“So? You turned down the idea of me finding a different crew, getting out of your hair.”
“Yeah.” Linc groaned like Jacob had punched him. “I did. And I’ve got reasons for that too. But I’ve been thinking...your idea about working this out of our systems, it wasn’t terrible.”
“Except for the part where it didn’t work.”
“Well, maybe we didn’t give it enough time. We’ve got an awful lot of wanting at this point. Maybe it’s going to take more than once or twice to be able to move on.”
“So you propose fucking on the down low until one of us doesn’t want to anymore?” He couldn’t keep the skepticism out of his voice.
“You make it sound crass.”
“It’s not?”
“It wasn’t in my mind. Not like that. Not like using you.” Linc managed to sound outraged and hurt at the same time, like using Jacob was simply unthinkable. “More like...using each other. Working this thing out, figuring that it’ll run its course eventually. If we can do that, maybe the rest of it will get easier—work and everything else. We can be normal around each other finally.”
Jacob snorted. They were many things around each other, but normal unaffected acquaintances probably wasn’t ever going to be it.
“And it’s not like I’m gonna be here come fall anyway.”
“What the hell? What do you mean you’re not going to be here?” Jacob pushed off the couch so he could loom over Linc for once, show him how stupid his talk was.
“I’ve been doing a ton of thinking. All winter. Maybe I miss when I was traveling around. Taking jobs as they came. I figure me and the dogs, we can find a fresh start somewhere. Maybe near one of the other air bases. Alaska even. Somewhere where it doesn’t ache so damn much.”
Jacob’s heart broke for Linc’s pain even as frustration with his logic made his muscles tense.
“Oh, well, at least you’re keeping the dogs. You’d really sell this place? After all you went through to keep it? All the shit you had to deal with about your dad’s debts? You’d just let it go?”
Linc let out a pained huff. “Too much damn baggage around here. You. Wyatt. My folks.”
“I get it. But you think it will hurt less, not being around here, and you’re wrong. You can’t outrun yourself.”
“Maybe not. But maybe I gotta try. Anything to lose this...funk. Fucking sucks.”
“You think I’m not sad? This year’s been depressing for all of us.” Maybe he hadn’t realized until this moment exactly how sad and depressed Linc likely was. And he’d do anything to take that from him, but he wasn’t sure that encouraging him to get some sort of fresh start was the answer. “But you can’t run away. And what, you’ll fuck around with me up until you pull up stakes? And you’ll hope that makes you... I dunno...immune to me or something? No more what-ifs?”
“Exactly. One way or another, it’ll burn itself out, but there’s no reason to drive ourselves crazy all summer with avoiding each other. Not when I’m leaving anyway. And you’re the one who said getting it out of our systems would help.”
“Yeah. I did.” Defeated, Jacob slumped back onto the couch, next to Linc. Was he really going to turn down more sex with Linc simply because he was pissed that Linc found him so expendable? Especially when he’d done nothing other than encourage Linc to see him that way. And if the choice was more months of tense and awkward interactions or a secret affair, was there really a choice at all? Not when he still wanted Linc so damn bad. It wasn’t like he could simply turn it off, not after this long. Linc might be able to delude himself into thinking he’d be able to walk away, unscathed and guilt-free, but Jacob knew the truth. Losing Linc was going to suck no matter when or how it happened. So he might as well enjoy it while he had it. “Fuck it. Okay. Okay. Fine. Have it your way.”
“It’s the only answer I’ve got.” Linc sounded as resigned as Jacob felt, which strangely strengthened his resolve. Linc was hurting, and if this helped, then Jacob was powerless to say no. “Only thing that makes sense, not that any of this does, not really.”
“Well, either way, we’re screwed. Might as well be the fun kind.” He forced his voice to be light, knowing that was what Linc expected of him. He wasn’t supposed to be the emo, pensive one. He was supposed to be leaping at the idea of more sex with Linc. It wasn’t enough, wasn’t ever going to be enough. But whatever. He’d take what he could now, worry about the autumn and what was sure to be left later.
Chapter Ten
“Yeah. Might as well.” Linc gave Jacob a tight smile. It was possibly the stupidest plan he’d ever had, but it was the best he could manage. The alternative was to quit now, hit the road, hope to catch on with another smoke-jumping base, but he’d be leaving a lot of people in the lurch. And the dogs. They made everything more complicated, but it wasn’t like he was leaving them behind either. No, it was better that he see the season out, then find a situation for him and the dogs that better suited them, away from all these blasted memories. Close enough so that maybe he could see Jenna and the family every once in a blue moon. If they’d have him. If this thing with Jacob didn’t blow up in all their faces first.
And yes, the smartest thing would be to get Jacob moved to a different crew, but apparently lust had addled what remained of his brains. Because right now, the best plan seemed to be to get through the summer, keep Jacob alive at work, carry on with him enough in private to loosen this hold they had on each other and make the work easier and the moving on more realistic. He wasn’t being cutesy—he really did think Jacob had a point. Maybe if they fucked around enough this...fixation would end.
And maybe Bandit and Shadow would start flying around their dog run. But it was worth a shot. And at this point, anything that got him more Jacob was worth all the rationalization and justification.
“If that’s settled...” Jacob glanced over his shoulder at the door. He seemed to be as reluctant as Linc to continue the deep talk. “I believe I was promised couch sex, but you’ve got old-man recovery issues and I don’t want to overstay my welcome—”
“Simmer down.” Linc forced himself to smile, to reach for the lightness that was never that far away when Jacob was around. “I’ll feed you. We’ll get to the other.”
“I don’t want to keep taking your food,” Jacob protested even as he followed Linc toward the kitchen.
“Sorry. Pizza won’t deliver this far out, and I’m hungry. You can cope with your guilt by helping me cook.” Both dogs followed along to the kitchen, undoubtedly sensing that human food was in the offing. After washing his hands and getting his clothes back to rights, he turned back to Jacob. “You wanna start by helping feed these beasts?”