“It’s okay. Not your fault.” I pick up my key and then help her pick up the papers she dropped.
“I have to make up for the work I missed the first two weeks of classes. That was the only way I could still get in,” she explains.
“That’s a lot of work.”
“Yeah,” she says with a shrug. “But I kind of like it. I love doing schoolwork.” She beams like she is being completely serious. “I was kind of worried about you when you didn’t show up last night. I moved in yesterday.”
“I’m actually staying with a friend. Matter of fact, I was just coming up here to get some clothes. I’m going to stay with him another night,” I explain, and watch Blair’s face fall. She must have been looking forward to having a roommate, and I smashed that to smithereens. Guilt gives way, and I decide I have to make it up to her. “Maybe we can meet for coffee in the morning? My first class doesn’t start until ten tomorrow, if you’re up for it, we could grab some breakfast before?”
“That sounds amazing!” she yells and does a small jump like this is the most exciting thing she’s ever heard.
She watches me as I grab my duffle bag from under the bed and start to throw some clothes in there.
“One night, huh?” She smiles. Only then do I realize how much stuff I’m packing.
“Maybe more than one night, but we’ll hang out, I promise.” I don’t know why I have the urge to assure her, or why I even have the need to befriend her, but I do. Maybe it’s my own desire to have friends since I’ve never really had any.
“Not to be nosy, but is he your boyfriend or…” She looks away as if she’s embarrassed for even asking.
“No, no. Just… I wouldn’t even say we’re friends, and it’s a temporary thing, nothing serious.” I grab a hairbrush and some bathroom stuff. Then I zip the duffel bag and turn to look over at her. “I’ll meet you here at nine, okay?”
Blair nods her head profusely, a smile covering her entire face. “I’ll see you then!”
I feel horrible as I leave the dorm, descending the steps slowly. The first time I get a roommate, and I’m stuck being babysat by Lex.
When I push through the doors downstairs, I check the time on my disposable phone. Shit! I’m going to be late for work.
Walking up to Lex, who is leaning against a nearby tree, people watching, I say, “I have to go to work. Night shift at a gas station.”
Lex gives me a sour look. “Night Shift at a gas station? That sounds terrible… and dangerous.”
I roll my eyes at him. If only he knew of the life I lived before coming here. “It’s not dangerous, I’ve been working there for weeks. Now, you can either drive me, or I’m going to walk. Your choice.”
When he doesn’t answer me right away, I take his silence as a no. But when I call his bluff and start walking away from him, he grabs my arm and pulls me back toward him.
“Fine. I’ll drop you off.” His voice is gruff, laced with annoyance. Clearly, he’s not happy about this, but I don’t care. This is my life, and I worked hard to get here. It might not be great, but it’s mine. I’m in control now, control of my fate, of my future.
“Fine,” I echo his word before I turn in his hold and walk toward the parking lot.
His hand on my arm drops, but he doesn’t let me go. Instead, he grabs my hand, interlacing our fingers, and continues holding it as he falls into step beside me. Out of the corner of my eye, I look at our connected hands.
“What are you doing?”
“Holding your hand,” he says with a grin.
“Why?”
“Because I want to.”
I should pull my hand from his grasp. I should tell him to stop and shove him away, but the stupid feeling in my chest tells me to hold on. I shouldn’t enjoy having him hold my hand, but I do. It feels nice… and oddly natural.
With Lex, I realize quickly that I need to pick and choose my battles. Sometimes it’s better to give in, to save my energy for the things that really matter to me. I decide this is not worth fighting him over, so I let him hold my hand all the way to his truck.
He lets go to open the passenger door and ushers me inside. Immediately, I miss the loss of contact, my hand cold and empty, and I curse myself inwardly for feeling this way, for getting attached to him when I should be trying to get away. Men have ruled me my entire life, and now I’m melting into another man’s arms like a chocolate bar, the only difference is Lex isn’t nearly as cruel as the men I grew up with.
Averting my mind away from the way his touch makes me feel, I give him directions to the gas station I work at. It’s not far from campus; in fact, it’s close enough that I usually walk, and it only takes me twenty minutes.
“It’s that one over there,” I say, pointing at the corner gas station as we turn the corner.
The color drains from Lex’s face. “Fuck no! This is the shittiest part of North Woods, and you expect me to leave you here?” He pulls up to the curb and tosses the car into park, twisting in his seat to look at me. The rich brown locks of hair on the top of his head, which are a little longer than the hair at the sides, look incredibly soft, and I wonder if now would be a strange time to run my fingers through them. “Do you know how many times this gas station gets robbed each year?” Again, I say nothing, and he keeps shaking his head. Knowing he cares for me so much when no one has ever cared for me in my life, makes my heart squeeze tightly in my chest. “No, no. You’re not working here anymore,” Lex’s voice booms in my ears, and that simple response is like ice-cold water being poured down my back.
“Excuse me?” I turn to him, puzzled, and wondering where he gets off on telling me what I can and cannot do?
Lex doesn’t seem as if he’s going to stand down though and straightens in his seat. “I don’t want you working here. It’s sketchy, and dangerous, and there are so many other jobs closer to campus that you could have. You don’t need this.”
“Not only do I need this job very much, but I also want it. You don’t think I applied to other places? Nobody wanted me. Rick hired me on the spot.”
“I’m sure he did,” Lex growls, his lips pull into a deep grimace.
“I’m grateful for this job, and I’m not giving it up just because you don’t like it. I’m on a scholarship, but that doesn’t pay for everything. I need this job.”
“I’ll find you a new job, and in the meantime, I’ll help out. I can give you some money. Let me take care of you.”
Anger bubbles up in my gut, threatening to erupt like a supervolcano. I know what taking care looks like. He wants me to depend on him. He wants me helpless and in need, but that’s not going to happen. I won’t fall for this. “I don’t need anyone to take care of me. I take care of myself.”
And with that, I storm out of the truck, slamming the door behind me. I waltz across the sidewalk, hoping that he won’t come after me. Only when I’m inside, do I dare to look back at the truck. He didn’t leave, but he didn’t get out either.
All he’s doing is staring at me, and he looks pissed. Too bad for him. I spin around on my heel and head to the back of the store to put my work shirt on.