I wasn’t sure of a lot lately, but there was one thing I was. I cared a lot about Theo, and he deserved someone who loved him without hesitation. Someone who would be completely obsessed and crave him.
“There you are,” Theo’s voice slammed into me from the doorway. Locking up in fear, I couldn’t move, panic popping my eyes wide. We were too close, my hand still touching him…
Lennox reflexes were like a cat, moving in an instant, his hand poking at the plaster on my forehead, acting like he was taping it back down. “There. All clean.” He brushed his hands together, stepping back. “Need to keep ointment on it if you don’t want it to scar.”
Theo stepped up to us, his gaze shifting between us with guarded caution. “You all right?”
I nodded, my fingers grazing over the dressing.
“My medical training in the field always takes over.” Lennox motioned to me.
Theo’s jaw rolled, but he bobbed his head, not responding.
“Well.” Lennox dipped his head at him. “Better get to work. Busy day. See you two later.” He swiveled, striding out of the room, leaving Theo and I alone.
Awkward. Strained.
Exhaling, I looked at Theo, my throat closing in, knowing what I was about to do. I couldn’t deny a big chunk of both my heart and head were screaming, “What the fuck are you doing? Are you an idiot?”
Yes. I probably was. But as much as I loved Theo, it wasn’t enough.
“How are you feeling today?” He moved to me, clasping my biceps, his eyes searching over the burn marks on my face. “You look a little better. Get some sleep?”
“Theo…”
“No, let me speak first.” His hands squeezed my arms, and I tried not to flinch in pain. “I am so sorry. I really was a wanker. I shouldn’t have said those things last night. After what you went through.” He paused for a moment, staring at me. “I was selfish. I was just so scared. The thought of losing you…”
A tsunami of shame barreled into me, flooding the back of my eyes.
“Theo, stop—”
“I love you so much.”
“Theo—”
“I want you to forget about it, and we move forward.”
“Forget about it?” I leaned back, leaving his grasp, puzzlement lowering my lids.
“All of it. Our fight. The incident.” He shrugged off the word like it was nothing. “It’s not worth dwelling on. There’s so much good ahead of us.”
Forget? I could still taste the debris and blood on my tongue. I could never forget their guts staining my clothes, the sounds of their screams, the power of the explosion ripping my skin, the wails as the building collapsed. It may have only been seconds, but I could hear, see, and feel every second like it was years.
There would be no forgetting.
“I can’t simply forget, Theo.” I stepped back farther. Disgusted. Angry.
“It’s not like I wasn’t there. I went through it too.”
“Went through it?” I repeated, my mouth falling open. He was two rooms away and was escorted back to the palace, never seeing one thing or experiencing anything but the shake of the ground. Twenty-seven were dead, and there were more in intensive care who might never wake or walk again. I was one of the lucky ones, but I still would be scarred and haunted for the rest of my life. “Are you serious?”
“Sorry.” He shifted his feet. “That came out wrong. I know it wasn’t quite the same…” He blew out in irritation. “I just think today we need to celebrate the positive. And have fun tonight at the gala.”
“Gala?” I jolted, my lids blinking, dread leaking down my throat.
“My father’s birthday. You know it’s tonight.”
No.
Nononono.
The King’s birthday wasn’t just a party, it was the largest event of the year. Ball gowns, tuxedos, celebrities, and politicians. The who’s who of the elite. So much pomp and circumstance choked out any fun, though people would kill for an invite.
“Tonight?” I pleaded for him to say he was joking. “I can’t…”
“Don’t be silly. You have to.” Theo frowned. “Could you imagine what people would say or think if you weren’t there?”
“That I almost got blown up!” I tried to fling out my arms, flinching at the movement, the Vicodin the doctors had given me not fully taking the edge off. My skin looked like I had been dragged over a road, my bones and muscles ached, my energy barely skimmed the surface.
“Even in death, my grannie would demand our attendance.” He smiled. “We royals are held to a different standard. We show up. Stiff upper lip and all.” He brushed a strand of my long hair off my face, tucking it behind my ear, his thumb brushing the injury on my cheek. “And you are part of that. Cover up the wounds, put on a pretty dress, and smile.”
That sounded like misery.
“Theo.” Even more certainly powered my voice. “We need to talk.”
He pulled away, his lips tightening. “About?”
Running my hands through my hair, I exhaled. “Us.”
“Can this wait?” He peered down at his watch. “I have a lot to do before this evening.”
“No. I don’t think it can.” I took another breath. “I don’t think I should go tonight…as your date.” The sentence was awkward and strained.
“What?”
“You know I love you.” I twisted my hands together. “I just don’t know if it’s enough.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Spencer?” Anger flared his voice instantly. “What do you mean, not enough?”
Fuck, this was hard. “I don’t think I can be part of this world.” I motioned around. “I’m not happy.”
“You-you’re not happy,” he blurted with ire.
“I care about you. So much. But in all honesty, I don’t think I’m a good fit for you. I mean, don’t you feel it? We are too young and all this pressure to be more…I think we jumped into this too fast.”
“I can’t believe this.” He shook his head. “You knew!” He stabbed his finger toward the ground. “You knew what you were getting into with me! I asked you if you wanted to be with me.”
“With you, yes, but it’s the rest of it I thought I could handle. But I can’t. I’m not built to stand at your side and smile.”
He paced the room, his movements aggravated and tense. “This is such bullshite. Where is this coming from? You were fine a couple of days ago.”
“Actually, I haven’t been okay since you moved me in here without even asking me.” I shot back. “But I dealt with it, smiled, and kept quiet to make this easier for you. Which isn’t me. I’m not that girl, but I knew how much responsibility was put on you. It didn’t mean my feelings and life should become obsolete.”
“Your life was never obsolete!”
“Wasn’t it?”
“You could do all your animal stuff. You can do as many charities as you want.”
“Animal stuff.” I clamped my jaw shut.
“I didn’t mean—”
“Stop.” I held up my hand. “I’m not saying doing charity dinners isn’t a great thing…but not for me. I want to be in it. Hands dirty, knee-deep. That’s my passion, not something on the side.”