“I’m not broody.”
“You’ve been very productive today.”
“I’m always productive.”
“Even more so when you’re broody. I swear, you turn into a workaholic. Didn’t your dad kick you out of his place yesterday because you were doing too much? Then you ended up roping Jason and I into helping Ian. Now, this morning you’ve shut yourself in your office and you’ve done the work of a day and a half in a single morning.”
Noah sighed. “Sometimes I hate how well you know me.”
“Spill.” The spoon clinked against the side of Daniel’s cup as he stirred in his two sugars.
“He came home with me. We had a great time at dinner. We talked, we laughed.”
“You had sex.”
“Among other things.”
“Was it not as good as you remember it?”
Noah rubbed his sternum, then took a drink of his coffee. Last night felt too personal to share over lunch. He also didn’t want to talk too much about what Ian had shared with him. What they’d shared had been special, and Ian had trusted him with things Noah thought he might not usually trust people with.
“There’s a lot I’m still trying to wrap my head around.”
“All I know is that you spent twenty years missing this guy. If you want to make it work, you will. Now, what are we going to do for Jason’s birthday?”
“Shit, right, that’s next month, isn’t it?”
“I think he misses the scene.”
“We could have a party for him at my house. Full gear. Invite a few of the kinky locals.”
“He’ll total expect it.”
“Which is why it’s perfect. Jason hates surprises.”
They spent the rest of their lunch planning Jason’s birthday, and Noah returned to work in a better mood. It felt good to get his mind off Ian for a while. There was no point in being trapped in the never-ending circle of what might have been, but as the afternoon wore on, his good mood wore off.
All the things he’d learned last night weighed heavily on him. He didn’t want sex and kink to be the make or break of their relationship, not when there was so much more to him and Ian than sex positions and BDSM. There was mutual respect. A history that went back decades. There was the way he felt when Ian’s arms wrapped around him that morning. He didn’t want to live without the peace it brought him.
He stopped by the grocery store on the way home and grabbed some things for a quick meal. Truth be told, his emotional upheaval was catching up with him in the form of physical exhaustion. That, and he’d spent the past few weeks burying himself in physical labor while he tried to escape the demons.
When Ian arrived at six, he looked dead on his feet. Noah led him into the kitchen.
“Long day?”
Ian groaned. “The longest, but we got a lot done.”
“I made pork fried rice.” Noah served up a couple plates. “You want something to drink?”
“You still keep grape juice around?”
Noah smiled. “Never did grow out of the stuff.” He retrieved two glasses from the cupboard, because why the fuck not, and filled them before sitting down to dinner.
Being in Ian’s presence made him believe everything would work out fine. It was those moments when Ian wasn’t around that doubt plagued him. He didn’t want to admit it to Ian, though. Everything between them still felt fragile. Their love felt like fire. Sometimes it was wild and consumed everything in its path, and other times, it was the smallest flame that needed to be nurtured.
Noah was already in too deep. He had so much of himself invested in this man, and he couldn’t picture a life without him. But could he have a life with him? There were a million reasons why this might not work out between them. He couldn’t change the past, but he couldn’t ignore it either. It had shaped them both into the men they were today and now, after distance and heartache, they might be too different to make it last.
There was only one way to find out. After dinner, Noah cleared the plates away, then approached Ian, who still sat at the table. He cupped Ian’s chin with his hand and tilted his head up.
“Would you like to kneel for me, Ian?”
“Tonight?” Doubt flickered in Ian’s eyes, but that was to be expected. He was nervous, as anyone would be.
“Tonight. Right now.”
Ian swallowed, but he held Noah’s gaze. “Tell me how this works.”
Noah leaned down and kissed him gently. He closed his eyes and bled himself into the moment until nothing else existed but the brush of Ian’s lips against his. His calm exterior hid his trembling uncertainty as he straightened himself, towering over Ian. “First, get to the bedroom and take your clothes off.”
Ian smiled at him and did as he was told.
Chapter Eighteen
For Noah, being a dom wasn’t like flipping a switch or wearing a mask, but more akin to peeling back a layer of himself. He didn’t suddenly change into a different person, if anything, he felt more himself. More at peace. Maybe it was because the stress of everyday life got cast aside for a while. Normally, Noah had to be many things at once. An editor, a photographer, a son, a business owner, a handyman, a cook, the list never ended.
But then there were the times he had a submissive to look after, and the rest of the world didn’t matter. He was free from all of it. Submission was a gift, but not only because it meant someone trusted him. It was a gift because it got his mind off the world and anything else that wasn’t the person at his feet.
Noah took his time walking down the hallway to his bedroom. He peeled his shirt off on the way and entered his room in just his jeans. His bare feet sank into the plush carpet and he approached Ian, who knelt nervously. He watched the way Ian’s fingers twitched at his sides, and the way his half-hard cock gave away his excitement.
“How does this work?” Ian asked from his place on the floor.
“I won’t do anything to you tonight that I’m not one thousand percent certain you’ll like, but in case, say the word and we stop. This isn’t something I can’t live without.” Noah wondered quietly if that was a lie, but he shoved the thought aside and ran his fingers through Ian’s hair. “There are a million ways to submit. A million ways to dominate. The point isn’t to get anything right, it’s having fun. It’s enjoying each other and ourselves.”
“I can live with that.” Ian grinned salaciously.
Noah took a breath and settled himself. “Stand and close your eyes.”
Ian’s raised eyebrow and his half-smile told Noah he might think Noah was insane, that this was stupid or silly. But he schooled the expression and rose to his feet. He gave Noah one last heated look, then shut his eyes.
“Good boy.”
Ian bit back a laugh, then exhaled a deep, shaky breath.
Noah raised his hands and pressed them to Ian’s bare chest. He ran his fingertips along Ian’s clavicle, then over the tops of his shoulders and down his arms. Ian still stood with his muscles pulled tight, but Noah needed him to relax.
Noah moved toward Ian. He slid one arm around Ian’s waist and pulled him close. His free hand urged Ian to rest his head on Noah’s shoulder.