“Deal.”
I place my empty water glass in the sink and then make my way to the bedroom. Lex follows at a safe distance behind, and I am grateful he is not too close. I am still too raw.
After I am under the covers on the side closest to the window, he gets in, and we settle into a comfortable silence. I’m still shaken overhearing his call with Luke, but that thought only conjures up doubts and visions of blood, so I skirt that thinking. I need something more comfortable to think about, or I will never be able to sleep, and I have classes tomorrow.
Softly, I ask, “Lex?”
“Mmm?” His tone is an equally soft whisper.
“Did you have a name for your fort?”
I listen as he quietly tells me how they ran through the alphabet before they settled on “Fortress Major” for the name.
I fall asleep, smiling, listening to him drone on about his beautiful childhood.
11
Lex
“Hey there, good morning.” Jude’s eyes lock with mine shyly, I’m speaking as softly as I did last night when I was helping her find sleep.
She sits up and puts her feet on the floor, stretching with her back to me.
Some women are all about morning connections. I have no idea what is good for Jude. What she likes or dislikes. She doesn’t give an inch.
I sit up with her and stretch my back in a slight arch, arms overhead, wondering if she wants coffee in bed or if she prefers to be left alone. I can already feel her distance, no matter how close I think we might have gotten last night, or how I slept next to her, even if I couldn’t touch her.
I wonder if she will ever let down her guard with me fully. God, she is a beautiful woman.
“Can I get you some coffee?”
She looks at me and shakes her head.
“Tea?”
She half smiles, and I do not know if that is a yes, but I will take it.
“Tea, it is.”
I amble my way down the hall and make a pit stop in the bathroom. I look in the mirror, and all I see are bags under my eyes. I didn’t sleep so well last night, although I loved being next to her. I splash water on my face and note that it is almost time for a haircut. I want to stay in here and take my shower, but it isn’t time yet. I need to give her room to take care of whatever she needs. Maybe she needs to go to the bathroom too.
Exiting the bathroom, I make my way down the hall, put the coffee on for me, and set a tea kettle with some water over a flame.
I like my kitchen. Somebody upgraded it before I bought the house. It’s the best part of the house as a matter of fact. No fancy dishes, no woman’s touch yet just clean, unbroken tile for a backsplash and a dark slate counter. My stainless silver fridge is covered in drawings from my nieces, and inside, it houses little more than my creamer.
I reach inside and pull out the creamer, adding it to my coffee, and then I hear the shower running. I know she’s got to get to school, but I don’t know what time. I’m sure she’ll let me know.
I pull out my two boxes of tea. Earl Grey and orange something that somebody brought and left here a ways back. I don’t know if either of these will work for her, but they are all I’ve got. I make a mental note to pick up some more tea if that’s what she likes.
I only have two mugs. The one for my coffee, with the Marine Corps emblem and Semper Fidelis, and the other, a UT at Austin mug, that I got autographed by Vince Young in 2005, the year he led them to the national championship.
Boy, he went to hell in a handbasket, didn’t he? Like me, he probably never figured himself out after he left college, but someday, I will figure out what I am supposed to do with my life. Right now, it just felt good to be around Jude and to make sure she is safe.
The shower goes off, and I grab my cup of coffee and walk to the door, so there will be more light in here. A kitten that had taken to camping on my porch is back. A little gray furball, too young for living on her own, but not comfortable coming close enough for me to get to her.
I go back to the fridge and pour her a little bowl of milk. I take it back to her, and she watches me skittishly from across the porch, waiting until I’m back behind the screen door before she comes to look at it. I need her to know she is safe too, whatever that looks like for her.
The floor creaks behind me, and Jude walks in. She spots the boxes of tea and the mug, opening each box, sniffs inside before choosing one. Maybe they did not have teas where she came from, or maybe they had something other than these standard ones. Weird.
The little gray crumpet on the porch meows and looks up at me as I look back down.
“Yeah, she is getting some tea. You’ve had your booze, she’s getting hers, and I have mine.” I lift my cup to show the kitten. “Now, all we need is a partridge in a pear tree.”
Jude walks over to see who I’m talking to and looks down. She gasps in surprise when she sees the kitten.
“Hi, little guy!” she coos.
“It’s a girl.”
“I can call a girl a guy.” She brushes me off. “Hi, little guy. Where is your mama?”
The kitten meows and wanders toward the door and Jude’s voice.
It hits me then. I realize the two of them are just alike. No mama, same as me, but the two of them were too young for such hard realities.
Jude very quietly and very slowly opens up the door a tiny crack and puts her finger through the opening at the bottom. The little kitten comes over and sniffs it, shocking me. I had never been able to get within two feet of her without her dashing away and under the porch.
I watch as she tests her finger and eventually rubs herself against that finger for a pet. I wait another moment, and I can hear an audible purr. My jaw slackens, and my eyes go wide. I’m dumbfounded.
For several minutes, I’m afraid to move, worrying that I will disturb their little cuddle party. My heart is happy to see that she can be affectionate with someone, and it dawns on me that I feel that way about both the kitten and the girl.
Jude is getting something back from it. That has got to be good for her.
After a bit, Jude pulls her finger back, stands up, and moves past me to find a chair and sip her tea. This feels a lot like something, something I can’t put my finger on.
“In 20 minutes, I need to leave.”
I nod, take the last swig of my coffee, set the cup on the counter, and I’m gone. Shower time.
Driving her to school, we ride in silence. I still feel uneasy around her, on guard, as if anything I do will shoot her the wrong way, set her off, make her pull back, or cause her to have a bad day. I do not know what she needs. All I know is that safety is one of them.
We move through the streets in silence. Past school crossings and helicopter parents dropping off kids, commuters going to work, pedestrians doing regular, normal things, just like us, but there is nothing normal or regular about either of us. Or, what is between us.
I still remember that first night. When she wanted to come home with me, a perfect stranger, and initiated sex. I sensed then that she didn’t have enough experience for those moments. I was one-hundred percent sure she had given me her virginity, and I knew with that came great responsibility.
But I did not want just a responsible role related to it. I wanted her. I had not been able to get her out of my mind. I did not know what she really wanted. I did not know what was good for her, either. I just knew that I wanted to be part of the equation in a big way. And I wanted to keep her safe.