Inwardly, I curse. I was planning on probably telling her tonight anyway, but now I don’t have much of a choice and nothing makes me want to not do something more than not having a choice in the matter.
Pulling up to my house, I shift the truck into park and look over at her. Tulip’s body is trembling and it feels like so much more than just what Wyatt and Rylan mentioned to her. Something else is going on, but I can’t ask her, she wants to know about me right now.
“Come on inside and I’ll get dinner started and we can talk.”
Slowly, her head turns and her watery eyes meet mine. Fuck, I want nothing more than to pull her into my arms and demand that she talk to me. Something is wrong with her, I can feel it down to my bones.
I don’t ask her anything though, not yet. Instead, I jump out of the truck and jog over to her side to help her down as well. She silently slips down and hand-in-hand we walk into the house. Inhaling a deep breath, I start to lead us into the kitchen, but she tugs on my hand.
“I need to know now, Louis. I feel like I’m in the dark and I don’t like that.”
Nodding, instead of guiding her into the kitchen, I take her into the living room. She releases my hand and chooses to sit down in a chair, instead of on the couch. I don’t blame her, I wouldn’t want to sit next to me either and after she finds out the truth, she will not change her mind.
Sinking down on the sofa, I place my forearms on my knees and lift my eyes to meet hers.
“I’m a killer.”
Her eyes widen and I expect a look of disgust to fill her features, but it doesn’t appear. Instead, she only tilts her head to the side and knits her brows together.
“I need more than that,” she whispers.
Shaking my head. “I just realized not very long ago that you didn’t know. I thought everyone knew, especially everyone here in Gallup.”
Clearing my throat, I lift one of my hands and rub my palm over my bald head. “My last fight. I punched him. It was hard, but no harder than normal. We were nearing the end and I wanted a tap out so fucking bad. I needed that victory. I was fucking hungry for it. I chanted in my head, kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Over and over. I always chant that to myself,” I ramble.
I expect Tulip to run away from me, but as she slowly stands, she doesn’t turn away. Instead she takes a couple of steps closer to me, then right in front of me she sinks down to her knees. Clenching my fists, I bring them to my side. I don’t deserve to touch her, not someone so fucking pure and innocent.
“Then what happened?”
“I did it. My chanting. It came true and I knocked him out, but as I was cheering in victory, something else happened. He fucking died. Right there, on live television in front of thousands of spectators. He fucking died. He left behind two goddamn kids, little ones and a wife. I did that, I made them fatherless, I made their mother a widow.”
Tulip reaches out and wraps her hands over my knees. She squeezes and forces my gaze to flick down to hers. I wait for her to say something, anything as the guilt fills me and threatens to escape my entire fucking body.
“You didn’t really kill him though, did you? I mean you delivered the punch, but it wasn’t your fault, was it?”
“No,” I croak as tears fill my eyes. “The doctors had warned him. He wasn’t even supposed to be fighting. He’d lied on all his documents, kept the diagnosis a secret, but it doesn’t matter, I still killed him.”
Tulip shakes her head a couple of times. “I could tell you, a million people could tell you that it wasn’t your fault, but you’ll never believe it. You have to truly accept for yourself that you were not at fault. Until then, the guilt will continue to eat you alive, Louis.”
“You don’t think I’m a monster?” I ask.
She smiles sadly, shaking her head. “Never,” she whispers. “Not ever.”
Then, she surprises the fucking shit out of me when she rises to her knees and leans forward, touching her mouth to my own.
“This is why you don’t want to go back into the ring?”
“Yeah,” I exhale.
She nods, nipping my bottom lip gently as she rises and sinks down against my thigh. Wrapping her arms around my shoulders, her tongue traces my lips in one slow sweep. “You’re going to be fantastic. You’ll go in there and dominate. You will be the Louis Kingston, then you can come home and just be my Louie,” she breathes against my mouth.
Growling, my hands grip her waist and I squeeze. “Damn fucking straight I’m your Louie.”
Without another word, I shift us so that she’s on her back and right there in the middle of my living room, I make love to Tulip slow and steady, until I can’t take it another second, then I fuck her until we’re both screaming in ecstasy.
Chapter Thirteen
TULIP
Dinner forgotten, we somehow made our way into Louis’ bedroom. Now, I’m lying against his sweat soaked chest, my fingers tracing patterns against is smooth skin.
Closing my eyes, I can’t help but replay in my mind the way that he looked so tortured when he told me about his fight, about the man that died. The guilt that he feels hasn’t faded since that day, I can tell by the way he looked absolutely sick about everything.
I meant it when I said that he was going to go into that ring and dominate, but I did lie a little in the second half of that sentence. He’s not going to come home and be my Louie. Not that I don’t want him to, I just don’t think that he will. I don’t believe that he’ll come home to me after this fight.
Honestly, I think that this is what I’m meant for in his life. I’m meant to help him through his pain, build him back up and then send him off to conquer the world. He’ll walk away from me and I’ll die inside, but he will be happy and healed, that is all that matters.
“I came back here to get my head on straight. I started drinking a lot back in Nevada. It was getting pretty fucking ugly and I was isolating myself. I’d seen Beaumont do it, and knew that I was following the pattern. I was depressed and felt so fucking guilty, still do feel guilty. I talked to a doctor, but nothing he was saying or prescribing was helping me.”
Lifting my head, I rest my chin on his chest and look up into his face. His eyes are pointed straight ahead instead of looking down at me. I don’t mind, I’m not sure that I can handle his gaze focused on me right now.
“Are you, dry now?” I ask.
He lets out a sigh. “I haven’t even wanted a drink. I’ve been focused on working out and you,” he murmurs, sliding his hand up the center of my back before he tangles his fingers in my hair.
My breath hitches when he dips his chin and his green eyes find mine. They’re sparkling, alive and I knew it would be too much, but I can’t look away as he focuses his gaze on mine.
“Me?” I breathe.
He jerks his chin in a nod. “Yeah, Tullie. You.”
Without another word, he shifts his body so that his lips are able to touch mine. His tongue slips inside of my mouth and I moan as he sweeps it through, tasting me. His fingers tighten in my hair and he tugs my head back slightly, breaking the kiss.
My breath hitches when I feel his lips travel the length of my neck, stopping on my collarbone to gently suck my skin there.