How is this my fault? And whatever happened to, ‘do this at your own pace, Sam’?
‘You said you were going to ask around for me.’
‘Aye, when you were ready. But you’ve not mentioned it and as far as I can tell you weren’t planning to, either.’
‘I just haven’t had chance yet…’
‘Oh bollocks, Samuel!’
My mouth gapes. ‘What?’
‘I’m sorry, but that is utter bollocks.’
‘It’s the truth.’
‘No, it isn’t. You have a whole year here to do whatever you want. You aren’t working most of the time. You have entire days when you could call that phone number, find out where he is. Or ask me to start talking to people. There are more folk on the Island than Morag Ross who knew your father. Some of them will have stayed in touch with him when he went to the mainland. If nothing else your father had friends, always. Thick as thieves most of them, which is what made it so hard for your poor mother. He had allies all over Mull. Nobody believed she wasn’t responsible in some way for him leaving.’
‘In that case, why should I want to talk to the people who made her life hell? Why should I give them the chance to feel better about their prejudice?’
‘Oh get over yourself!’ She shakes her head. ‘You’re as stubborn as she was. Don’t you think they might be useful now? It’s not about absolving them of responsibility. It’s about finding the truth, so Frank Mullins doesn’t screw up your life like he did your ma’s.’
‘He didn’t screw up my life! He’s irrelevant to it. He means nothing to me.’
I’m furious but she’s on her feet now. It’s a full-throttle attack and I am not ready for what she unleashes.
‘Oh really? You never stay in one place. You have a job that always gives you an excuse to not put down roots. You’ve met the girl of your dreams – someone who has real potential to make you happy for the rest of your life – and you get on a train in the opposite direction for a whole year!’
‘Phoebe and I agreed. We said…’
‘Aye, well perhaps your Phoebe is as terrified of getting hurt as you are.’
‘I’m not terrified!’
‘You’re not? When Laura left you, you fell apart. Not just because she cheated. Because you let her close enough to hurt you. You are terrified of loving anyone because they might walk out on you, like your dad did to your poor ma. And you saw what that did to her. What it made her become. Did she survive? Yes. Was she happy? No, never. She was still breathing but her spirit broke the night that man walked out of her life. You are scared of winding up like she did. Angry at the world, thinking so little of her own worth that she drank herself into an early grave. You see your brother headed the same way and it scares you.’
How dare she? She knows nothing about me, or Callum. ‘Leave Cal out of this.’
‘Why? He’s as scarred as you are by that man. But where he drinks, you run.’
‘You don’t know my brother. And you don’t know me.’
‘Oh don’t I?’
‘No. If I’m so scared, why did I come back?’
‘I’m starting to wonder. Why come back and not address what started all this? You get one lead and you scurry away inside your cave.’
Is she serious?
‘My cave?’
‘Well what would you call it?’
‘I’m not hiding in a cave. Maybe I’m not ready. Maybe just being here is changing how I see my childhood, how I see myself. Is that not enough?’
‘I don’t know, Sam, is it?’
I can’t believe I’m hearing this. I’ll let Ailish McRae get away with saying stuff nobody else can, but this is a line crossed. I feel like the room is crowding in on me. I have to get out.
‘Look, if it bothers you this much I’ll move out. Then you won’t have to worry,’ I say, reaching for my coat on the back of the sofa.
‘Yeah, that’s right, Sam. Run away. Just like your father!’
There is no coming back from that. I snatch my coat and head for the door.
‘Wait – Sam – I didn’t mean…’ she says, hurrying after me.
But it doesn’t matter what she meant: it’s said. And now I know where I stand, there’s no way I can stay here.
My head is a mess as I stalk away from the house. Rain drives at me and the wind lashes my hair around my face. But it can’t push me back. Ailish’s calls are stolen by the storm and I wouldn’t turn around even if they reached me. I need space. I need to work out what the hell just happened.
* * *
I head for Fionnphort beach with its huge split rock, where enormous waves are beating the silver shoreline.
I tell myself that the water blurring the view and tumbling down my face is a consequence of staring into the storm. But that’s a lie. Out here on the bleak, deserted beach I am 9 years old again, nursing fresh bruises from an emotional kick I never saw coming. This is no more my fault today than it was then. So why do I feel I’m to blame?
Ailish is wrong. She’s wrong about Frank and she’s wrong about Laura and she is so, so wrong about Phoebe. I am not running away from her. I am making sure we are in the best place to be together. Maybe I am protecting myself a little, but why shouldn’t I? I don’t want to have my heart broken and neither does Phoebe. We’re both working this out. If she were with me now I could say everything I don’t feel able to in texts and phone calls. Face to face I would find the words.
I close my eyes against the storm and the fury and imagine myself back in her embrace. Her lips warm and inviting. Her fingers holding my face. Her body tight against mine. I push past the pain in my chest and focus on the fierce heat generated by my heart. We might be apart, but she is as real and as present within me as if she were wrapped around me on this beach right now.
That is what matters: not some distant shadow from my past who couldn’t even be bothered to be part of his son’s life. I meant nothing to Frank Mullins. Why should he mean anything to me?
Chapter Twenty-Three
Phoebe
I hate leaving Rome. Giana has become a good friend and I will miss our pebble drops around the city. As a leaving gift she presents me with a beautiful little wooden paint box and brushes, to leave my own marks wherever I go. I will treasure it.
‘I’ll use it as often as I can,’ I promise. ‘And everywhere I go I’ll tell people your story.’
Giana smiles. ‘That’s sweet, Phoebe. You have the dearest heart. But don’t share my story: you have your own story to share.’
Giana makes me promise to visit her again and bring Sam next time. I hope if I return he’ll be with me, that these frustrating doubts will have been dealt with. So much of the distance between us will be solved by just being back in the same space, I think, breathing the same air.
If we make it that far.
It’s strange to see Rome slipping away as my train leaves but my destination is back towards Florence – the city of Siena – so it almost feels like heading home. This is where I’ll be staying with Noura and Stephan, a couple who run an organic cheese business. One of the reviews on the accommodation site caught my attention and made my choice academic. It looks like it’s been carved from the mountains and hidden in the clouds. Also, Stephan makes wine – beware!