Maybe it was because the sex had been that damn good. And he could tell himself that it was only that he hadn’t had it in a very long time, but he knew that was a lie. It was Jacob, his scent and taste and reactions and sounds. It was the way he’d resisted slowing down, held back, right up until he didn’t, until he’d let go, like a caged bird finally allowed to soar, whole body transforming. It had been nothing short of a privilege to watch and experience, and damn, he wanted it again already. He jerked off to the memories in the shower, not bothering with any embarrassment, because he had a feeling it was going to be the only way he could get through the morning without being half-hard at every stray thought of the night before. And besides, he was entitled to a little self-pleasure after the way Jacob had snuck out like a thief.
Except he hadn’t. Not really. He’d set the alarm, left the coffee maker ready to go and left a note in his usual blocky scrawl that gave Linc a tight throat.
It didn’t work. I know. Not sure either of us really expected it to, but it was my idea and I’ll own that. I just wanted to say that I won’t bug you about it again. You don’t have to worry about me being weird at work or hanging around. You can trust me. I said one night, and I’m not going to beg you for something you can’t give anyway. Take care. I mean that. Despite everything, I can’t bring myself to regret tonight, so you don’t get to beat yourself up over it either.
J
It wasn’t a Dear John letter as much as a sad statement of the reality they were living. It didn’t matter if Jacob’s idea of one night to get it out of their systems hadn’t worked. It wasn’t like they could have anything else. And he should be feeling relieved that Jacob had thought to reassure him that he wouldn’t make things hard at work. But all he could manage was sadness, deep and pervading, a loss he hadn’t seen coming. Like Jacob, he couldn’t make himself wish away the night either—it might hurt now, but he’d rather have had a few perfect hours.
That he was willing to trade a few hours of pleasure for the honor he’d prided himself on for decades, that said something about who he was as a man and he didn’t like it. Part of him kept expecting Wyatt to show up, fists at the ready. But that wasn’t going to happen. Wyatt was gone, exactly as Jacob had tried to point out. There wasn’t any ghostly spirit coming to lecture him on breaking his promise. His gut ached, a new level of grief that felt that much more final. No Wyatt to hold him accountable. No, that task was going to fall to his own conscience. And he might not want to erase the night, but Jacob deserved better than a guy who couldn’t be trusted to keep his word.
Knowing all the reasons why this had to be a one-off didn’t make him any less confused as he drove into the air base, so he was already cranky even before they started the day. He ran harder than normal with the PT, outgunning Garrick and Ray but not joining the lead pack with Jacob and Kelley at the front, keeping to himself. He kept to himself for the debriefing of the mission the day before too, which worked well until the direct questions started.
“And how did your rookie do?” Sims asked as they reviewed how the jump portion had gone. Her voice was clipped as usual, and she paced in front of the four of them.
“Fine. Kept his head about him.” Linc kept his voice even, sticking to the same sort of praise he’d use for any rookie. “Landed a little rough, but he can work on that.”
“Hartman? Do you have any questions or concerns?” Sims turned her attention to Jacob, who was doing a far better job of paying attention than Linc, leaning forward, hands on his knees, posture respectfully alert.
“Nah. Like Reid said, it went well. I’ll work on my landings. And my compass skills.”
“Sounds good. See that you do. I’ve got a light day for your crew today—some brush hauling in preparation for a controlled burn next week.”
“When’s our next jump?” Jacob sounded as eager as Garrick, who nodded.
“Next week. Enjoy your weekend off as we won’t see many of those later in the season.”
Linc was probably the only one not looking forward to the weekend, to the endless hours for rehashing the night before, only the dogs for company.
“Who’s up for a run Sunday?” he asked as they made their way to the truck to head out. Getting Ray back in shape would be a good distraction, but he shook his head.
“The youth group is having a lock-in Saturday night. I’m going to be bushed and lucky to make it to church with the rest of the family.”
“Look at you, Mr. Chaperone.” Garrick laughed as he took the back seat next to Jacob. “Man, old age comes up on you fast. Seems like just yesterday we were the ones getting locked in. I had my first kiss at one of those. Good times.”
“Me too,” Jacob shared, which made all three of them cough with varying degrees of surprise.
“No kidding?” Ray took the passenger seat next to Linc, who was driving. “Damn. Here I thought keeping the genders separate would ensure I got some sleep tomorrow night. Thanks for giving me new worries.”
“No problem.” Jacob laughed.
“And I can’t run either.” Garrick stretched in the cramped space. “My neighbor lady is possibly more nuts about her plants than Linc. I’m building her some raised beds this weekend.”
“Neighbor lady, huh?” Ray swiveled to waggle his eyebrows at Garrick.
“Ha. It’s not like that. She’s probably in her seventies now. Guess Linc and all his good deeds have worn off on me.” Giving a lopsided smile, Garrick shrugged.
“Okay, fine. Leave me to run alone.” Linc backed out of the parking space and headed for their assigned location.
“Hey, you didn’t ask the rook,” Garrick pointed out. Damn it. Linc had not meant the invitation for him but now he couldn’t exactly exclude him without raising questions.
But before he could figure out what to say, Jacob sighed, casual as could be. “Nah. I’ll text you if I get free, but I’m on yard work duty for Mom myself.”
That was so deftly handled that Linc almost whistled under his breath. He was good. No sign of the guy who had been panting and begging in Linc’s arms, no extra interest in him at all.
And why that made him sad, he couldn’t say. He needed to be relieved, not wistful.
“Well, let me know,” he managed, trying for the same carefree attitude, but not sure he got there.
“Will do.” Jacob kept up the casual distance even when they were out in the field, nothing other than professional, one of the guys. He joked around when Garrick or Ray started it, neither pensive nor withdrawn, but mainly he got down to work. How the fuck did he stay so normal when Linc could hardly breathe from wanting him so damn bad? And he had how many more months of this to get through? He seriously might not make it in one piece.