Bloody hell.
My head snapped to the side, cheeks flaming with chagrin. The rest of the night was still vague, though the inkling I had done a striptease for him in my room flooded me with humiliation.
“What I do in my time off, and who I do it with, is my business.” He stepped into my face. “Tell me, why do you care who I screw? I’m only your hired help, right? The lowly staff you will soon be able to order about, to hold your clutch purse at events.”
“Fuck you,” I snapped. “That’s not me.” I was the girl who rode through mud and water, who mucked pig slop and didn’t care when I smelled like sweat and horses. Who wanted to be with the animals, saving them, helping them, protecting them.
At least I used to be.
“The girl I first met sat on top of the table, ate pizza while covered in horsehair, and had a wickedly blunt mouth.” He stepped up to me. I only took one step back, and my spine pressed into the wall, having nowhere to go. He pressed one hand against the wall next to my head. “What happened to her? She was full of life.”
“She’s still here.” But was she? I felt like I was losing touch with my dreams, my life…my soul.
“Okay, then tell me.” He moved in closer, his shoes nipping at my toes, his figure looming over me. “Why do you care who I sleep with?”
“I don—”
“Spencer,” he growled, my lungs clutching for oxygen as shivers ran through my body, my core tightening.
“Because…” I whispered, my neck twisting to the side, not able to look at him.
“Why?” He grabbed my chin roughly, turning it back to him, zipping fuel into my veins.
I knew I could tell him to back off, to take his hands off me, to leave me alone. He would obey without a word.
I could.
I should.
But a truth I didn’t want to accept ran over me like a trolley. I didn’t want him to.
The bomb could have easily taken me.
How to curtsy so you wouldn’t insult people, the correct dinner fork, the perfect dress, the proper way to wave. It was all meaningless, even our property. We were all alive. We had each other. Everything else was insignificant.
“Tell me, Spencer. Be honest with me for just a moment.”
“You don’t think I’m being honest?” I pushed against his grip, challenging him. “Are you being so honest?”
“What do you want to know?” He dropped his hand from my face, placing it on the other side of my head, boxing me in. “Ask.”
My mouth pressed together.
“You’re too afraid to ask.”
“Ask what?”
“How I feel when I watch Theo come out of your bedroom.”
Air sharply huffed through my nose, my entire body boiling with heat. “But you hate me.”
“Fuck, did I try.” He waggled his head. “I really tried.”
“Why?” I peered up at him. “The moment you met me, you treated me like I was beneath you.”
A harsh chuckle vibrated his chest. “Yeah, I wanted to hate you from then too.”
He shoved off the wall, moving away from me. Folding my arms, I tried to fend off the urge to reach back for him.
“During training, Theo couldn’t stop talking about you, showing us your picture. Jesus, we were all sick of hearing your name. He was so young and naïve compared to us jaded arseholes. Had no understanding of loss in life, just rainbows and unicorns. And you rode over all of them.” He tipped back against the door, rubbing at his neck. “I hated the world. There was nothing but darkness…then I saw you.” He exhaled a flimsy laugh. “I realized you were my punishment.”
“Punishment for what?”
His eyes met mine. “I used to be a Theo. Naïve and clueless to how cruel life can be. Gracie grew up on the neighboring farm. We were young and thought ourselves so in love. Funny what you’ll ignore, the truths you keep shoving away, so you will fit. She never wanted to leave the farm, and I couldn’t wait to go. She was sweet, timid, and would have given into me about anything. And I was too young and stupid to have noticed her sacrificing everything for me. So, life decided to show me…”
I didn’t move or speak, afraid he’d stop.
“I had been desperate for us to have sex. And finally, she agreed. We were swimming in the lake with my sister, Daisy, and our make-out session was getting really hot and heavy. So we went around the barn.” He swallowed, looking up.
My stomach sank, already knowing where this was going. I knew what had happened to his sister.
“Not a sound. Not one thing told me she needed me. I came back with a huge smile on my face, practically bouncing. I remember calling out for her, walking back up to lake…” His throat bobbed. “I saw her in the middle…face down…floating. She had an asthma attack and drowned.”
I rolled my lips together, emotion wetting my eyes.
“I tried to save her, but it was too late. She died because, at fifteen, all I could think about was shagging my girlfriend for the first time. My sister is dead because I wasn’t there for her.”
“Lennox.” I traveled to him, not sure what to say. What do you even say to something like that?
Wrapping my arms around his waist, I let my body speak instead. He wiggled against me, trying to step away, but I didn’t relent until he sighed, his arms curling around me.
“I’m sorry.”
“Yeah. Me too.” He stepped back, clearing his throat. “My parents died a few years later, and the moment I turned eighteen, I enrolled in the military to get away.”
“And Gracie?”
“She married some arsehole who didn’t truly love her. Made her so depressed, she tried to kill herself by overdosing on sleeping pills.”
“Holy. Fuck.” I blurted, my mouth falling open. The tragedy in his life was so heart wrenching and endless.
A slight smile hinted on Lennox’s mouth, his fingers rubbing at his scruff, his eyes piercing me. “There she is.”
“Bloody hell, Lennox.” I shook my head. “I am so sorry.”
He scoured his chin. “I’ve never told anyone about Daisy.”
“And you told me.”
“Yeah, well, most likely no one will find us, and you’ll kill me and eat me for nutrients.” He shrugged.
“Wow, that escalated quickly.”
“You saying you wouldn’t eat me?”
“I’m so not answering that.”
He smirked, pushing off the door, stepping up to me. “You’re still bleeding. Here. Good thing, it doesn’t look like you have a concussion.” He tugged the tie from my fingers, looping it around my head, cinching it in like a bandana, the tail dangling down one of my shoulders. A slight smile tugged the side of his mouth, his eyes on mine. “Start a new trend.” I couldn’t look away; his gaze was a force field I couldn’t fight. His eyes ran over me, his chest taking in a pull of air before he muttered in my ear. “Just so you know…I would totally eat you.”
Heat squeezed at my legs, desire flaming up my nerves. I almost didn’t care which way he meant it.
Shite.
His head suddenly jerked, his finger going to his ear. “Yeah, we’re here,” Lennox spoke into his com, jolting me to him with hope and relief. His brow furrowed, his attention going to the door as if he could see through it. “Seriously?” More silence.