I listened about his days in Los Angeles as an eighteen-year-old kid playing a grown-up on his own, running for his life, and hiding from his family. Trey took me through the years after joining Devil’s Lair—and his determination to avoid falling in love again.
His pathetic attempts had meant nothing when he met Tara. He finally found love again, only for him to come close to losing it. Even more horrifying than what Trey’s father did was what his uncle had. The man kidnapped Tara, beat and raped her, to gain revenge and force Trey to give back the evidence he’d stolen proving the brothers’ illegal activities. That vile man was caught, and Tara was saved. Trey finally felt he could be happy. They had married during a tacky ceremony in Vegas, their tattooed ring fingers serving as their wedding bands.
My chest pinched with sadness for him as he glanced down to her name on said finger before recounting what had happened that fateful day a deer crossed the road while they were on his motorcycle.
I felt awful for him when he further explained what he had gone through after her death, turmoil that had him spiraling uncontrollably until he’d hit rock bottom.
Having read articles about the biography his wife had written, I knew some of what he’d just admitted. The rest of what I knew came from articles that I couldn’t assume were true. Yet hearing every detail from his mouth caused that sympathetic ache I already held to swell and twist violently in the middle of my chest.
There was no emotion in the way he spoke or behind his bland expression until he said, “Since you appeared on my doorstep, I’ve been trying so hard not to fall into the familiar pattern whenever something good came into my life. But it’s been hard as fuck not to dwell on how long it’ll be before I fuck it up, or before the Universe reminds me I’m not deserving. And being in the position to have all the times I do fuck up aired for the public to see is just the cherry on top of my crap sundae.”
“I am so sorry you went through all that.” Tears that had threatened the entire time finally fell, and he robotically reached his free hand over to catch a few of them. “But Trey… you are deserving.”
“So, everyone keeps saying.” I hated seeing so much doubt in those pale-blue eyes. “It’s hard for me to believe it after all I’ve been through. After almost two years of therapy, my doctor barely nicked the surface of layer upon layer of self-sabotage. Maybe Leila’s right, and it’s time for me to bust through this tornado of negativity that keeps circling me.”
“You spoke to Leila?” I asked, failing to hide the surprise behind my words.
“Yeah. That little wacko is always yapping about the Law of Attraction or some romantic crap.” For the first time, the corners of his lips lifted into a half smile. “She went as far as giving me a book she swears by. It only took me an hour to read that thing from cover to cover. I closed it, called Alec, and here I am.”
Often referring to that book myself, I glanced at where it currently sat on the top of my desk. “So now what?” I asked hesitantly.
“I don’t know.” Again, he looked down at our hands. “Clearly I’m not good at this.”
When I placed my free hand over our entwined ones, he raised his gaze. “Neither am I, but knowing we’re in the same boat helps a bit, don’t you think?”
“It does.” When his eyes remained tethered to mine, that familiar quickening that I’d become used to pulsated in my chest. “I just ask that you cut me some slack when I stand in the boat and threaten to capsize us.”
“Well then, I’ll try to always have life jackets on hand.” He released a humorless chuckle. “And I ask that you’re always completely honest with me.”
“I’ll try. I won’t lie to you, but I’m so good at hiding my feelings it’s as natural as breathing.” With a small smile, he leaned forward and pecked my lips before tucking me under his arm. We fell silent, and my head spun with all I wanted to ask regarding what he had unexpectedly just admitted to.
What were those feelings that he developed?
Was he confusing his love for Alivia with his connection to me?
How would this work?
How could two people who lived in different worlds mesh without issues?
On and on the doubts popped up like tiny bubbles in a freshly poured glass of champagne. And one day I’d have to know more, but for now, I just wanted to revel in the fact that whatever our relationship would become down the road, this moment represented us walking through an opened gate hand in hand.
Chapter 26
Trey
“You’re very quiet,” I finally said, dying to know what was rumbling through her thoughts.
“I guess I’m in shock. I had no idea you were feeling this way.”
I huffed before asking, “Complete honesty, right?” Her nod prompted me to admit, “Until you walked out, neither did I.”
The same had happened with Tara. It took her walking away for me to realize I didn’t want her to. And I couldn’t compare my relationship with Tara to mine with Camilla. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them. But the common denominator in each situation was my need to hide behind the brick wall I’d erected. Of one thing I was sure, that wall had failed to protect me from heartbreak in the past. It may as well have been made of Styrofoam.
Camilla stared up at me while processing my confession but said nothing. “What?” I asked.
“I have a ton of questions, but that’s just me trying to find a way to also self-sabotage.”
“I get it.” I wasn’t much different.
“I do have one that I need to know the answer to.”
“Okay.”
“Are you confusing your feelings for Alivia with me?” When I went to respond, she placed her finger against my lips. “Let me rephrase. Two months ago, I literally threw you a curveball. Although you’ve amazed me in how you accepted our daughter into your life without any sign of doubt, you had no choice in the way that I kind of came along for the ride.”
“I have no idea what you’re getting at. A bit of insight…” Leaning in as if I were about to share a huge secret, I said, “I don’t speak ‘woman’ all that well.”
She laughed. “Okay, you know the movie Jerry Maguire?” Finding her adorable, I nodded while suppressing my grin. “Don’t laugh at me, but you know how Jerry instantly falls in love with Ray?” She waited for another nod. “Well, he kind of got swept up in that connection. And in addition, the eager way Dorothy gave everything up to help him had Jerry confusing gratitude with love.”
“Ah,” I said, completely understanding what she was getting at. “And then she realized he made a mistake and decided to let him off easy by leaving.”
“Right.”
“I’m not confusing my feelings for Alivia with you,” I easily admitted. “Want to know why?”
“Why?”
“Because for the longest time I resented you for keeping her from me. With time, that resentment lessened until it completely dissipated and turned into something else.”
“Something else?” she prompted.
“Other than resentment,” I stupidly responded. I knew what she was hinting at. I kept to myself that my therapist firmly believed love was a weightless emotion, like a helium balloon. It didn’t take much to suppress it. The slightest touch could keep it down, just as the lack of an obstacle allowed it to soar. Removing the obstacles—resentment, fear, stupidity, or even self-sabotage—made room for love to rise. I wasn’t sure yet if this thing I felt in my heart for Camilla was love, because it was so different than the other times I had loved. But now that I identified the presence of this emotion, I needed to keep it to myself until I figured it out.