“Yeah, I’m fine.” she answers with a forced upbeat in her voice.
“It was fun hanging out with you.” I rest my hand on her thigh. We’re parked in front of a decent enough house in an average neighborhood.
“Yeah,” she says. Her smile falls and she noticeably swallows. “It was fun for me, too.” My heart drops looking at the sadness in her eyes. I don’t get it. I don’t understand why she’s so upset.
That’s a fucking lie. I know she wants more. But she can’t have it. It’s over between us. It’s better this way. She can’t be coming around after the shit she saw. Even though she forgot, I’m not bringing her around the familia. I can’t.
For fuck's sake, I want her, too. But I can’t have her.
Her small hand grips the handle to leave before I can get out of the car. That’s not happening. “I’ll walk you up.” I don’t give her a moment to respond. I’m out and around to her side before she can swing the door fully open. I offer her my hand, but she’s hesitant to accept. Finally, she does. She gracefully steps out and we walk in silence.
This fucking sucks. I don’t know if I want her more because I can’t have her, or if what I’m feeling is more than that. It doesn’t fucking matter though.
I can’t have her, and I need to end this in a way that she knows that. She turns to face me as we get to her door.
But I can’t go through with it. Her wide blue eyes focus on me and I find myself leaning forward and wrapping my arms around her waist. She moans into my mouth and kisses me back.
I shouldn’t be doing this.
My tongue dips inside, tasting her. My hands find her ass and grip her cheeks. She pulls away from me. Her breathing comes in pants. She wants me. I nip her bottom lip and give her one more kiss.
I may not be able to see her after tonight. But I’m not going to crush her heart until I absolutely have to. I don’t want to see her sad. I don’t want her angry at me. Not like she was. I fucking love this side of her. I love that she wants me.
“See you later, sweetheart.”
She hums in satisfaction and watches me as I walk to the car.
I wait to leave until after she’s in the house.
I’ve gotta get some shit done and then I’ll send her a text. My heart hardens in my chest. The familia comes to Sunday dinner. I don’t want her around them. I know by now everyone will know. An intense urge to protect her makes my muscles tight as I drive away.
I’ll just show them she’s fine. Let her wait in the foyer or something where they can see her. Then she can go.
And then I’ll really have to say goodbye.
Elle
“I said I’m sorry, Elle.”
I hear my mom’s voice, but I ignore her as I look through the bills again. I can’t fucking believe this.
“I can’t afford this!” I yell, interrupting whatever she was about to say. I'm sitting at my desk chair, and I finally turn to look at her. She’s pale and gaunt looking. She hasn’t taken care of herself. Not recently. Not ever. And it’s noticeable. Her blonde hair is pulled tight into a ponytail which makes her skin look even more wrinkled and her face more sunken in. I don’t even recognize her.
“Of course you can. They wouldn’t let me take out the loans if you couldn’t afford them.”
“No! I can’t!” I can’t help the anger heating my blood. I’m going to have to drop out of school. There’s no way I can afford to live on a grad student’s wage and only work part-time in the lab in order to pay this shit off. My heart sinks in my chest. I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t have to do this.
“How many more?” I ask her. She’s done this shit before. I know she’s hiding some. Ones that she isn’t that overdue on.
“Those are the only ones with your name on them.” Her eyes widen as she puts her hand over her heart. Her voice lowers as she cries. “I only did it because I had to.”
“You didn’t have to do it!” I’m still angry and still screaming, and that’s not what she expects. I can’t help it though. It’s so true. “You don’t have to make my life hell.”
She shakes her head and starts to speak, but I stop her.
“Don’t! Don’t you dare. I’m going to have to quit school now. You know that?” Oddly enough though, quitting school seems like more a relief than anything else.
“You have to know I didn’t mean for this to happen. I promise you, Elle. I’m going to fix this. I kicked him out. I did. It was stupid of me. I’m going to my AA meetings, I swear!”
Her eyes plead with me to forgive her as her hands clasp in front of her and tears fall down her face. It melts my anger and just makes me sad. I feel pathetic believing her, but I really do. I can help her. I know I can.
“I’ll figure this out, Mom.”
She practically runs to me and wraps her arms around my shoulders, crying as she says thank you and sorry over and over again. I pat her back and try to comfort her until I can send her away.
I stare at the closed door and feel sick to my stomach. She hasn’t paid a single dime on the mortgage. So there’s a couple grand that I owe there. But what’s even worse are the credit cards. Cash withdrawals of thousands of dollars at 22%. I’ll consolidate. I don’t know who’s going to give me a loan for that amount. But I’ll find a way. I sift through the papers and mentally calculate what I need. A little over 26k in total. My heart sinks. I made 22k a year at my old college, and a measly 14k being the night shift part-timer in the lab. I have nothing saved up because of her last “situation”. And I make 26k at this university and haven’t found a job here yet.
My head falls into my hands. There’s just no way. I don’t see how anyone would loan me the money.
I’ll try. The least I can do is try. I stand up from the desk and breathe in deep. I’m not going to cry because that accomplishes nothing.
I take one step and wince. I can still feel him inside of me. I feel raw and sore, but I love it. It’s a strange feeling, finally giving myself to someone.
I shake my head and sigh as I lay down on the bed. It’s not even made. All my stuff is still in moving boxes, along with my sheets. I don’t have much. But it’ll feel better once this room looks like my old bedroom.
I close my eyes and remember his hands on me. The heated looks he gave me as he fucked me. I moan and clench my thighs, loving the soreness. I want him again and again. I loved the way he fucked me. I’ve really been missing out.
I pop up and and dig in my purse for the birth control pills. It’s a few hours late, but it’ll be alright. I bite the inside of my cheek. Maybe I should get the morning after pill too. I feel my cheeks flame and I start feeling … dirty. I don’t like the tightness in my chest. I wanted the whole experience and I got it. Maybe I’m naïve or stupid. I don’t know, maybe I’m a slut for wanting that. I swallow the lump in my throat and grab my bottle of water to swallow down the pill. It doesn’t matter now. I got what I wanted.
My heart hurts. I don’t know what to think. One moment he’s noncommittal, the next he’s kissing me like he needs the air in my lungs to breathe.