As if I took a dozen ecstasy tablets, my head swirled with desire, shoving out logic as my arse curved into him. A barely audible moan huffed from his throat, his body automatically moving against mine, scorching me with need. He inhaled through his nose, gliding his hand from my sternum to my neck, his finger pressing into my throat, his hips rolling into me, dragging himself over me.
A gasp opened my mouth. “Lennox.”
He froze.
“Bloody hell.” His lips brushed against my ear. “Fuck.” His tone was defeated and pained.
My lids squeezed together painfully. “I know.”
“Jesus. You don’t know how bad I want to slip those tiny shorts down and bury myself in you.”
My breath came out spotty, need claiming me.
“We can’t,” he growled.
“I know.”
“Theo.”
“I know.” I glanced over my shoulder; shame strangled my heart.
He watched me, sorrow and frustration working over his face. He laid back on the pillow. “It’s not only him…there’s something else—” He stopped talking, staring up at the ceiling.
“What?”
“It’s complicated.”
“What does that mean?”
He didn’t answer.
Was he talking about Hazel? Were they more serious than I thought?
“Do you want me to go?” My heart sped up with the thought of being alone. Without him, I felt the dead would come to haunt me, try to drag me into hell.
“No.” He reached back for me, wrapping his arms around me, drawing me back into his body, sighing heavily. “Stay. Sleep.”
Tucking into the pillow, I relaxed my body into his, latching onto the bubble where this wasn’t wrong or right. No outside world. Just us. This moment of reprieve before tomorrow.
Before the rest of my world blew up.
Chapter 4
My hand shook as I poured coffee into my cup and popped a few painkillers, nausea swimming in my stomach. Every bone ached; every patch of skin was burned, bruised, or cut. The loose baggy clothes I was in still hurt when they brushed over it. My forehead wound smarted under the butterfly bandage keeping my skin pinned together. All I wanted to do was go back upstairs and crawl back into bed.
But not mine.
With a huff, I rubbed at my nose, staring down into the black liquid. Everything was so messed up, and last night only made it worse.
I reluctantly slipped out of Lennox’s room at dawn, leaving him sound asleep, returning to mine before anyone would find us. I wanted to stay. The few peaceful hours I got lying next to him felt like heaven, and I woke up to his hand on my thigh as if he wanted to make sure I was there.
“My lady, do you need anything?” A voice made me jump around.
“Bloody hell.” I hissed, my hand going to my chest.
A maid stood there, a hint of irritation on her stern face. “I can have someone serve you breakfast in the dining room.”
Meaning, get out.
I had crossed some invisible line. The royals stayed out of the domestic areas. But I felt more comfortable here than I did in that large stuffy room, where the Queen and King would be, along with Eloise and Theo.
I was avoiding all of them right now.
“No. I’m good. Thank you. Just coffee for me today.” I was far too queasy to eat anything yet.
Her smile was forced as she dipped her head, moving along.
Turning back around, I exhaled, willing the painkillers to kick in, along with some logic and a sense of sanity.
Today was going to be a shite day.
“You hiding in here?” Rough and thick, his voice hiked up my lungs from behind, curling my fingers against the counter. My body pulsed in response to him, flushing with heat and energy.
How had I not seen it before? Denied it?
“Jesus.” I breathed out, my heart pounding wildly. “Will people stop sneaking up on me this morning?”
He stayed right behind me, forcing me to glance over my shoulder at him.
Mistake.
My teeth clamped together at seeing him. Dressed in his suit, his hair damp from a shower, he smelled like soap—masculine and rich. He looked so damn sexy, even covered in bruises and butterfly bandages covering his deeper cuts as well. The craving to reach up and touch them, to kiss him, whirled me back around, and I struggled to swallow.
“It bothered me,” he spoke low, muttering into my ear.
“What?”
“Waking up to an empty bed.” His breath slipped down the back of my neck. “Specifically, to you not being in it.”
A harsh breath sucked through my lungs, my throat tight.
“Lennox.”
“I know.” He stepped back. My instinct was to reclaim the space, but I forced my attention on the counter, my nails tapping at the ceramic mug. “I have no right to say that to you.”
Maybe not, but it didn’t take away the fact I wanted to hear it, wanted him to feel that way. Longed to feel his skin against mine, to not stop what could have happened last night.
“I don’t think I should work here anymore.”
“What?” I swung around, my eyes wide. “Why?”
“Why do you think?” He tilted his head.
“You can’t quit.”
“I can’t stay.” He rolled back his shoulders, tucking his hands in his pockets. “Theo is a good guy. He deserves someone on his team who has his best interests at heart.”
“And you don’t?”
“No.” His hazel eyes burned into me, fluttering rabid bats in my stomach. Tension weaved through the air, making me forget everything else. “I definitely do not.”
I swallowed at his implication, heart thumping.
“It will be better with me gone.”
“Not for me.” My mouth sputtered without my mind in agreement.
“Even more for you.” He looked to the side. “I’m not…I can’t…” He cleared his throat. “You will have a good life with him.”
“What if that’s not what I want?” I whispered.
His head snapped back to me. “What do you want?”
You. It sat heavy in my mouth but wouldn’t pass through my lips, fear branding it to my tongue.
He watched me for a moment, then his eyes dropped, his head shaking. “It doesn’t matter. This…” He motioned between us. “Is not even an option. I’ll be removing myself from His Majesty’s service. It will be better for all in the end…and soon, you won’t even remember me.”
“Not possible.” I pushed off the counter, stepping into his space. His nose flared, but he didn’t move. The memory of his fingers sliding through me, his erection heavy against me, consumed me. “Not when all I can think about is you.”
“Spencer…” His voice died away.
“You’re right, Theo deserves better. From me too.” The craving to touch him made my hand press against his torso, recalling how his skin felt against mine. His muscles flinched and moved against my palm. “I’m going to tell him today.”
“What?” he breathed out.
“That it’s over.”
“You sure about that?” He leaned in closer to me, our mouths only a few centimeters apart. “I’m not the guy…even if I wanted to be. I can’t. There are things you don’t know.”