Slowly, Sam placed both hands on my shoulders and pulled me into a big bear hug. My safe space. Encased by strangers and surrounded by brushstrokes, his head nuzzled into my hair and I heard him breathe, ‘You know I’ll always love you, J.’
15 July 2017 – London, England
Sam sat across from me in silence, the sunshine dancing on the Thames behind us. Large speakers blared out; it was London Bridge’s Summer of Love. This was meant to be fun.
‘Are you okay?’ I asked, stroking his arm, trying to rescue him from his thoughts.
‘Yeah, just thinking.’ He smiled, leaning his head onto my sun-kissed shoulder.
‘Don’t hurt yourself,’ I quipped, kissing his fluffed-up hair. He tickled my ribs, lifting his head back up to take a sip of his beer. I watched him cast his eyes back out across the water. Armies of tourists lined the riverbank, arms extended for the perfect selfie. Couples cuddled each other as families licked ice creams. I had watched them all week, waiting for Sam to visit. And now he was here. Less happy than in my imagination.
‘About?’ I asked. Sam’s stressed-out hospital weeks were sending him further into himself.
‘It’s just, sometimes, I can’t imagine living here any more.’ Sam must have felt me stiffen as he quickly added, ‘but then, I’m not the imaginative one.’ He smiled, the warmth of his grin reflecting onto my own. I was desperate for him to move down to London; that was always the plan. That was what he’d said he wanted. That was the reason I was here, surrounded by people but so often feeling alone. Holding him closer, I nestled in the crook of his neck, placing a light kiss on his clavicle.
‘That’s okay,’ I whispered against him. ‘You’ll love it when you get here.’
‘You think?’ He tilted his lips towards my forehead. I could hear his heart beating in my ear.
‘I know,’ I assured him. ‘And until then, I’ll imagine for the both of us.’ I grinned, savouring the sky as it turned from blue and white to orange and pink, a painting of our future so close we could almost touch it.
Chapter 27
5 September 2020 – Sydney, Australia
‘You can let go now,’ I said into the warmth of his shoulder, nervous that my make-up might make a mess of his white kaftan. Tim pulled away, sincerity written on every inch of his face.
‘You’ve done a great job, Jessica, incredible, even,’ he said, as I let his words warm me from the inside out. ‘We couldn’t have done it without you.’ For a moment he looked worried at the thought of doing just that, his Carlo still nowhere to be seen even though my Sam had shown. But soon I’d tell him that he didn’t have to. That I wasn’t going to take my job at Art Today Australia after all. That I was ready for something different, something new.
‘Need a cab?’ Tim looked over my shoulder in the direction of the voice that had spoken, grinning from ear to ear. I turned to see Joshua standing there, his casual shirt now a little more undone. ‘Sorry for interrupting,’ he added to Tim, who was already pushing me out of the door and in his direction. I’d had no idea Joshua was still here; had he been waiting for me? I scanned the room in search of Sam even though I knew he was long gone, back home to Jamie though his words were left with me: you know I’ll always love you.
Following Joshua into the taxi, my feet felt like they were floating across the ground. The champagne was only partially responsible.
‘You did amazingly, Jess,’ Joshua said as I gazed out of the window, watching the late hour of the night turn into the early hours of morning, just like the exhibition we had left behind. ‘Want to do anything to celebrate?’ Joshua’s words faded into the distance as the coastline was slowly illuminated by the promise of sunrise. Like the colours of the sky, morphing before me now, I wanted this night to stretch into the morning, for the warmth of this success to stretch on for days. There was only one thing I wanted to do now.
‘Are you sure?’ Joshua replied, obviously not sure it was a great idea, given how much I’d drunk. But before he could object I was waving him off and winding my weary feet onto the Bondi to Coogee coastal path, content to savour the slow walk home.
Heels now in hand, I put one bare foot in front of the other as I watched the sun start to show, scattering glitter across the great expanse of ocean before me. I watched as the burnt orange of the sun started to emerge from the vast mystery of the sea, bringing the work of Leo Todd and the other artists of our collection to life right before my eyes. I had helped make tonight happen. I’d impressed Sam, Tim – I’d impressed myself. I embraced the early sunrise, holding Sam’s sentences closer still. This was the Sydney, the new start I’d been chasing. A new day had finally arrived.
My mind woke up, but my body remained dead. I reached for the bottle of water on my bedside table, right where the photograph of Sam and Jamie used to sit. I took a sip and sighed; it had been a great night. In quick succession, I ran through the highlights: the turnout, the friends, the interviews, that moment with Sam, the sunrise. This was one of those rare times where the hangover was probably worth it; last night was a blast.
Forcing my feet to the floor, I stood up, pulled on a hoodie and threw the now drained water bottle into the bin. Turning the door handle to exit the room, for once I hoped Sam wasn’t waiting for me with pancakes in the kitchen. I wasn’t in a fit state to see anyone. I wasn’t in a fit state to eat pancakes. I’d speak to Tim next week about staying on with the exhibition; my steady wages would finally get me in a place nearby. And I’d be around to see how things worked out – or didn’t – with Sam and Jamie. I was already starting to see the real Sam revealing himself, the old Sam coming back to me. Finally, it felt like everything was how it was meant to be. Walking down the corridor, I heard the familiar sound of feet pacing and knew I wasn’t alone.
‘Jess, can you get through to Sam?’ a frantic-looking Jamie asked as I entered the kitchen-living room. Believe me, Jamie, I’ve been trying to. I thought back to last night again, Sam’s words still ringing in my ears, champagne pounding in my head. Had he even come home? For a moment I felt bad; Sam was almost a married man. The looks, the touch, that sense, that sentence, it all ran on repeat in my mind. But didn’t Jamie deserve to know the real Sam too? No one could wear a mask forever. I was just encouraging it off a little sooner. One day she might even thank me. I looked at her, perfect in her skin-tight black jeans and black tank top. Just look at her. Even with worry sketched across her forehead she was the kind of girl who would always be okay. And I was starting to think I’d be okay too, more than okay.
‘Um,’ I replied, guilt shooting through my body. I tried to bury it as quickly as it came. ‘I haven’t tried, want me to give him a call?’ Jamie nodded, panicked. Sam had headed home before me last night but I couldn’t remember seeing him on the sofa when I finally returned home. Come to think of it, I couldn’t remember much after my magical moment at all. ‘I’ll try now,’ I assured her, hitting Sam’s number, half hoping he wouldn’t pick up on the first ring. It would be too brutal for Jamie to take right now. Within moments, Sam’s answerphone clicked in. I looked to Jamie and shook my head.