“She doesn’t tell me anything I don’t ask.”
“And you don’t ask about me?” Ian sounded hurt and Noah, goddammit, he didn’t want to see him hurting.
“Much. I don’t ask about you much. Nothing specific. I mostly like to know if you’re okay.” Noah washed the admission down with another swallow of beer. If he wasn’t careful, he would end up shit faced. He didn’t drink often, and when he did, he took it a lot slower than he was tonight. But tonight he felt like he needed it, like the night would swallow him whole without something to keep him afloat.
But there wasn’t enough alcohol to numb him from the effect Ian’s presence had on him. His body thrummed and ached, feeling every bit of distance between them. His stupid cock thought Ian looked good, and it didn’t care about the emotional ramifications of serving his heart up on a platter again. It only knew that at one time, Ian’s hand on his cock had felt like a dream come true. That being buried in Ian’s ass was the tightest, hottest, most magical place, and when he came on Ian’s skin, it marked him in ways no one could see. In ways Noah hadn’t understood then. Ways that could destroy him all over again.
No matter how much he wanted to bridge the gap between them and scrape his nails across Ian’s flesh, to taste the salt of his sweat and feel the puff of air on his skin as he leaned in to capture Ian’s mouth, his needs would cross several lines Noah wasn’t sure he was prepared for.
He didn’t even know if there was a friendship there anymore. He used to know Ian. Sitting next to him, knowing twenty years had passed made him anxious. He knew next to nothing about what Ian had been through during that time. They were as good as strangers. No matter what they’d once meant to each other.
“What are you going to do in Silver Springs? I can’t imagine there are many places around here in need of security or bodyguards.”
Ian laughed. “Thank fuck.” Ian leaned back in the chair and Noah couldn’t help but notice the way he looked in the late evening sun. It hung low in the sky, barely above the treetops, and it cast a beautiful glow which transported Noah back to a time when Ian had been his sun. The center of his universe.
Noah looked away.
“I’m going into business with Bridget. She had a great idea, but she needs someone to do the heavier lifting. I needed to get out of the city.”
Noah nodded. “I know how you feel. Even before Dad’s accident, I’d wanted to get out of the city. There’s so much noise. Too many people. Everything drowns in a city.”
“I missed seeing the stars.”
Noah’s hand tightened on the beer bottle, and he took a deep breath.
Ian seemed to realize what he’d said, because he suddenly downed the rest of his second beer, then stood up, gathering his empty off the porch. “I should get going. I have a couple of days to unpack, then I’ll be pretty busy with Bridget, getting the business up and running. But I’ll see you around, right?”
“Yeah. I suppose you will.”
Noah took the empties from him and took them inside. He set them on the counter, and turned around to find Ian was right there. So close their chests almost touched. He could see the emotional storm in Ian’s eyes.
“Noah… I want…”
Noah feared what Ian might want. He feared he might want it, too. “What do you want?” He wasn’t sure if he kept his voice steady or not, he couldn’t hear anything over the rush of blood in his ears and the sound of twenty years crashing down on him.
“I want us to be friends.”
“Friends.” Noah tried not to sound heartbroken. He wasn’t sure what he was. The world had spun on its head, and he reeled from the force. “Yeah. Sure.” Noah smiled and it felt genuine. He wanted that.
The embrace he found himself in wasn’t unwelcome, but it was a surprise. Ian’s strong arms wrapped around Noah, and their bodies pressed together. Noah wrapped his arms around Ian and clung to him the way he pictured he would if he ever got the chance to see him again.
He smelled like summer. Like skin baked too long in the sun. And peaches, Noah noted. He didn’t want to let go, but he pulled away from Ian, away from the hug that felt like coming home.
Noah walked him to the door, and Ian stood on the step for a minute. He watched Ian rub the back of his neck with his hand, shy in a way he’d never been before.
“I’d like to have breakfast with you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, okay.”
“The food at the cafe still good?”
“Yeah. What time?”
“Seven okay?”
“Make it seven-thirty and you have a deal.”
“Okay, great. See you ‘round, Noah.”
Noah watched him go. He walked down the street and cut through a nearby alley. Once he was out of sight, Noah shut the door and leaned his forehead against the cool wood. He felt as though he were coming apart at the seams. Having Ian back in his life was a strange dream come true. Even now, with the scent of Ian lingering and the memory of their bodies pressed together, it seemed unreal. Like he’d gotten sun stroke at the festival and his brain was playing a trick on him. He’d wake up and find out he’d hallucinated the whole thing.
Ian hadn’t been there, sitting on his patio, drinking his beer. He hadn’t flunked out of basic and been a security guard. Four years in Silver Springs had done a number on Noah’s subconscious and this was the manifestation of a delusional man, yearning for something he’d lost years ago.
Noah turned away from the door, still not feeling quite like himself. Ian had been there and had rearranged everything inside of Noah. In the span of a few minutes, Noah felt like a different person. He’d long ago passed the point in his life where he’d lived without Ian’s presence in his life longer than he’d enjoyed it.
When he first cut Ian out of his life, he’d never expected to survive it. It had been a dramatic thought, but he learned over time it was exactly that. Hysterical drama brought about by loss. His life hadn’t been a desert wasteland. It had differed from the one he’d pictured as a teenager, but it had been a good life. The only thing that truly suffered from Ian’s absence had been his heart, but it had found other people to love, other passions to pursue.
But there had always been a sliver of his heart that still belonged to Ian. And he’d always loved him. Through time and distance, even when he realized Ian would have changed as Noah had. And this knowledge had him both happy Ian was here and terrified of the reality.
Ian was home, and he wanted to be friends and it felt like too much.
And not enough.
Chapter Eleven
“So the boyfriend’s back.” Daniel leaned against Noah’s counter. It was a quarter past seven and Noah had to get going or he would be late for breakfast with Ian, but Daniel had shown up unannounced.
“He’s not my boyfriend,” Noah had a long day at the office ahead, so he double checked that he had all his memory cards and his computer in his bag. “He’s my ex-boyfriend. Hell, we were together so long ago I wonder if it even counts.”
“It’s not the same as a juvenile record, Noah. You can’t expunge your exes.”