Kim shot a look to him. “Wait, what? No. Roddy, I think you and I need to talk separately.”
“What has all this been Kim?” I hit a hand to my chest. “Am I just your fun distraction waiting for the real thing?”
She held my gaze. “Is that what you really think of me?”
“I don’t think you’re a liar. I would never think that. But you can’t speak your truth and that’s just as dangerous. You let people live your life for you. I won’t do that or be that way. I don’t know what to think anymore. I certainly had no idea you were about to go on tour. This is all news to me. You made promises.”
“I did commit to help with the concerto. You’ve finished it now. I’m trying to do what’s best here. Be patient with me while I figure this out.” Her eyes pleaded with me. I had to look away. “If I take that solo, if I stay here, you know how it would go over.”
Roddy added sheepishly, “I was going to surprise you after the show. Everything has come through perfectly. People are dying to see Christine Day already.”
“This is bullshit. You committed to me!” I yelled and kicked the desk.
She flinched back. I knew I was only making things worse, but we couldn’t end like this. She couldn’t be pressured into leaving. She’d promised me.
Roddy remained quiet as his gaze flicked between us. It was calculating. I didn’t like it.
“I’m sorry.” Kim brought my attention back to her. Her face was creased with a frown.
“Why don’t you want her to go?” Roddy asked me. “Are you worried about her or your September showcase? Did you tell her you’d always intended for her to have the solo? How you fought for her on the committee?”
Kim’s head shot to me. More color seemed to drain from her face. “Devlin. I was so worried you would push me into this.” Her voice was a hurt whisper. “I told you everything. You knew what that solo would cost me.”
“I was going to make sure you were ready.” Of course I had wanted her to play it. That’s why we’d been rehearsing so much together, but I would never force her.
I couldn’t lose her. I’d just gotten her. Fear seized my chest. I couldn’t take a full breath.
“You can play it. Nobody else can,” I growled. I didn’t have to explain to them. She’d been there too. She felt the connection, the music, the … love. Fuck, it was love. We both felt it, but she was too chicken to admit it.
“But did you ever consider if it was what I really wanted?” she asked.
Fear stacked behind her eyes. I knew she couldn’t be pushed too soon. I wasn’t trying to, but she had to at least stay and try. I couldn’t lose her.
“You deserve it. You need to stop hiding yourself.” How could I convey this to her? We had talked, she was right. That only convinced me she was ready to move forward. I thought now more than ever she could let go of her past. But she was retreating again. She was pulling away from me.
Fear of losing her, of losing everything we had surged panic through me. I couldn’t stop the words from coming.
“You have to choose. Right now.” Desperation made my words sharp and defiant.
“Don’t make her choose to save your ego,” Roddy said in soft condescension. “Yo-Yo, you don’t have to listen to him. He’s upset because he thinks he’s lost his muse. But you need to tell him what you told me. Be honest. Tell him that you want to go home.”
My heart slammed against my chest. If they weren’t here, I’d grip the wall to keep from collapsing. Had she talked about me to him? How often where they talking? After I had made her come? When we spent hours sharing and playing with each other? I felt like I was growing a new life with this woman and now I was finding out she was a total stranger. Everything had been for her. This tool knew nothing about what made her amazing.
Kim turned to me, her eyes mournful. “It’s not that I don’t want to help you. I do—”
“Can you take off that ridiculous mask? We all know you’re Erik Jones. Erik Devlin Jones.” He rolled his eyes.
Kim’s eyes widened and she covered her mouth. No.
“You told him?” I asked feeling like the ground under my feet crumbled with every passing second.
“No. How could you even think that?” She stood and her gaze was restless with worry.
“I don’t know anything anymore.” I shook my head. I couldn’t trust anything. My own feelings for her must have colored every happy memory we had together. Now all I saw was her laughing with Chagny about me. Every time she left my house, did she go to him? I imagined it—the two of them with bent heads, whispering about my past.
“She didn’t tell me.” Roddy stood too. “You think I’d let somebody I love spend all that time with you without knowing who you really are? I thought it was harmless. I didn’t know you were obsessed with her.”
“I don’t give a fuck what you think.” I went to Kim. When I tried to grab her hands, she pulled them away and wrapped them tightly around her middle. “Kim, I know you’re scared. It’s just you and me, remember?”
She shook her head, no tears. She looked checked out. “I need time to process.”
Roddy stood and came to Kim’s side. “I’m sure if you really want to stay, we could explain everything to the orchestra. Carla and the others think the worst, especially now. But we could make it work, if that’s what you really want. You know I could make that happen for you.”
Kim closed her eyes tightly as his words hit the mark. He knew exactly what he was doing. I couldn’t compete against that. I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t use her weaknesses to emotionally manipulate her.
“Kim.” I stepped closer to her. Not too close to crowd her. I didn’t touch her, but I let her remember the heat of our bodies close together. “Please look at me. Tell me what you want.”
“She goes by Christine now. It’s time to let the past go,” Chagny said.
“I swear to God, if you don’t put a muzzle on him …” I shook.
“I need time to think.” She didn’t open her eyes, just brought her balled fists to her temples.
“You need to choose,” I said.
“I can’t.”
“Are you staying or going?” With every second of pressure she was closer to breaking. She was a drum I was tuning too tight, but I couldn’t stop. She needed to say it. She was in charge of her life. Not either of us.
“Roddy,” she said, and my heart fell to the floor. “Can you give us five minutes?”
He nodded and headed for the door, he stopped to kiss her temple on the way out. “I’m here for you. If you need anything, I’ll be right outside.”
By the time he was out of the room my joints hurt from the rigid tension my whole body held.
“If you are going to break it to me gently, don’t bother. Just do it. I’ll find another cellist.”
I shouldn’t have said that. It was a stupid thing to say, but I couldn’t let her see how deeply she’d cut me. How much she’d hurt me. That was her song. That was my soul on paper again for her and she wouldn’t accept it.