I’ve told them all that I’m ready for it. I’ve told Liv I’m ready a dozen times. But the truth is, I’m not ready. I’m terrified. I don’t know if I’ll be the same after. No one can know that, not even Dr. Franklin. And it’s eating me up inside to think I could wake up from surgery and not even know who Liv is. Or that I might not be able to tell her how much I love her. Or that I might not be able to see her beautiful face. Maybe none of those things will happen, but even if everything goes smoothly, how long will it be before I can hold her again? Before I can kiss her again? Before I can make love to her again?
I’m scared as hell to go through with it, but I am going to go through with it. I’m going to have the surgery because it’s the only chance I have to give Liv a normal life—one with kids that I can actually help take care of. There’s no way I could be left alone with a baby the way I am now. I can just imagine it. I’m holding the baby and I have a seizure and drop it, or God forbid, crush it under the weight of my body. But Liv wants kids one day and so do I. That’s the future we always planned together. The future I thought I lost seven years ago. But Liv’s given it back to me, and now the surgery will give it back to her. That is why I’m going to go through with it.
“As soon as I decide, you’ll be the first to know,” I say to my overly-concerned mother.
“Well, either way it’s just so wonderful!” She takes my face between her hands again and kisses my cheek.
“I was also trying to tell you, before you got so excited, that seeing as how I want to marry her and all, I’m appointing Liv as my medical power of attorney. So if anything does happen, she will be the one to make the final decisions.”
My mom’s face falls.
“Momma, if we were married already, she would be the one to do it, so...”
“No, Gabe, I’m not upset. I just don’t even want to think about that. You shouldn’t either.”
“She’s right,” my dad says. “You take care of the legalities, because it’s the responsible thing to do, but don’t you think for one second that any of that’s gonna come into play. You’re strong, son. Hell, you’re a hell of a lot stronger than me. And you’ve been through a lot worse than this. This is gonna be a walk in the park.”
I smile at my dad’s reassuring words. “I’m gonna kick this surgery’s ass.”
“Hell yeah you are!” My dad swings his arm around my neck and we both laugh. “Now, sit down and eat.”
Chapter 22
Liv
My eyes open to the soft sunlight that fills our little apartment through the covered windows. It’s early, but the songbirds that live in the trees on the property have been up for a while, chirping and singing in harmony.
I stare at the ceiling and watch the tiny dust motes floating gently through the air above me. Roxy circles the bed and lays her head on the mattress by my hand. She whines softly. She needs to go outside. “Okay,” I say, rubbing her soft head. I sit up and swing my legs over the side of the bed, but my body feels heavy. I don’t want to get up. I gaze at the alarm clock, which needlessly reminds me that today is August 15th, the anniversary of Brandon’s death.
How can one day hold so much weight? It’s just another date on the calendar...for most people. For me, it marks the beginning of the end of my innocence, in more ways than one. I gave myself to Gabe that night, ready to embark on the journey to adulthood. But I wasn’t prepared for the cruel heartbreak that life had in store for us. I learned how to survive, but the unsuspecting girl with hopes and dreams of a picture-perfect life was lost forever.
Roxy nudges my hand.
“Okay, Rox, come on,” I say, dragging my feet to the door. I let her out and open the shutters that cover the windows. The cloudless pink sky hints to a warm summer day to come. How can it be so beautiful out when I feel so sad? It feels out of balance.
I think of the rest of the world going about their day, unaware of my personal tragedy, and it makes me resent each and every one of them. I secretly hate the entire world for not feeling sad today. It doesn’t seem fair. It’s completely irrational and I know that there are probably tons of people who have their own reason for hating this day, or some other day on the calendar, but right now I feel like I’m the only one who feels like this.
I climb back into bed.
Not the only one.
I watch Gabe sleeping and touch his scruffy cheek.
Please keep him safe during his surgery tomorrow, I pray silently.
Gabe opens his eyes and gazes at me. “Hi.”
“Hi.” I hear the sadness in my voice and it makes me feel worse. I wonder if I will always feel like this on the anniversary of Brandon’s death. I don’t want to feel sad about it anymore, but I can’t help it, I just do.
Gabe reaches for my hand and holds it in both of his. I feel comforted by him, but sharing this day with him makes it more real. The wave pool of sadness that’s sloshing around inside me makes its way up to my eyes. Gabe wipes a tear from my cheek and pulls me into his arms. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to. I know he’s thinking about Brandon too. He holds me and I cry quietly in his arms for a long time, until we both fall back asleep.
I wake to Roxy barking outside. Gabe gets up and lets her in, and by the looks of it, it’s the middle of the day now. I glance at the alarm clock.
11:30am.
Gabe climbs back into bed and pulls me into his arms again. I think he needs me today just as much as I need him.
“I love you, Gabe.”
“I love you too.”
“I hate this day.”
“I know, me too.”
“I still miss him...so much.”
“I do too, Liv.” His voice cracks.
I look up at him and my heart aches in a whole new way. I no longer focus on the pain I feel. Gabe lost a brother that day too and it kills me to see how much he’s hurting right now. I put my hand on his cheek. “I don’t want to feel this way anymore.” I pull his face to mine and kiss his soft lips. “Make me forget. Let’s both forget.”
He closes his eyes and kisses me firmly, and covers my body with his. He drops his head to my chest and inhales a deep breath, like I’m some sort of drug that will numb his pain. He wraps his hand behind my neck and pulls me up onto my knees so that we’re kneeling in the middle of the bed. He holds my face and gazes at me with piercing eyes. His jaw is clenched tight with emotion and his cheeks are flushed under the scruff that covers them.
He’s heartbreakingly beautiful.
The muscles in his jaw tighten as he closes his eyes and kisses me again. His tongue moves over mine, soothing my grieving heart, and tears fall from the corners of my eyes when he speaks against my lips. “Je ne sais pas ce que je ferais sans toi.” I don’t know what I would do without you.
I wrap my arms around his back and pull him close to me. He pulls my shirt up and I lift my arms so that he can slip it off. He tosses it on the floor and I see Roxy go lay down in the kitchen. He lowers his head to my chest, breathing me in again as he lays me back against the pillows. He gazes down at me and I gaze up at him—this beautiful man I’ve loved since I was sixteen—and I say another silent prayer to keep him safe during the surgery tomorrow. “I love you, Gabriel.”