“Trust me, Nan, I’m the last person in the world Aunt Viv wants to hear from about this party. Like I said before the break, I think it will mean so much more coming from you.” I don’t want to be the messenger who gets shot.
“Well, I’m just so busy here, Josie, I don’t know when I’ll find the time to find, er, I mean, go to the kitchen and tell Viv about the party. I would send her an e-mail, but you were the one who told me that the invitation should be delivered in person.” I have a pile of admissions files back in Colson Hall to go through and, frankly, I don’t have the time right now for a verbal badminton match that I’m eventually going to lose since Nan’s my boss. I throw the match but with a caveat.
“Okay, Nan. I’ll do it tonight, but I want to see the invite list so I can show Aunt Viv who’s been invited so she’ll get excited for the party.”
“Yes, fine, fine, fine. Elsamyassistant will e-mail the Viva la Viv list to you. I think we are done here, don’t you?” Nan has surpassed her standard two minutes of human interaction. “Elsamyassistant will see you out now.”
SEVENTEEN
I stare at the App Store button on my phone. I’ve been doing this about six times a day ever since Lola and I came across Michael’s profile on Bumble. There are so many unanswered questions I have, and I want Bumble to be able to answer them for me. What happened to the job in Sacramento? When did Michael move back to San Francisco? Where does he live? Does he have a girlfriend? A wife? Is her booty bigger than mine? And since he’s been back in San Francisco has he ever been compelled to get ahold of me? To find out how Etta’s doing? I haven’t had the guts to download the app again, but it doesn’t mean every time I look at my phone I don’t want to. Sheer willpower and pride have kept me from going down the ex-boyfriend rabbit hole.
TY
S.O.S. Daniel’s NOT going to be happy with me. I can’t make the date of our Fairchild visit date for Gracie. I haven’t told him yet. Can you help an absentminded doctor out of an ugly domestic situation and schedule us for another date? Please, I’m begging you. If you don’t my sister will kill me and then who will take care of Aunt Viv?
10:22 A.M.
Excellent, a distraction. I swipe over to text.
JOSIE
I will.
10:22 A.M.
TY
I know for a fact she would prefer the care of a golden doctor.
10:23 A.M.
JOSIE
That’s fair. Then what’s the favor worth to you?
10:24 A.M.
TY
I will insist on doing Etta’s Cornell alumni interview and I’ll bring you a HUGE bag of chocolate pretzels.
10:32 A.M.
JOSIE
How do you know I like chocolate pretzels? Another nugget of information Lola should have kept to herself?
10:33 A.M.
TY
No, I saw one crushed into your carpet when we had our parent interview.
10:34 A.M.
So Golden Boy couldn’t manage to notice my fabulous outfit, but he noticed food ground into my carpet. He’s a unique breed of gay, I have to say.
JOSIE
The way you wolfed down Aunt Viv’s coffee cake it’s a wonder you didn’t dive after that chocolate pretzel.
10:36 A.M.
TY
No kidding. You would think for tuition of 40K a year you could at least have a cheese plate at the interviews.
10:37 A.M.
JOSIE
No cheese plate and no go on changing the visit date. JK. Let me see what I can do.
10:38 A.M.
TY
Your good deed will not go unnoticed. I have some things to drop off for your aunt Viv. She around this evening?
10:40 A.M.
JOSIE
She’s going to the movies with her friend Louise. She has a crush on Morgan Freeman and he’s in some new medical thriller. But don’t tell her I told you, she wouldn’t want you to know she’s cheating on you with another doctor.
10:41 A.M.
TY
Lips sealed. Heart broken. You home then?
10:43 A.M.
JOSIE
Should be after 5:30.
10:44 A.M.
TY
Great. I’ll swing by for a house call.
10:44 A.M.
“Oh my G.O.D. Josie, the Liu twins are in the front office with their Chinese ayi for their school visit. They ARE NOT what I, you, we would expect from the ed consultant’s e-mails and from reading the twins’ applications.”
“What’s an ayi?”
“That’s Chinese for nanny. I had to look it up when the consultant e-mailed to tell me the twins would be arriving with their ayi and she wanted to know where their two drivers could park.” It’s not even worth my mental energy to ask why two drivers. “I’m pretty sure their parents are back in Shanghai and didn’t see how the twins walked out of the penthouse this morning. You have to take a look at these two before I take them on the tour you pawned off on me. Plus, I have to run and grab Cindi, the new Mandarin teacher, so she can tag along and interpret for me in case I talk too fast like I tend to when I’m, um . . .”
“Nervous?”
“Yeah that.”
“Why would you be nervous, you’re the MC who moves the crowd.”
“You’re right. I got this.” In front of my eyes Roan grows an inch.
“Now, brush your shoulders off and do this thing.”
Before I leave, I turn to Roan to clarify: “Wait, so I understand correctly, the Lius are not here to see the school? They just sent their children?”
“And the nanny—sorry, ayi—and the two drivers. And I’m going to go out on a limb and guess the ayi has very little power and sway over the twins.”
“Okay, meet you in the front office in two. I gotta check these kids out and then I’m passing the baton to you.”
I walk through the back door of the front office and spy two lumps slouched in the oversized leather wingback chairs, their phones two inches from their faces. The chairs sit directly beneath a sign that reads: NO CELL PHONE USE IN THE FRONT OFFICE, THANK YOU. Interesting, I remember on their international applications that it was marked “proficient in English.” With the intensity they are texting, I can understand the consultant’s claim that they are “focused.” I think what they are truly proficient in is surly teen.