Happiness floods through me as I see he really means it. “Yes, I’m interested! I think it could be really fun. That’s if Aura and Arvid don’t mind?”
Cale starts unfolding turnout rugs for the horses and handing them to me. We don’t put them on the horses every night, but tonight it’s growing chilly.
“Are you kidding? They’re sick of me sticking knives through their skittles. They’ll be so happy to foist me onto you, if we can come up with something.”
I throw a rug over Jareth and do up the fastenings, needing to stand on tiptoe to make sure that it’s straight. “You a knife thrower and me horse vaulter, imagine the shame if we couldn’t come up with something.”
Cale notices me struggling to get the rug properly over his horse and reaches past me to help. His chest is pressed briefly against my back as Jareth switches his weight, and his arms are around me. Well, not around me, but surrounding me. Almost like a hug. I feel my legs start to shake and tears prickle in my eyes as a wave of intense emotion crashes over me.
I duck my head and let my hair fall in front of my face as Cale steps back. I reach for the next rug. When I take it from him, my hands are shaking.
Cale notices. “Ryah? Are you okay?”
He’s hugged me before and it didn’t make me feel like this. This wasn’t even a hug. It was just his body so close to mine that it was overwhelming. Like I was drowning. Am drowning.
I take the rug over to one of the horses and keep my face turned away from Cale. “Yes. Fine. I’m fine.”
I can feel his eyes on me, but I keep my head down and my back to him. A heavy hand lands on my shoulder, and then he turns me slowly to face him. I keep my eyes on the buttons of his shirt.
“Ryah,” he asks softly. “Are you afraid of me?”
I look up sharply. “What? No!”
There’s a worried expression in his eyes, and I realize he thinks I’m shaking in fear. I don’t know how to tell him that it’s because of something I don’t even understand. A great chasm of despair opens up inside of me. I hug my arms tight around myself as my heart races, wondering where these feelings are coming from. When was the last time anyone touched me that wasn’t to hit me up the side of the head or punch my face or shove me out of the way?
I stare at the ground, trying to remember.
Apart from holding onto Cale as we rode together and the hug he gave me the day he fetched Dandelion, I can’t remember. It’s been that long.
Tears leak from my eyes and slide down my face. Feelings that I’ve held at bay for so long are suddenly beating their coarse, leathery wings in my chest. I thought I could be happy here, but it seems like the more good things happen to me, the more I drown in all the unhappiness that came before.
Slowly, Cale draws me into his arms and holds me. My cheek is pressed against his chest and my eyes are wide open as he strokes my hair, like you would a skittish horse. I didn’t have to say anything, but he knows. No one’s protected me or been affectionate to me in years. The tears slip down my face even faster. I burrow into his horsey scent, just managing to hold back the sobs. We’re shielded from view of the others by the horses, and I’m so grateful. I don’t want anyone else to see me break down. Only Cale. It’s okay if it’s Cale. I squeeze my eyes shut, forcing everything from my mind except for the feel of his arms around me.
A few minutes later, he draws back a little, but keeps his hands on my shoulders. “Sometimes it hits you when you’re least expecting. It happens when you’re happy. Maybe even because you’re happy.”
I wonder how he knows that.
“Keep going, sparkle. I know you’ll make it.”
I give him as much of a smile as I’m able. “Thank you, Cale. I’m all right. Guess we should finish the horses.” I reach for another rug, but he stops me.
“I’ll finish up here. You go get some water and maybe sit by the fire for a bit.”
That’s probably a good idea. In fact, I feel so tired suddenly that I could probably fall asleep. “I think I might go to bed early.”
“I’ll walk you over to your wagon.”
I put a hand on his chest to stop him. “No, it’s okay. Thank you for understanding.”
We stay like that for a moment. I can feel his strength and the solid warmth of his chest beneath my fingers. His heart beating in slow, steady thumps. I don’t want to, but I let my hand fall, and I walk away.
Once inside my wagon, I’m relieved to find I’m alone and burrow beneath the blankets. What a crazy evening, from excitement and delight to soul-crushing despair. Maybe Cale won’t want to workshop an act if I behave like a liability. I’ll have to show him tomorrow that I’m serious, and I can do this.
I wake in the pre-dawn light, and the first place my mind goes is to the act. Well, to Cale. I think back to last night, and how it felt when his body was pressed against mine with his arms tight around me. The way his black shirt felt beneath my cheek. What if our act involved me holding onto him in some way?
I punch the pillow and turn over in bed, because now I’m being ridiculous. Cale will want me to keep a safe distance from him at all times if he’s even looking a knife.
By the time I get up, pull on a dress and head out across the dew-damp grass, the sun is up and I think I have a germ of an idea.
“Penny for your thoughts?” Gorran asks, holding out a tin mug of coffee to me as I approach the fire.
I look up at the big, tattooed man. Blue ink decorates his arms and neck, and his white T-shirt probably conceals even more tattoos. I accept the mug with a smile. “Trying to figure out an act.”
“You girls are amazing with your horses. You’ll figure it out.”
I’m too sunk in thought to tell him I’m actually thinking about Cale’s knives. I recognize a large pair of booted feet in my peripheral vision, and my eyes snap up.
Cale is standing next to me, a look of concentration on his face that must be mirrored in my own. Instead of saying good morning, we both start talking at once.
“What if we—”
“I was thinking we could—”
I stop, and grin at him. “You first.”
“No, you. Go on.”
I take a deep breath and launch into the idea I had. “Okay. So. I don’t think rubber balls would work. They’d just bounce all over the place and it’s not that impressive. What about a big wheel that rotates and it’s got numbers or pictures on it? It starts slow and I get audience members to draw numbers out of a bag and you hit those numbers on the wheel with your knives.”
Cale blinks and doesn’t reply.
“You don’t like it,” I say miserably.
“No, I think it’s great, actually. I had a messy idea with balloons and glitter. Your idea is much better. We could do it three times, and each time you spin the wheel faster.”
I bounce on my toes, suddenly elated. “So you think you could hit moving targets like that? Even if the wheel is spinning fast?”
He takes a sip of coffee, and his smile is self-satisfied. “Sparkle, it’ll be easy.”
There’s always a lot to do in the mornings so we can’t get started right away. Cale goes off to see to the horses. I eat some porridge with Elke and Anouk, and then we practice our routine. After, I do stretches to keep myself limber, and run Dandelion through some things I’ve been wanting to try. It’s our turn to sell tickets so just before lunch me, Elke and Anouk dress in bright clothing and walk up and down the main streets.