“I need to be able to care for myself before I can take care of another, even something as small as a dog.”
It makes sense, so I don’t push. She needs to be comfortable caring for herself, and I understand that.
Surrendering the dog back to the shelter, we say our goodbyes and promise to visit again.
On the drive home, I see the white SUV in the rearview yet again. This time, I need to test the theory of being followed. I change lanes quickly and hit the gas a little to ensure I make the light before it turns red. The white SUV makes all the same moves and makes the light as well, which triggers all my internal alarms. But then, just when I am certain that I’m right, it turns into a parking garage and is gone.
Coincidence? I don’t know. The Marine in me says no, but I don’t want to spook Jude.
Pulling Jude’s hand up to my mouth, I kiss the back of it as I shoo away darker thoughts.
When we get to the house, I make up an excuse and head to the back porch to make a call. The grey kitty is out there, fatter and more affectionate now that Jude has made her feel safer, but still, as of yet, unnamed.
I dial Roman’s number. The moment I push the green button, my heart sinks in my stomach, the bad feeling in my gut, growing like a cancer.
“Hey,” he answers after a few rings.
“Hey.”
I wonder again if I’m making the right choice but come to the same conclusion. There is no one else to ask or go to.
“Roman, I think someone is following me. Or Jude. Not sure which, or if it is both.”
“So, are you asking me for help or just calling to let me know in case you disappear?”
Smartass. “Something like that,” I sigh, “look, I don’t know who else to call. I guess I could call the police, but what are they gonna do? All I have is a feeling that someone is following us. It might be nothing, but if it’s not nothing, and I didn’t do anything, I’ll never forgive myself. If something happens to Jude...”
My mind flashes back to Damon Rossi, and how we left things.
If you ever need anything, let me know.
“You know I got your back. That’s what friends are for. Let me look into it okay?”
“It may be her parents. They run a religious cult and are trying to get her back. But it may be someone else, too. I just do not know.”
“I got this, Lex. Don’t you worry your pretty little head.”
“Did you just call me pretty?” I scoff.
“The prettiest, well, apart from me. Now, don’t make this gay, man. I’ll call you when I find something.”
“Thanks. I really appreciate that.”
We hang up without further words, and I look down to see the baby kitty climbing up my pant leg. She meows loudly, and I pick her up and decide for the first time, it is okay if she comes inside. If we can’t have a dog yet, at least we can have a kitten that’s technically adopted us.
20
Jude
When Lex brings in the kitten from outside, it is the perfect topper to the perfect day. I almost squeal, it excites me so much.
“He is so cute!”
“I told you,” Lex smiles, “he is a she.”
“Oh, poo on you. My kitty, my rules.”
Instantly, Mister Purrbox begins to make biscuits on my chest, and I’m in heaven. My heart, especially after a day like today, is full, almost to bursting. How can this be what other people think is normal? How can something so simple as walking through the park and down the street and having a meal at a sidewalk cafe, feel so joyous? How can Lex grabbing my hand, feel so magical?
I shake my head, and my body feels overwhelmed with emotions as I look at him and smile. It hits me suddenly. I’m falling in love. And I want him to love me. I want to belong to him. To make a family with him. To be a part of his family.
Snuggling closer to the kitten’s face, I try not to cry again, at least this time it’s for a good reason. I can’t remember, ever in my life, being this happy. Family dinner was the topper, and this almost tops that, maybe even competes with it for first place.
Today was a really good day. I feel like some things are falling together, and I’m finding my way. I feel safe, with something special growing in my belly. Maggie and Kayla hugged me as if I was their long-lost aunt. And Maggie and I had had a profound conversation about being part of this family. She was only two-years-old, and she said this was a good place, and I’m a good person. And then she asked me to stay. I knew intuitively what she meant, she wanted me to stay and be part of her life.
It is hard to trust that this is not going to blow up tomorrow. That Lex won’t get tired of me or try to tie me down or punish me if I do not do things the way he wants. It is really hard to trust. But I am starting to.
Now there is only one thing left to do, tell him my secret. How can I tell him I’m pregnant? How do I tell him that his freedom is about to come to a screeching halt? That his responsibilities will press in on him.
No, I don’t know how to have that conversation with anybody. He has been so good to me, and the last thing I want is for him to feel cheated because of it.
More so, I don’t want anything to change between us. Everything seems perfect right now. I don’t want this to end, and I’m afraid that us having a baby will change everything.
I know I need to tell him soon. I just don’t know how or when.
The next morning, I’m excited for my first day at my new job. Seb found me a position in his office as an administrative assistant, part-time. It is only two days a week, but it will work perfectly with my school schedule and give me some extra money beyond what I got in my grant.
Money that will allow me to buy things for the baby and contribute to my food bill at Lex’s place. I don’t want to be dependent on him for everything. It makes me uncomfortable, and it makes me feel like I owe him something, which costs me a lot of pride.
I’m only at work for an hour when nausea rises up inside me. I’m filing in the cabinet across from Seb’s desk in his office when it hits me. I look up at him and see he is on the phone. He looks at me and places his call on hold while I try to stand really still, hoping the feeling will pass. God, please, don’t let me puke on the floor.
“You look like you’re going to barf. Are you okay?”
I shake my head violently and run out of the room. I barely make it to the ladies room before I get sick. It almost feels as if I’m retching everything that I have ever eaten in the past week from my toes all the way up and out. The attack is violent and swift and intense.
It takes me a while to recover, and I go and get a couple paper towels and wet them and place them around my forehead, on the back of my neck, and between my breasts. I can’t go back in there looking like a sweaty vomiting mess. That’s not what Seb hired me for.
Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I pull my blonde hair back off my face and twist it into a loose ponytail at my neck. I feel and look a little more put together. That’s good.
When I walk back into Seb’s office to finish my filing, I avoid eye contact, hoping that he will just take it all in stride and not pay attention to me. I should know better though. Those Miller boys don’t let anything get past them.