Liv, I may never be able to tie my shoes again.
Then I’ll tie them for you.
I can’t finish college if I can’t solve one damn math problem.
Then you’ll start your own business. I’ll help you.
I might not ever be able to drive again.
Then I’ll be your chauffeur.
What if I can’t, you know, perform anymore?
Then I’ll become a nun.
I laugh softly to myself. That problem certainly didn’t last long. The only thing that got either one of us through the second half of that year was physical intimacy. I was weak, but I always found the strength to be with Liv. In six months, we made up for the five years we’d waited to be together, but it wasn’t enough to save us. We still grew apart.
All she ever wanted to do was help me, but being around Liv was a constant reminder that, not only did she lose her brother because of me, she was sacrificing her entire future. And I couldn’t live with that. She was so consumed with taking care of me that she couldn’t see her life passing her by. But I could. So, after several more unsuccessful attempts to try to convince her to go, I finally told her that I didn’t love her anymore.
They were the hardest words I’ve ever said. The biggest lie I’ve ever told. But convincing her it was true meant she could have the life she always wanted. The life she deserved. It wasn’t long before she left for Raleigh, like I hoped she would. But not a day has passed that I haven’t thought of her...that I haven’t missed her.
I wanted to go see her so many times, and I almost did once. I came so close. But as fate would have it, that was also the day that I had my first seizure. I saw it as a sign to leave Liv alone and not interfere with her life. And I never gave in to those feelings again.
Still, I’ve thought about her too many times to count over the last seven years. I thought about her finishing college, I thought about her making new friends, I thought about her starting her career after graduation. I even thought about her getting married and having kids one day. Those were all the things I wanted for her. All the things she wanted.
I don’t know why she asked me to stay today, and I don’t know why I did. Guilt? Fear? Need? All of the above? For a minute, I forgot everything that happened—the accident, the year that followed. I just saw Liv. My Liv.
My heart didn’t stop pounding the entire time she was here. It’s still pounding away in my ears, and my stomach is twisted into knots. Making small talk with Liv might have been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. When we were together, it was like being with my best friend. There wasn’t anything we couldn’t say to each other. There wasn’t anything we didn’t say to each other. Until the end.
Liv was always so strong, maybe even more so after the accident. I was sure she’d be okay because she was so willful and tenacious and brave. She could have done anything she wanted to do. But the person sitting beside me today was fragile and nervous and...sad. Not the Liv I remember. I thought that maybe she’d be different for a little while after we broke up, but not this many years later.
I run my hands through my hair and my fingers follow the scar along the side of my head.
I did that to her. I made her that way.
I stand up and drop my hand on Brandon’s headstone. “I’m sorry I couldn’t take care of her, brother. But she’s better off without me.”
Chapter 7
Liv
I lace up my running shoes and sneak out of my parents’ house before sunrise. I woke up at three A.M. and couldn’t go back to sleep. Seeing Gabe at the cemetery yesterday really shook me. He’s changed so much more than I expected, reiterating the fact that life continued after I left, and that he got better, at least physically, without me.
Just like he wanted.
I get in my car and head to the beach. It tends to have its own healing properties.
When I pull into the parking lot, it’s empty besides an old Ford F-150 that’s rusted around the bottom. It looks like it used to be white. I’m guessing it belongs to a surfer. I recognize the salt corrosion. They’re usually the only ones out here this early.
It’s 6:30 and the sun is just starting to glow orange in the sky beyond the sand dunes. When I step out of my car I pause and breathe in the salty sea air. I close my eyes and listen to the rushing sound of the waves crashing in the distance. I brought my ear buds, but I don’t think I’m going to use them. I want the ocean to be my soundtrack this morning. I toss them back in my car and lock the door.
I jog across the parking lot, feeling like I’m bouncing across the pavement in my running shoes, until I reach the sandy path that leads to the beach. I know that once I’m past the soft sand between the dunes it will be much easier to run, but it’s giving...me...a workout. When I make it to the wide open beach, I’m happy to see that the tide is out and there’s plenty of packed sand to run on.
The sun is just above the horizon now, throwing its golden reflection on the surface of the ocean all the way up to the shoreline. The sky is amber against the dark blue line of the horizon, but the rest of the sky is electric blue, speckled with small, puffy gray clouds that glow white around the edges.
I inhale deep, cathartic breaths as I run, letting the ocean air resonate through me, healing me as I go. I feel better with every step. I think about my life in Raleigh—the years I spent just surviving, not moving forward. I may not know exactly what’s next, but I know that this is part of the plan.
I laugh with my next labored breath, feeling giddy at the thought. My plan, I think again, letting the idea straighten my spine and square my shoulders. I lift my chin and smile. Travis proposing might have been the best thing that could have happened to me. Who knows how much more time I would have wasted in Raleigh if he didn’t get down on one knee.
This, I think, looking out at the endless horizon, is where I belong. This is my peace, through the turmoil and the heartache and the painful memories. This place—this beautiful, oak-covered, sun-drenched island—is exactly where I’m supposed to be.
I jog a little further until my elated thoughts shift. I’m going to run into Gabe again, it’s inevitable. In fact, I’ll have to see him, if I’m ever going to get any closure. And I have a feeling it’s not going to be any easier than it was yesterday. But—I look around at my sanctuary—it seems like a fair tradeoff.
I run for another mile or two before I see anyone else on the beach. A couple of surfers are making their way into the water and there’s another jogger in the distance running toward me.
I have to get a job, I think, making a mental checklist entitled “My Plan.” Scratch that, I want a career. I want to do something I love that won’t chip away at my soul. I want to edit books. I want to stay up late working on manuscripts until my eyes are bleary and the words run together. I quickly tally the number of publishing houses on the Island and come up with...zero. In fact, I’m fairly certain the nearest one is in Atlanta.
I’ll freelance. I can do it from anywhere. But I’ll need to build a website for that. And a portfolio. I wipe the first beads of sweat from my forehead and take another quick tally, this time of my finances. I have enough in savings to get started, but I’m going to need that to live off of. Rent doesn’t come cheap on the Island, and apartment buildings are slim pickings, so I’ll probably have to look for a townhouse or a condo. I’d love to rent a beach house, but they’re far too expensive and honestly, much too big. They’re meant to accommodate vacationing families.