Before I answered, Darlene had crossed the carpeted area and reached the door. Even if I’d wanted to confide in her, I couldn’t stand it if my colleagues ridiculed me the way Kevin and Erin had.
As usual, the kids lined up, bouncing on toes or outright jumping up to catch their parents’ attention. I waved at my neighbor Barb, while Darlene released the children one at a time. If my marriage ended, perhaps Barb would share single-parenting advice. The reality of it hurt so much I pushed it aside. For now, I breathed a sigh of relief that my job had ended for the day. I’d done my best for my students, even if I hadn’t been at the top of my game.
“Want to grab a quick lunch and a little gossip?” Darlene asked as we did one final sweep of the room. “I guess you’ve already heard that Susan Miller’s new baby isn’t her husband’s. Now he’s threatening to sue for custody of Sadie. I mean, I do feel bad for him, but how can he not have known sooner?” She grimaced while tossing two broken crayons.
Sadie was an adorable four-year-old in another classroom here at the Tot Spot. It ripped me up to think of her as a pawn in her parents’ battle. Worse to know that if my marriage ended, I’d be the subject of such “friendly” gossip.
“That’s tragic for all of them. Sorry, I can’t join you for lunch, though. I’ve got errands and an appointment.” My dismissiveness should stanch further questions. I had no intention of discussing my upcoming appointment with the private investigator, Stan Whittaker. Lord only knew what he must think of me. But with Lyle’s disappearing act, the need to locate my husband had intensified. Still, I didn’t want Darlene’s radar going up, so I said, “Rain check?”
“Sure.” She smiled. “Have a good afternoon.”
I waved goodbye and then went straight to my car, closed my eyes, and let my head fall back while inhaling slowly. When my phone rang, I jerked before grabbing for my purse to dig it out. An unfamiliar number. “Hello?”
“Amanda, it’s me.”
“Lyle?” I choked on his name, but the surge of relief from the sound of his voice made everything else fall away. “Why haven’t you called sooner? I’ve been so upset. Everyone’s so upset.”
“I’m sorry. I’d hoped my letter would buy some time to sort through things before we spoke. I went to Abaco for a few days to sniff out redevelopment opportunities. Service there is spotty, then my phone dropped out of my shirt pocket into the sea when I was tying up to the dock.”
I couldn’t focus on his words with all the things I wanted to say competing for my attention. Mostly I considered the nights I’d spent crying while he’d apparently been cruising the Bahamas. Fury climbed up my throat. “When did you become a man who’d treat a whore to a vacation on my mother’s dime while your daughter and I were heartsick at home?”
He heaved the kind of sigh one breathed in the face of a petulant child. “This is exactly why I didn’t want to talk yet. If we can’t be civil, there’s no point.”
“No point?” I stared at the arborvitae that edged the parking lot, processing a remark that reduced the past few years of my life to nothingness.
“You know what I mean. Amanda, it kills me to have hurt you like this, but, please, let’s not say things we can’t take back.” The soothing tone that usually worked on me sounded patronizing.
“I think I’m entitled to some anger, Lyle. You’ve made me question everything I believed in. Meanwhile, my mother is a nervous wreck about her money. I’ve been agonizing all weekend while you’ve been dallying in the Caribbean. To top it off, Kevin and Erin are breathing down my back, ready to call the cops.”
“Of course they are. Kevin’s paranoid, and Erin never liked me no matter how much I did for you and your parents over the years.”
Kevin was shrewd, not paranoid, although Lyle was right about Erin. When he’d mowed the lawn for Dad that summer after his knee replacement, Erin had practically choked on her thank-you. And anytime Lyle gave me a piece of jewelry or pretty new outfit, she’d made it seem like it had more to do with his ego than with his love for me. Then again, unlike my sister, I’d totally missed Lyle’s potential to do harm.
“Erin thought you were a phony, and your affair proves her right. You’re a liar and a coward.” Hurling insults didn’t feel as good as I’d hoped, nor would they change the facts or remind Lyle of the happy life we’d had together.
“If that’s how you feel, you must want a divorce.”
The chilling lack of remorse in his voice made me feel like I’d been thrown into the bay on a cold March day. “Don’t twist my words around to put this on me. You’re the one who broke our vows.” A sob broke apart before I could stifle it. “Why? Why did you do that?”
“I didn’t plan it, Amanda.” He now sounded sorry, but I didn’t quite trust anything he said or did. And his feelings were beside the point. “I don’t know what else to say that won’t hurt you more.”
My hopes of reconciliation dimmed. “Please. I need to understand what happened, Lyle. Where did I go wrong?”
I closed my eyes, pressing my skull against the headrest as if its support would somehow cushion the blow.
“It’s a lot of pressure to live up to—your standards of perfection and thoughtfulness. Plus the work of keeping you on the pedestal your sister kicked you off of with your dad. And you’re content to live the rest of your life in your hometown. At first it was charming—so different from my childhood—but after working with Ebba on some commercial deals, something changed. She’s adventuresome and shares my sense of humor. She’s not set on living the rest of her life in Potomac Point. With her I can imagine a different kind of future. One with infinite possibilities and no moral high ground.”
Each of his words exploded in my chest like copper-tipped bullets. I looked down, expecting to see blood. With shallow breaths, I wondered if this was what my dad’s heart attack had felt like and if heartbreak could cause cardiac arrest. “But when we met, you craved a home and a family where you felt loved and secure because of your childhood. My parents welcomed you in and tried to fill that void. I’ve been giving you exactly what you said you wanted . . .”
“You did and I’m grateful. You healed me, and I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, Amanda. I never wanted that. If you believe nothing else, believe that.”
If I’d healed him, why was he leaving me? “Don’t you love me anymore?”
The silent pause said more than any words could. A sour taste flooded my mouth. My body broke into a cold sweat.
“It’s complicated. Part of me will always love you, but now I’m in love with her, too. No matter who I choose, I’ll have some regrets and hurt someone. As for you and me, it’s hard to imagine that you could really forgive me for Ebba.”
On one hand, I wanted to shout at him to stop saying her name. On the other, it was no wonder Lyle couldn’t conceive of the forgiveness and love I offered. His mother had walked away from him rather than fight for her family. His dad had then blamed him, making him feel more unwanted.
“It won’t be easy, but when I think of everything we have . . . or had . . . If you come home, I’m willing to try—for us and for our daughter. Doesn’t she deserve the stability you didn’t have growing up?”