“How do I shut it off?” His brows’ raising forced me to add, “The constant fear I’m not meant to be happy… that I don’t deserve Alivia.”
“I can tell you to stop thinking that way until I’m blue in the face. So instead I’ll tell you to concentrate on the hard fact that your daughter deserves you.”
I studied him for a few minutes before saying, “I think Camilla has feelings for me.” His face lit up, prompting me to shake my head and add, “No, it’s not a good thing.”
“You don’t feel the same?”
“I can’t feel the same.”
“Why the hell not?”
“Are you listening to me? Somehow I’ll fuck it up. And then I’ll lose my daughter. Old habits die hard, and my urge to run is back with a vengeance, but I won’t walk away from Alivia. So, where does that leave us when it ends?”
“Trey.” My name suddenly became an unmistakable condemnation. “I thought you worked on breaking that pattern.”
“I thought I had too… but I wasn’t challenged until now.” And that was the truth. Until Camilla had come along, my therapy sessions had revolved around opening up to my friends and being transparent with my feelings.
Dr. Rutherford and I hadn’t touched on any other kind of emotional relationships that could come along, and obviously I wasn’t ready to crack the lid on this can of worms.
Being down at the beach for so many days meant I had my weekly session with Dr. Rutherford over the phone. Even with all my progress, skipping wasn’t an option. Yes, I’d gone from two therapy sessions a week to one, but I still had a long way to go. Such was proven once I began explaining to him what had happened since we’d arrived.
He listened quietly on his end, never interrupting. Knowing him as well as I did, I assumed he was scribbling everything I said down on paper to pick apart and analyze once I was through.
Admitting that I wasn’t sure if Camilla having feelings for me was what caused the angst I felt in my core, or whether it was the fact she didn’t trust me, caused his first interruption. I knew better than to simplify my emotions by using the word angst.
In his typical manner, he chipped away at the wall I subconsciously erected until I admitted the angst came from both scenarios making me want to flee.
Dr. Rutherford refused to sugarcoat my issues and came right out and said I needed to face them head-on. If Camilla was falling for me, then I needed to address it. She and Alivia were a package deal. That meant I couldn’t pull my usual disappearing act when a woman got too close. Of course, that behavior was prior to marrying Tara… and even she had been subjected to my constant need to push her away before I finally gave in.
Once I opened my heart to her, I’d truly believed we would be together forever. I had the right to that ideology after having lost so tragically at the age of eighteen. I’d paid my dues and stupidly thought finding Tara was the universe finally acknowledging that.
What an idiot I was. Losing my wife was the hardest thing I’d ever gone through. During my recovery, I’d vowed to never put myself in that position again, but I somehow had managed to make it through. If something were to happen to Alivia, I knew for sure it would be even worse… and I wouldn’t survive it.
Regarding the part where Camilla didn’t trust me, that also needed to be addressed—and fast. It wasn’t fair to continue with that shadow hanging over our heads.
I felt like all the progress I’d made over the last two years now teetered on the head of a pin. I admitted as much to Dr. Rutherford. The last thing he said to me before ending our session was, “Trey, you need to consider your therapy as a journey. Every stop along the way isn’t necessarily a setback and serves to get you that much closer to your destination.”
Well, what if my assigned destination was a form of hell on earth?
Despite being on shaky ground with Camilla, Alivia and I had formed a solid connection. I looked down at her sleeping soundly beside me. It was later than I had originally promised Camilla. Alivia was having so much fun, I hated pulling her away from it.
Once we had dinner, with Leila’s help I got her ready for bed and left, knowing she would most likely conk out in the car.
Two hours later, Alec pulled in front of Camilla’s apartment and quietly said, “I’ll grab her bag for you.”
“Thanks, man. I’ll text you when I’m ready.”
“Take your time.”
When I gingerly unbuckled her seat belt and lifted her out of the seat, she drew her little arms around my neck and rested her head on my shoulder. And in the process stole even more of my heart.
She never stirred as I carried her to the side door. Camilla appeared ten seconds after I rang her bell and took Alivia’s suitcase from Alec. After a quick nod toward him, I wordlessly followed Camilla up the stairs and straight into Alivia’s room.
She peeled one corner of the comforter away as I laid our daughter on the bed. I could feel Camilla’s eyes on me when I bent and kissed her forehead. Once she shut the door to her room, Camilla spoke first. “It’s very late.”
“As I texted you several times, it made more sense to drive back after we had dinner.”
“I know,” she said defensively. “I’m just saying she’s never out this late. I understand this was a special occasion, but I don’t want to start a new trend.”
Two minutes in and I was already frustrated. “I think we need to talk about this week.” She watched as I took a seat on her couch without invite. “Please sit down, Camilla.” Surprisingly, she did without arguing… although she chose the farthest chair in the room. “A lot has happened these past few days. I need to be transparent and help you understand where I’m at. But having said that, I need you to do the same.” As contradicting as it was, I had already decided I wouldn’t admit I’d overheard her conversation, not yet. But I was curious about how honest Camilla would be.
When she gave me a silent nod, I went first. “The time I spent with Alivia has been the most precious gift. I’m in this, Camilla. I’m not going anywhere. Every fiber of my being recognizes I’m her father, and it aches for her to know it. It’s time.”
“You’re right.” She smirked at my shocked expression. “When you’re ready, we’ll tell her together.”
Damn, I was ready right then and there. But I gave her a firm nod and responded, “This weekend at my place. You can let me know what night works, and I’ll have Alec pick you up.”
“Okay.” There was no fight, no argument… yet still I felt she was holding back.
“Once that happens, you need to accept I’m your partner in this, Camilla. That means you need to stop shutting me out.”
“Fair enough. I’ll admit I have been struggling with all this. You have to understand a few months ago I was convinced I needed to expunge you from her future. I was wrong. In my defense, I was still very emotional over the trauma I endured after my accident. But to flip a switch as quickly as I had from one belief to a new one results in confusion. You can’t blame me for that.”
“I don’t blame you as long as you communicate.”