“I was confused last night after seeing my mom, all I wanted to do was forget about it. I just wanted to feel good for a few hours. To have something other than that horrible woman and that horrible experience to think about.”
Lex’s face falls, but I don’t want to lie to him. Sex with him is great, but what we did yesterday was nothing more than a distraction, or at least that’s what I’m going to continue to tell myself.
“Jude, what happened yesterday? What was all that? What happened to make you feel that strongly about her? I have never seen anybody who felt that way about their mother. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t hug and love on mine if I ever see her again, but I wouldn’t yell at her like that either.”
His words bring forth a pang of new guilt. I don’t want to hate my mother, truly, but I’m not sure how else to feel. She let my father beat me, she stood by and watched as he beat me, not once, but many, many times. She never shed a tear, never told him to stop. She turned the other cheek, looked away when I needed her most. I couldn’t share that with Lex. I couldn’t diminish what he thought of me further.
“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not talking about it. I need to think about getting a new job. That is all that I need or want to think about.”
My words must sting because he pulls away and turns his back to me as he gets up and walks out of the bedroom without another word. I hate that I hurt his feelings. I know he feels pushed away. But it has to be this way. I can’t get attached.
I pull the sheet up and around me, not wanting to be naked any longer. I cannot have him see the soreness in my heart at pushing him away. I cannot have him find out I’m pregnant. I’m not ready to think about that. I am not ready to talk about it. I am not ready to have him get close.
I need a few more days of independence before it is all washed away. Before it is all gone, never to return. There is no way out. But the last thing I need is to feel dependent, even if I am dependent.
Tears sting my eyes, and I look out the window at the trees. I realize how easy they have it. No emotions, no parents to abuse them or beat them with a belt, no one to marry and become the slave of. No one to tell them they can’t go to school, they can’t learn, they can’t grow, they can’t be who they’re supposed to be. Trees have it so much easier than we do.
How do I raise a kid with this much baggage? How do I teach a child about the possibility of goodness if I have never known any? How do I understand what a child even needs after what I’ve been through? There is no hope. Some part of me feels like I should have just married Bartholomew.
But I can’t. I won’t. This is not his baby. I won’t do that to myself, and I won’t do that to my child. I don’t know whether to trust Lex, not really. But he has got to be better than them. Anything is better than them.
Lex walks back in after using the bathroom and slides back into bed.
“I know someone who can help you with a job.”
“Really?” I’m a bit shocked that he would return to bed offering to help me find a job after I pushed him away, but Lex has such a kind heart, it’s not that surprising.
“Really.”
I turn to search his face, clutching the sheet to my chest, and realize his smile is beaming up at me. I decide I need a little more comforting and move to lie with my back against his front, and he wastes no time scooping my body into his big spoon.
After a few more hours of sleep, he takes me to school, but rather than dropping me off, we get there early so he can take me to see his brother, the Dean. We wait outside the office until his secretary ushers us in, and then I am standing in front of the man who has the power of life and death over my academics. If he doesn’t like me, he can kick me out. And here we are, asking him for a job, which Lex assures me is the right thing to do.
I am not so sure.
“Hey, brother.” They embrace and pat each other on the back before separating, and Lex introduces me.
“This is Jude Abbot, the girl I was telling you about.”
When did he have time to call him this morning?
“I remember seeing your name come across my desk when it was time to approve your admission. I was really impressed with your letter. It was earnest and genuine, and we don’t always see a lot of those. How can I help?” He looks from me to Lex and back again. “Have a seat.”
Lex and I sit across from his desk, and I let Lex take charge of the conversation. I don’t know that I could have. I am too shy, and I had never been in such a formal office before.
I am literally terrified.
“We’re here for a job.” They chuckle at each other, and then they both look at me. I don’t know what to say.
“Yes,” I stumble out. “I need a job.” I sound ridiculous. Like I’m in grammar school. Called into the principal’s office.
Seb grins at me and says, “I think I can help with that. What kind of work do you want to do?”
I look at Lex blankly, not knowing how to respond, then I look back at Seb. My eyes ping-pong between the two brothers.
“The kind that pays?” I shrug, hoping that is an option.
They both laugh loudly as if I’m being funny on purpose. But I did not see the humor in it. I knew that people got internships without pay all the time, and I didn’t want one of those. I need to be able to provide for myself. And provide for something that neither of them knew about. I have to get to work as quickly as possible and save as much as I can. That is the only thing that is going to save me.
“I meant what kind of work do you want to do that is paid? Like, secretarial work, helping out in the gym with organizing sports equipment, or running errands? We have tons of different stuff that can be done. Hell, you could want to be on the lawn crew for all I know. If you want to work outside.”
“Oh. I didn’t think about that. I don’t have a lot of experience. But I can type fast and take orders and show up on time and be helpful in just about anything.”
“I have no doubt.” His smile is warm and genuine. It reaches his eyes, putting me at ease. “How about I think of something that might be fun for you and run a couple of options by you next Monday? If you have any preferences, you can start whichever one you want right away, maybe even the same day if you like. Does that sound good?”
“That would be great!”
He turns to Lex. “But I’m only doing this if you agree to bring her to Sunday dinner.”
My stomach flips, and I glance between them, wondering what is going on.
Lex nods. “You got it.”
They stand up and shake hands, and I realize that they had just cut a deal to get me a job. I do not know about this whole dinner thing, but I am open to it if it means I can work and support myself.
I thank Seb, shaking his hand before Lex and I leave. On the way out, I tug Lex’s sleeve, asking him about the Sunday dinner.
When we get to his truck, he tucks me into the passenger side and then gets in before he answers my question.
“It’s a family tradition. Every Sunday we have family dinner. Brothers, wives, kids, Pops, everybody.” He grins and seems genuinely happy.
“And you want me to go?”
“Well, it is one of the requirements of you getting a job.”