky bastard to have her. I’m not letting her go. I’d be a dumb fuck to do that. I’d be reckless to let her have space without watching her, too. I’m worried she’s going to hurt herself. I can’t let that happen.
“So you want eyes in the apartment?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I say, as I take another look up to our apartment. She’s sleeping now. My poor girl cried all night in my arms. I kept begging her for another chance or to think of another way that we could still stay together. It just made her cry harder.
The sick feeling in my stomach is the same one I had when I took out everyone I ever knew as family. It’s not a feeling of revenge, it’s a feeling of being utterly alone.
I remember thinking, it’ll be alright, when Vino set me up. I was wrong. It was a mistake. Vino was my best friend. We grew up together. We were so close, we were practically brothers. But he didn’t tell me to run, didn’t give me a heads-up. He’s the one who told me that my father and I were needed for the drop. I had this twisting hollowness in the pit of my gut that it was wrong. That everything was wrong, and it was going to end badly. But I ignored it. I couldn’t imagine Vino would set me up.