She pulls a face. I know I’m being defensive but I don’t need challenging about Phoebe. Or Frank. Especially not by Shona Delaney.
Niven returns and the topic of conversation shifts at last, to my relief. Until this moment, everyone has accepted the decision Phoebe and I have made. Kate questioned it, but only as a concerned friend and because she wanted to understand. I can’t work out what Shona’s motivation is yet. Maybe I’ll call Kate later when I’m back at Ailish’s if it’s still bothering me.
Part of the problem is that Shona no longer fits the image I’ve always had of her. Everything I’d learned about how to be her friend years ago – things she responded to, topics to avoid, approaches appropriate to her personality – are now like a bunch of slightly bent keys that don’t fit the locks as they once did.
It doesn’t help that I haven’t contacted Phoebe since I sent her the song. She seems happy with the artist in Rome and the last I heard she was painting pebbles to leave across the city and rearranging a library. It sounds wildly romantic and is exactly the kind of thing I imagined her doing. It’s what I want for her, as much as being here in Mull is what she wants for me. We both said there would be times this year when we wouldn’t be in touch. I’m not worried there’s a gap in communication right now.
Besides, I’ve been obsessing over an old text of Phoebe’s I’d forgotten I had on my phone. She sent it to me from Carcassone, back when she was travelling through France. It’s a turreted walled settlement on a huge hill and ridiculously pretty. The kind of place Peter Jackson would fall over himself to set a film in. Fairy-tale turrets, rounded towers, flowers everywhere.
* * *
Hi Sam. I’ve found our house – fancy it? I reckon we’d suit a castle. Miss you, P xx
* * *
At the time I thought it was cute. When I found it again, I still loved the joke but this time it pulled me up. Was she thinking about that stuff already? I haven’t even considered it. I know we were both renting in London before we left, so own no property we have to return to, but do we find a place together immediately or wait to see if Phoebe and Sam work in the real world rather than just our imaginations and the strange limbo of our year apart?
The problem is that the Island gives you too much time to think.
And Shona muddies the waters.
Danger is too strong a word, but I’m on high alert around my friend and I can’t ignore it. She was always unpredictable and had the capacity to throw curveballs when you least expected them. But this is different. She’s different.
And, like the pebble sailing across her fingers on this beach, it’s mesmerising to watch.
* * *
Niven has been dropping hints lately about a ‘great idea’ that are about as subtle as the huge split rock on Fionnphort beach. Now, he tells us.
‘We could start a music club,’ he explains. ‘On the Island. Either after school or weekends, depending on what the take up is. I’m pretty sure my school would love it and there’s nothing like that for the kids right now. Between us we have guitar, fiddle, whistles, flute, drums, pretty much the whole thing covered. My pal Ruari can do pipes if there’s kids want to learn. Admit it, I am a genius!’
He’s talking at a million miles an hour, his eyes bright above his beard.
‘Hang on, slow down,’ I say. ‘It’s a great idea, but us teaching kids?’
‘I do it for a job. Shona teaches. The only reason you’ve not done it yet is you’ve not had the opportunity…’
‘Or the inclination?’
Niven groans. ‘Okay, fine. But think about how you started, eh? You’re always talking about Jonas. Think about how he changed your life. He wasn’t a music teacher, he was just a musician – but that was enough to get you playing.’
‘Where would we do it?’
‘I floated the idea with Archie from the Aros Hall and he’s well up for it. Come on, it’ll be fun.’
It’s the perfect solution: I can hang out with my friends without having time alone with Shona and worrying about my obvious attraction to her; and Niven can find an endeavour to scratch the itch that’s bothered him since Ruth left. Besides, it will be good to give something back, even if I’m out of my comfort zone surrounded by kids. Phoebe would tell me to go for it. And it’s something I can share with her from the beginning.
This challenge will give me a focus.
More importantly, it will keep me safe.
* * *
Things happen fast – with the venue secured, the school on board and a crowd of kids eager to sign up, we’re up and running in two weeks. Pretty quickly the music school becomes a regular part of my week – familiar without being overbearing and new enough to be exciting. I enjoy the comfort of the life I’m building on the Island and everything becomes calm.
Which is why, when the sea changes, it hits me head on.
The moment Ailish walks in, I sense a storm approaching.
‘Tea?’ I ask, as she bustles past me and dumps a shopping bag on the kitchen table.
She mutters something in reply but nods, so I take that as a yes. When I hand her a mug she accepts it, but her head is bowed as she walks into the living room. Should I follow? In my time here I’ve seen her tired, a little worse for wear after a bottle of wine occasionally, but never like this.
Simmering. Silent.
Ma called Ailish’s temper a well-caged lion, hidden for most of the time. The trip switch that unleashes it takes far longer to flip than it would do for most people. To my knowledge Ma only experienced it once, not long after she’d left the Island, when she admitted she was drinking again. The force of Ailish’s fury was enough to never invoke it again.
I steel myself for the inevitable.
‘You okay?’
Rain hammers against the glass as the storm swings direction from traversing the garden to hitting the house head-on.
‘No, Sam. I’m not.’
‘What’s up?’ I keep my voice steady.
The light in the room seems to dim.
Her sigh escapes her like the sea receding across a pebble beach. ‘I’ve said nothing, Sam. I’ve held my tongue because you needed time and I didn’t think it was right to push you. But I’m afraid I can’t do it any more.’
Whoa.
‘Ailish, if you want me to go…’
She was insistent when I arrived that I was to stay with her and wouldn’t hear of my suggestion that I accept Niven’s offer of accommodation or look to rent something in Tobermory. Has she changed her mind?
She looks at me and I see the tiger Ma warned me about. ‘No, I don’t want you to go. I want you to do what you came here for, Sam. I want you to stop hiding from it.’
‘I’m not hiding…’
‘Yes, you are. So you have the music lessons and the concerts with Niven and that’s all well and good. But you found out about Frank when you first got here and what have you done with that? Nothing!’
‘Now hang on…’
‘I don’t know what your ma would have said about you wanting to find him, God rest her soul, but I see that same pain in you that she could never deal with. Her whole life was wrecked by that man because she never got answers. You have the chance to find them. So what are you waiting for?’