The house is still standing. Bits of the roof are missing and a neighbor is putting a tarp over the holes. But the garage and my apartment are gone. Not blown away to lands unknown, but the roof’s gone, completely lifted off. The garage doors have blown out; a giant ficus tree is laying half on the driveway and half across the garage. The stairs to my apartment are gone. The only way up is through the interior of the garage, leading into the laundry room where the blue walls are intact but no ceiling, which means the only thing I have left is what I have on me. One outfit, my laptop, and the hematite stones Brinn and I bought in Cassadaga. I stand next to my car, leaning against the driver’s side door, and remove my phone from my pocket to call Mrs. Cramer in Miami, where she fled in hopes of avoiding the hurricane. I look away from the house, down at my lap, and trace a pattern on my jeans. “Oh, Josie,” she says when she answers.
“I’m so sorry,” I say and try to control my tears.
“Oh, sweetheart. I’m the one who’s sorry. You lost everything.” Truer words were never spoken though what I lost in the apartment is nothing compared to what I just lost down the street.
“Is there anything I can do? How can I help with this clean up?” I ask as a tear lands on my thigh. I brush the few on my cheek away before I force in a deep, resolve steeling breath.
“No, dear. The city said the stairs in the garage are sound and the building is structurally safe, so you go on and take whatever you need. Stay in my house if you want, if you need someplace. I’m trying to find a construction crew to start clean up and rebuilding, but as you can imagine...I’ve lots of competition.”
“OK. Thank you for the offer but I’ll just... I have somewhere to go. Don’t worry.” My voice is weak, stretching thin with the tension of trying not to cry. I suck in another breath and the constriction of my chest makes the inhalation hurt. So much for my determination not to be weak.
We exchange a few other condolences before hanging up and I’m left quivering from the emotions of it all.
What do I do now?
I have two weeks before my cruise line job starts. It’s unlikely I’ll be invited back into Will’s life considering I could be part of the cause of his recent episode. Brinn is done with me. Nothing else tethers me here except Jayne. Looks like a clear sign from the universe that I should move my shit along. Clearly, I’ve overstayed my welcome.
I do a quick walk through of the apartment just to make sure nothing else can be salvaged. The green chenille blanket, the one that reminds me of Brinn’s eyes, is still in the dryer. Which, funny enough, sits right where it should be in the laundry room. The washer is who knows where.
Reaching in, I pause before taking it out. Perhaps this is the one time mementos aren’t recommended. The memories will be hard enough to live with. The last thing I need is to fall apart and cry into a blanket over some rocks and a guy with green eyes. Speaking of the rocks... I dig them from my bag and after I collect a few shirts and a skirt that managed to weather the storm, I stand on the bank of Mrs. Cramer’s backyard and stare out at the river. I chuck all the hematite stones at once, hoping to send my heartbreak with them. But all I’m left with is the continual burning ache in my chest and more room in my purse.
Without looking back, I drive away in my rental car. All that’s left is saying goodbye to Jayne.
The Fox is open, as are a few of the other places that survived the hurricane. Many are not providing their usual service but instead a hot meal, cold drinks, and a place to forget. Temporarily.
I find Jayne in the storage room.
“There you are.” She tosses her hands in the air, dropping the broom she was holding. It clangs on the floor and causes me to jump. “I’ve been trying to reach you for a day. Are you OK?” She comes toward me. “Josie?” She stops in front of me and snaps inches from my nose.
“I came by to say good-bye. I’m leaving. It’s time for me to move on.” I shrug one shoulder.
“What? Why? You can’t mean to tell me you’re still going to take that stupid cruise job. I thought for sure you’d see now everything you have here.”
I shake my head. “I have nothing.”
“Rubbish. You have everything: friends, your brother, Brinn, and job opportunities. Whatever might have been damaged by the hurricane can be repaired.”
“I’ve lost it all,” I say, crying. “Not that I deserved any of it.” I fall into her arms and let go of all the tears I’ve been holding back.
“Why ever would you say that? You do deserve it all.” She folds me in her arms and rubs my back.
I give her a derisive snort. “I’ve been given so much. Your friendship, a new connection with my brother, this thing with Brinn, and I pissed it away. Like law school. Like everything. I played it all fast and loose with no thoughts to the aftermath. Why would life ever reward me for that?” I push away, feeling caged in.
“Oh, love.”
“I had everything. Even here I had everything, and I took it for granted. He’s never had a single thing and now he’s lost it all. No wonder he can’t even look at me. I’d hate me, too.” I cover my mouth with my hand, appalled.
Jayne’s eyes widen as she pieces my words together and dip with sympathy when she comes to a correct conclusion.
“I’d hate me, too,” I whisper, hoping the truth will harden me.
“He doesn’t hate you. Maybe he just needs a few days,” Jayne says.
“I don’t deserve him,” I whisper. “He’s right. I brought chaos to his life, but I swear I thought I was just helping him live a little. I never meant to.... I just wanted to be a fond memory.”
“I know this will be hard to hear, and I don’t want you to answer me. Only that you know the answer yourself.” She lowers her voice before she continues, “Are you upset because it’s over between you and Brinn, or because he left you instead of you leaving him?”
I jerk my gaze to hers but she puts up her hand to stop me from saying anything.
“My biological dad left me and my mum when I was just a child. Went off and started a new family. Like we weren’t good enough or something.” She gestures between us. “I recognize a kindred spirit when I see one. You can keep running and wondering why you have no one in your life or you can try something different.”
Her words leave me weak in the knees, scared. There are so many hurdles ahead of me.
Jayne sighs deeply. “So what are you going to do about it?”
I shrug and rub the space between my breasts, wrapping one arm around my waist. “I don’t know. I’ve no idea how to start over here. I’ve always moved on.”
“You still have a job at the Fox. You can start with that. Or you can take the job with Samantha. You know you’re interested. You talk to her about it every time she comes into the bar.”
“But then I could’ve just stayed home and been a lawyer. I could just go do that now.” I drop my head, feeling that epic fail that Brinn mentioned.
“Yes, you could. But you weren’t happy with that so you left and went after what you wanted.” She wraps her arm around my shoulder.
“I might love him,” I whisper.
“Is that so terrible?”