She shakes her head. “No, I’m fine. I don’t need to go to the doctor.”
“If you are worried about money, don’t be. As a student, you have coverage using your student ID. It is one of the benefits of going to school at North Woods.”
She doesn’t meet my eyes. “No, that’s not it, I just don’t see the need. I’m going to be fine. It will pass.”
“Jude, you are not fine. I just heard you hurling your guts out. And you were sick at school too. Be reasonable. We should at least see what is going on. Come on, it’s not that big of a deal, let’s just go. No matter what it is, I will be there with you. I will see you through it.”
“Fine,” she almost yells. Reluctantly, she gets up, grabs her purse, and we head to the door. It is the first good sign that we will get through this. But then she stops right before we walk out. Turning to me, her features pale, and fear like I’ve never seen flickers in her eyes.
Why is she scared?
“Lex, I don’t wanna go to the doctor because I know what’s wrong with me,” she whispers.
“What? Tell me?”
Shaking her head, she walks back over to the couch and sets her purse down. She lets her face fall into her hands and starts to cry. Her shoulders shake as the sob wrecks through her body.
“Whatever it is, Jude, I promise, I will be here with you.” And that’s the truth, there isn’t anything that I won’t do for her.
“I’m pregnant, Lex,” she mumbles into her hands.
At first, I don’t understand. I hear the words, but they don’t make sense. It’s like she is not speaking English. Then the words echo in the room, replaying in my head over and over again. I’m not even convinced I heard her right. But, if she really means it—
I rush across the room and kneel at her feet.
“Oh, my fucking god, Jude! Are you serious? Please, tell me you are serious?”
Lowering her hands, she looks at my grin as my arms go around her thighs, wanting to embrace her but not wanting to crowd her at the same time.
“You’re happy?” She looks bewildered.
“Are you kidding me? Oh, my god! This is the best news of my entire fucking life. Entire fucking life! I could not have had better news. Please, tell me it’s not a joke?”
“It is definitely not a joke. I am pregnant. I’m going to have your baby. It’s growing inside me and makes me sick to my stomach every five seconds.”
I cannot believe this. My brain and heart are exploding.
“We’re going to have a baby,” I correct her. “It is finally my turn.”
“Your turn?”
“Yeah, do you know how hard it has been to want a family and children and see my brothers getting theirs, sometimes twice over, while I’m still waiting for what’s going to be right for me? Until you walked into my life, it felt like nothing was ever going to be right. You were the first right thing, and now you’re telling me there are going to be three of us?” My enthusiasm and glee are hard to contain. I want to jump up and down.
It takes everything I have to be still and not swing her around in circles.
“Well, four, technically. And if I can convince you to go back and get Lady Loo, it will be five.” She laughs, and her face finally lights up. We are grinning at each other, eyes sparkling, joy filling the room.
I laugh and throw my arms around her and then pull her into a big embrace.
“Jude, this is the best thing ever!”
“You’re really not upset at all? About losing your freedom?”
“Jude. Listen when I tell you this. You are the most important thing in my life. Period. End of subject. Nothing else matters. Well, I love my family, and I will take care of them and protect them, too, but hear me on this. You could not have told me anything better than this.”
“What about school? What about losing my independence? I’ll be depending on you. I’ll need your help with like… well, everything.” A shadow crosses her face, and I remember how important it is for her to be the woman she wants to be, rather than the one her parents tried to force-feed her.
“The mother of my children, losing her independence? Have you seen my sister-in-laws? No, there is no chance in hell that is ever going to happen. The mothers of our children are always powerful women. And we love them and protect him until the day they die. And then we love them beyond that.”
“Oh, Lex!” She throws her arms around my neck, and I can’t believe my luck. I’m swimming in giddiness. I can’t believe that this magnificent, beautiful creature is going to bring another one into the world for me. With me. For us. One that will bless my entire family. Oh, everyone is going to be so excited. It is finally my turn!
“Can I touch your belly?” I ask quietly as the awe overtakes all the other emotions.
She laughs. “Of course, silly. Only be gentle because I might throw up on you.”
I look down at her tiny belly as she leans back, and I know that this is the first moment in my entire life that I will ever be close to my baby. You only get to touch the belly that houses your baby for the first time once. This is that moment for me. I shake my head, unable to believe my luck.
For a long minute, I marvel at the idea that a tiny seed of her mixed with a tiny seed of me, and at this very minute, they were doubling and tripling and quadrupling to create a new life. A mini me or a mini her or a mini us. Something profound and beautiful and tender and molten.
I glance up at her face, and she sees the awe and wonder in mine. I’m sure there is an endless sea of emotions in my eyes, and I see every single one reflecting back in hers.
Time stops, and I know with utter certainty that I’m in love with this woman. That I’ll marry her and offer her the life she deserves. The one they both deserve.
It is almost too intense. I need to go slow, so I do not scare her away.
“Is there anything I can get you? Pickles? Pizza? Orange soda pop?”
“Well, I would really love some tea, something to settle my stomach. Today has not been good for the baby and me.” She frowns.
I jump to my feet and pull out my keys, grinning like a schoolboy on a snow day.
“What kind?”
“Anything but chamomile. Maybe some mint?”
I lean forward and kiss her full on the mouth as I hold her head.
“I’m the luckiest bastard in the world, to have you, to have that baby growing inside you. My everything, my world.”
With that, I’m out the door. Headed to get my girl whatever she wants.
With three bags full of different flavors of tea, I pull onto my street and feel relieved when I find that the white SUV is gone.
I park in the driveway, and as I walk up to the door, I’m rummaging my mind for lullabies. I realize I do not know nearly enough of them and will need to learn more so I can sing them to my soon to be son or daughter. I’m still grinning, unable to control my joy, until I walk in.
My heart stops beating in my chest and is replaced by a dull, empty ache when I take in the space. A lamp is knocked over, and the coffee table is askew.
“Jude!” I call out, but there is no response.
Dropping the bags where I stand, I run through the house like a madman, desperate to find her even though deep down, I know she is not here.