JOSIE
What are you wearing for your interview?
8:32 A.M.
Nope. Can’t send that. It’s just begging for a snotty response from a teenage daughter.
DE-LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-TE.
Hope you slept well can’t wait to hear about interview when I get home. Where is it again?
ETTA
Guy just texted moved it to 3 @ peets coffee in laurel village I could have slept in.
8:33 A.M.
JOSIE
K. I’ll check in later. Love you. Go back to sleep.
8:33 A.M.
Perfect! I’ll be done by three o’clock and I promised to swing by the grocery store for Aunt Viv, so I’ll go to Cal-Mart and casually walk by Peet’s and see if I can spot Etta. I know she’s upheld her end of the college application bargain, but still I find myself worrying about her interview. One minute it’s about her grooming, the next it’s her test scores. Should she share her SATs since they’re so good? A quick spy will calm my nerves. Nothing creepy or overbearing, of course. I won’t introduce myself to Mr. Duke or share a few key facts about my intelligent daughter. I’m not that parent.
FROM: Yu Yan (Helen) Wu
DATE: February 16, 2019
SUBJECT: Liu Twins
TO: Josephine Bordelon
Dear Josephine,
I hope this e-mail finds you well. Mr. Liu has been waiting patiently to hear from Fairchild, per the twins’ attendance. As you can imagine he is a very busy man and he would like to settle the acceptance and tuition payment for Mei and Bai as soon as possible. In your reply Mr. Liu would like to better understand why the tuition is so high as the school does not make a profit. He also asked me to share with you that he has had his assistant do research on the neighborhood where Fairchild is located, and it has come to his attention that the house next to the school is for sale. Mr. Liu is willing to buy the house for cash and lease it to Fairchild for market price, so the school can have more space for programming. The Liu’s ayi told him that the school is “compact” and is in need of more buildings.
Additionally, Mr. Liu would like to know exactly how many sports and extra school activities per week Mei and Bai need to do when the family moves to San Francisco, so they will be appropriately groomed for Harvard acceptance. And if you could advise exactly what sports and what activities would be best that would greatly assist Mr. Liu.
A check for $73,000 is in the mail to cover tuition as well as a small gift to Fairchild for expediting the application and acceptance process. Please e-mail me when you receive the check, so I may officially inform Mr. Liu that the children are enrolled in school. Lastly, after you have spoken to the head of school please share with me if you would like Mr. Liu to buy the adjacent property and draw up a lease for Fairchild and the Liu Corporation to sign.
Thank you,
Yu Yan (Helen) Wu
EDUCATION CONSULTANT
ADMIT INTERNATIONAL, HONG KONG
Ugh, this is neither last-minute nor urgent, it’s just annoying. Did Helen and the Lius not read the detailed instructions on how to apply to Fairchild as an international applicant? All acceptances, U.S. or foreign, are given on the same day and that day is not today. Plus, she wasn’t joking with the small gift comment. Tuition is $36,400. The $200 Liu gift is not going to buy them any influence.
Today is dedicated to buying local—not imports. In ten minutes six of the most well-bribed rising kindergarteners in the Bay Area will be ushered by their parents across the Fairchild threshold for the finals of the private school admissions Olympics—the visit date with strangers. But, before I tear myself away from e-mail I indulge in a little wishful shade and peck out a reply to Helen.
FROM: Josephine Bordelon
DATE: February 16, 2019
SUBJECT: RE: Liu Twins
TO: Yu Yan (Helen) Wu
Dear Helen,
If I had a dollar for every time a parent wanted to buy us a mansion in exchange for admitting their kid to Fairchild I could damn near pay for my three plane tickets to New York City. But wait, I just reread your e-mail and Mr. Liu does not want to buy us a mansion he wants to buy himself yet another mansion and rent it back to us at ridiculous San Francisco market prices because one of his childrens’ several nannies didn’t like the looks of our campus. Please tell Mr. Liu to save his money; his children will need it to continue their personal passion to build the world’s largest teen Louis Vuitton collection.
All my best,
Josie Bordelon
DIRECTOR OF ADMISSIONS
FAIRCHILD COUNTRY DAY SCHOOL
With my finger hovering over the keyboard I consider that this is one rant I really should send. I could send it in the vein of wanting to help the Lius become culturally competent in the ways of the American private school system. Or at least give a boost to Helen’s education consulting business—you know, educator-to-educator, woman-to-woman. I’ve got to tell her this is not the way to go about getting your clients into top American schools and increasing your personal placement batting average.
“Are you a richist?” Roan has snuck up on me and helped himself to an eyeful.
“What’s that?” I ask Roan after he finishes reading my e-mail. I want his opinion if I should send it, even though I know the answer.
“You know, it’s like a racist, but you hate rich people.”
I spray my coffee all over my keyboard. “How can I hate rich people, Roan? My body, mind and, soul revolve around fulfilling their greatest parenting fantasies.”
“Well, the dads’ maybe.”
“And a few butch moms.” Both of us crumble into exhausted laughter. We have been working six days a week since winter break and it’s starting to wear on our base-level humanity.
“Okay, got it. Message received.”
DE-LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-TE.
Roan offers me his elbow. “Alrighty then, shall we go meet the six little wonders of the world and their momsters and fathers who are eagerly awaiting our arrival?” Moms always get a bad rap.
As we head into Fairchild’s grand foyer to greet today’s group of nervous parents and their offspring, it’s nice that the first faces I see are Daniel’s and Ty’s. Holding hands between them, Gracie is a budding hipster in her skinny jeans, red Converse high tops, plaid shirt, and mini horn-rimmed glasses. Her helmet of brown curls clearly hasn’t been touched in days. “Hi, my name’s Gracie and my daddy says if I do everything you say and shake your hand nice he will buy me a pair of Uggs.” I look up at Daniel who is rigid in disbelief that he’s been outed in the first minute of the audition. I can tell Gracie and I are going to get along just fine. I like an honest woman. I reach out to shake her extended hand.