I smiled nervously; even the thought of pretending to be her made me feel out of place, like mutton dressed as lamb. Not that vegan Jamie would consider dressing like either.
‘Come this way.’ Together we followed the woman into a discreet side room with a table in the centre laid out with a dozen glasses and wine bottles to match. ‘Take a seat.’ She gestured towards the sturdy wooden chairs. Joshua pulled one out for me and held a supportive hand out as I sat down. The lady looked at me – with irritation or envy, I couldn’t tell.
‘Here at The Argyle,’ she began, ‘we like to offer an intimate tasting free from our own opinions.’ Her tone was wooden, her shift far from over. ‘This brochure will tell you everything you need to know about the wines and I’ll be just on the other side of the door should you have any questions.’ She said the final sentence with a slightly raised eyebrow as if to say: so no funny business. She wasn’t to know that Joshua was my ex-boyfriend’s fiancée’s older brother and that ‘funny business’ was not on the menu today. I nodded eagerly in agreement and watched as she left the room, closing the door behind her. We were finally alone. Except, sadly, the wrong ‘we’. Not that Joshua was going to know I cared.
‘So, future Mrs Sam,’ Joshua began; my heart sank. ‘White or red?’
‘White?’ I suggested; no one wanted to look like they’d been face deep in blueberry pie on a date. Not that this was a date. Joshua poured wine into two glasses, one more generous than the other. Just like the waves on our first surfing lesson that had once seemed so large, I wasn’t sure the wine looked as inviting without Sam by my side.
‘Trying to get me drunk, Sam?’ It was a sentence I’d said a thousand times before. If we kept this role play up, I’d need a bigger glass.
‘I’m on my bike,’ Joshua explained, shedding his role as my ex-boyfriend as I finally caught my breath. ‘I’ll have to watch what I drink.’
‘Look, I know those cycling proficiency test things tell you not to drink but if you just go slow on the cycle path…’
Joshua raised his eyebrows at me. ‘You think I ride a pushbike, don’t you?’
‘I… don’t you?’
‘Jess, I ride a motorbike,’ he said matter-of-factly. ‘I’ve told you that.’ Had he? I scrambled around in my mind for this hidden information. It was unfortunate that most of the time we’d spent together I was trying to save myself from drowning, or trying to find out more about Sam and Jamie. ‘Sometimes I think you don’t listen to me.’ He smiled and shook his head.
‘I listen to you.’ My objection was laced with laughter, trying to keep things light. Just maybe not very closely when Sam and Jamie were around. ‘I love to listen to you.’
Joshua reached a hand to mine. ‘I’ll give you a lift home tonight.’
‘I don’t want to drink all this if you’re not drinking,’ I argued, actually telling the truth; my stomach churned.
‘That’s okay, just have a sip if you like…’ Joshua began, but I was too busy gulping down glass number one. Hair of the dog; it was worth a shot, right?
‘Wow, this is…’ I pointed to the glass as Joshua opened bottle number two. ‘The one.’
Chapter 28
‘Ding, ding, ding, ladies and gentlemen – we have a new winner!’
Joshua laughed out loud. Was I drinking too much? I was drinking too much. Again. At least this morning’s hangover was nowhere to be seen.
‘You said that about the last one.’ He laughed; he was wearing his Ray-Bans again after I had told him for the thousandth time he looked good in them. We had dissolved into laugher as the woman who had welcomed us had popped her head around the door to check on us to find us on our third bottle of red and wearing our sunglasses inside, an arm each slung over one another like the Blues Brothers we weren’t.
‘The last one set the bar,’ I replied. ‘This one just smashed it!’
After her last check-in, our host had finally left us to our own devices. Poor Joshua. Through his sunglasses, I couldn’t tell if he wanted to go home.
‘Bet you wish Jamie was here?’ I put my hand on his in a drunken slur.
‘I don’t actually.’ He grinned, his eyes searching across my face, hoping to find something. ‘As much as I love her, I—’
‘When we first met, I actually thought you did love her,’ I interrupted through unwarranted laughter. ‘Before I knew she was your sister, obviously.’
‘I do love her.’ He shook his head, confused but smiling, sunglasses now removed, his blue eyes piercing mine. It was that look of confused endearment again. I had no idea why that kept happening around me.
‘No, like, actually love-her love her,’ I slurred. It worried me how sober he seemed and how not sober I was beginning to feel. Why was I telling him this?
‘Jess!’ He laughed, putting his glass-free hands to his eyes as if the mental image of the two of them had hit him square between them. ‘She’s my sister.’ He laughed again.
‘I didn’t know that at the time!’ My laughter joined his, as I pulled my hand to my blueberry-stained lips; sometimes it was just too hard to say no. ‘Just like you guys don’t know…’ I stopped myself. My filter wasn’t great at the best of times, never mind when we were three bottles in, and I dreaded to think what proportion of those Joshua had actually had drunk.
‘Don’t know what?’ He smiled coyly, moving in a little closer. His eyes looked so kind and trusting, I almost wanted to tell him everything. Plus, he was one of my only friends this side of the equator. One of my only just friends at least. I imagined confessing everything: I never had an apartment, I never had a job. I was winging it this whole time and now it was finally paying off. Oh, and I started loving your sister’s fiancé at the age of eighteen and never really worked out how to stop.
‘Jess, anything you tell me will stay with me,’ he encouraged, leaning closer still, placing a hand on my upper thigh, his touch as light and welcome as the summer breeze we were all waiting for. ‘Sometimes you just have to stop worrying about what other people will think.’
‘I don’t know…’ I began as he leaned a little closer. Even in my familiar drunken haze, I knew this wasn’t a good idea.
‘Seriously, Jess.’ He grinned again, happy and hopeful. ‘You can tell me. It’ll be our secret until you’re ready to tell other people.’
‘How I feel about him,’ I whispered over the rim of my glass, gazing up to gauge Joshua’s reaction.
‘Him?’ Joshua’s face fell as he pulled back, retrieving his hand, leaving the space where he’d touched me, cold. ‘Who?’ I couldn’t make out his expression.
‘Sam,’ I admitted. ‘Who did you think I meant?’
‘It doesn’t matter.’ Joshua shook his head and poured himself another splash of red. ‘I thought you guys broke up years ago?’
God, it was only three years ago. We were together for five. We were in love. We had our whole lives planned out. Why was that so hard for people to understand? Why did— wait…