She stepped closer. She grabbed my hands.
“Things are happening too fast. I never would have … with you if … Roddy and I are just friends.”
“But you’re leaving with him, aren’t you?” I pulled my hand away. “You’re taking his little tour and you’re going to do whatever he says.”
“Tell me to stay.” She grabbed me tighter, with both hands. “Give me a reason. I cannot destroy someone else’s life. I need to know why you wanted me this whole time.”
She held my gaze, imploring. I knew what she needed to hear. My chest seized. The words wouldn’t come. Hadn’t I been transparent this whole time? Hadn’t she always seen the core of me? I’d shown her my love in the lessons. In the music. I could tell her everything. I could tell her the truth of my love for her, but then what? It would still be me choosing for her. She needed to make a choice about her own life. I wouldn’t be another person telling her what to do. I wouldn’t hamper her growth. I loved her too much.
I memorized her face as I spoke, knowing it would be one of the last times I ever saw it this close. “You want somebody to tell you exactly what you want and need so that if anything ever goes wrong, it’s not your fault. I would never make it that easy on you and you know that. Everything you feel in your heart, everything you know to be true, you’re willing to ignore just because you don’t want to make the wrong choice.” As I said the words, the world faded out of focus around me.
This would be last time I held her hand. I knew it as sure as I knew anything. She closed her eyes and a tear dropped onto our clasped hands.
“You don’t want to have to choose. You want someone to make the choices. You think because you can argue about big ideas and theories, that you are assertive and know what you want, but I have never seen somebody who knows less about themselves.”
She looked up, her beautiful eyes glistening. “You’re right then, I guess.”
My fingertips went numb.
“You think he’s offering you security, but you couldn’t be further from the truth. He’s taking away any chance you had to find yourself again.”
She shook her head slowly. “It’s never been about me.” Her voice was soft as she spoke. She still wouldn’t look at me. “It’s always been about you proving something. About showing the world they were wrong about you.”
Her accusation unnerved me. Rage built up inside me. She had no clue how people took and took and only wanted to be in your life for what you could provide to them.
“You have no idea how it feels to be me. Even you. You changed when you saw my face. I never know if you are Kim or Christine. If you want Devlin for his talent or Erik Jones because of some childhood crush.”
She cringed. “It has never been about your fame. You can’t see that. Your soul just sees darkness and corruption. You’re pushing me away before you even give it a chance.”
“You chose him,” I spat. “You chose him and the tour over your commitments to me.”
“This was never about me,” she said almost to herself. “You told me once that my past was a lesson and not a life sentence. You should have been talking to yourself. If anybody is in the prison of the past, it’s you. You’re missing everything because you hold onto anger so tightly.”
I covered my ears with my hands. She lied. I couldn’t take another word. “Just leave. Go with him. Let yourself forget all that we shared. How you tapped into the truest part of yourself for the music. Forget you were ever here. Forget you ever saw the real me.”
With that, I left the room. There was nothing else to say. The choice was made.
Chapter 35
Without the love, music has no point.
DEVLIN
“Let’s get this over with.” I slammed the door into Andy-Dick’s office.
As soon as this was finished, I was going home. She’d taken everything from me. She’d taken my music and my pride. I’d given her everything.
“Ah, Maestro. Have a seat,” Andy said.
“Just fire me. I’m not sitting down for that,” I said.
My palms itched. My stomach was twisted with anxious energy. I hated being in this position. Why I’d ever thought coming back to this place was a good idea, I would never know.
“Please. Sit.”
There was nothing left in me to care about this place or any other place. Screw this town. Screw the SOOK. I could move on.
But could I? I had burned every bridge I’d ever built. Coming to the SOOK was supposed to be the easiest thing I ever did for my career. I couldn’t even make it work. I really was a loser. Had it ever really been about the SOOK, or had it been about Kim?
“It’s an interesting thing that happened,” Dick said. “You were on thin ice, but in the interest of full disclosure, the drama between you and Miss Day has been great for our sales.”
“Tickets sales are up. Google searches. Instagram, hashtags. I don’t really get it, but our PR intern tells us these are all good things,” Andy finished.
“Great.” I was so thrilled that the pain that crippled my chest was entertainment.
“Gossip sells tickets. Now, I obviously don’t want to run a business on sensationalism, but right now, leaving wouldn’t be the wisest thing to do,” Dick said.
“And we don’t want it to look like we are condoning this sort of behavior. There would have to be a probational period. A slap on the hand. A few weeks off to cool down a little, after the Fourth of July show, of course. But we still have the September showcase.” Andy pointed to a calendar hanging on the wall.
“I’m not fired?” I asked not believing.
“You are absolutely fired. Unless …”
Dick said, “We still need tickets sold. Something else interesting has been brought to our attention.”
“Turns out you’re a bit of a celebrity. Not sure why you would hide such a past from us. That’s fantastic!” Andy said.
“Perhaps we can come to an arrangement for the September showcase. In addition to your Smokey Mountain Suite, we’ll advertise your famous background. You could play your most famous song, Don’t Look Back,” Dick said.
“A rock concert and a concerto in one.” The other smiled broadly at his own idea.
“I will conduct for the Fourth of July concert. I won’t leave the community hanging like that, but you’re out of your minds if you think I’ll …” I reached for the door. The last thing I would ever do was bring that life into this one. Not a chance in hell I’d play that garbage song. It was bad enough I was even back here.
“Of course we’ll continue the Fourth of July as planned,” Andy simpered.
“The choice is yours for September,” Dick said.
“Take a couple weeks to think about it. It’s summer break anyway. You have the choice. You can come back or you can ruin your career.”
“Great options,” I mumbled. “You know what? Consider my fist to Chagny’s face my official resignation.”
Chapter 36