New York is home, and I plan to come back to my home once I’m done with my studies, building a life here for myself that is so different to the one I had before.
Maybe that’s why the idea to meet Zach popped in my mind and wouldn’t let go until I succumbed to my inner desire and wrote that stupid email to him.
“You are such a fool, Phoenix.” Did I really think he would come here today to explore… I don’t even know what to call our relationship.
Friendship? A secret-keeper with whom you can share those dark secrets without wanting to spill them to someone in your real life?
I huff in exasperation, glancing at my knee-high boots, wool dress, and long, warm coat, one of the best outfits I own, not to mention my hair blow-dried by a hairdresser that is currently whipping around in different directions, putting all that effort to waste.
I went all-out for this meeting, wanting to look good for a boy who probably always saw me as a charity case. Maybe I was a novelty among all the other rich kids that he interacts with on a daily basis?
My hand wraps around the necklace on my neck, my only graduation gift, reminding me that this boy was also the one who cheered me up during my lowest.
My phone rings, and I see Leiken’s name flashing on the display. I press the button to pick up, putting the phone far from my ear when she shouts into it. “It’s half past four! How is the date?” Dread fills me at the prospect of telling her the truth, that the guy probably stood me up and she was right all along. She takes my silence for a different answer though. “I know, I know. I shouldn’t call. But I just wanted to make sure he isn’t some kind of psycho. These days, no one knows.” For a second, I contemplate what she says and wonder if I should use this for an excuse to shut this topic once and for all.
I can pretend we met, and then he started acting like a dick, which led me to fly away, never wanting to speak to him again. Good cover story in which I don’t look like an idiot who believed this kind of fairytale happens in real life.
Unfortunately, I can’t lie worth a shit, so I exhale heavily, and she whispers, “Oh no. The asshole didn’t come?”
“Nope.” The wind slaps me on the cheek when I turn away from the view and focus my stare toward the exit, ready to bolt yet standing still. “I don’t think he is an asshole.” I can’t believe I’m defending him, but here we are. Old habits must indeed die hard. “He probably didn’t think I took his words seriously. Or he is late. Life happens, right?” I ask with hope in my voice, needing her to convince me that yes, it’s possible for him to be late and not stand me up.
Maybe that’s why I don’t move. I just want to wait a second longer and see him. I don’t know why I need it. After all, we’re nothing to each other, but…
Sometimes it feels like we’re connected on a deeper level. How many people meet in childhood and maintain that connection for years, despite being worlds apart, figuratively and literally?
Ridiculous and childish? Yes.
Doesn’t change how I feel though.
Leiken doesn’t let me stay in my illusions for long, her harsh voice penetrating through my dreams and crushing them so hard they scatter invisibly all over my feet. “Babe, it’s been almost thirty-five minutes. He’s not coming, but check your email first. If he’s truly late, he would’ve let you know.” She waits a beat before adding softer this time, “Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. But if there is no email, leave. Call me once you’re headed to the airport.” She hangs up on me, and I quickly check my email only to find it empty.
And in this, my heart pangs painfully along with the disappointment rushing through my veins, sinking its claws into me so hard that, for some reason, tears form in my eyes and I want to cry.
I should have known better than to hope for something magical to happen to me; whatever I have is the result of hard work and resolve.
But for a moment in time, I dared to hope to meet this boy who became a man again, and maybe this would have explained why I dated guys but never truly wanted to be with them.
Did I think Zach was my Prince Charming ready to claim the princess as his own, and then I’d have a love story like in the movies?
What a naïve fool. If I tell people, they’ll probably think I’ve lost my marbles.
Tapping my hand on the railing of the balcony, I rub the bracelet on my wrist and close my eyes, lifting my face to the harsh wind, welcoming the frigid air sticking in my lungs and allowing the cold to freeze me and block away all emotions.
Zach.
You ended up being one more person who left me. You never promised me anything, and I built you up in my head… all on my own.
With one last look at the magnificent view, I finally will my legs to move to the elevator that will take me downstairs and don’t pay attention to my surroundings, casting my gaze down so no one will see the single tear sliding down my cheek.
I press on the elevator button, not knowing one monumental thing.
One minute.
If I just waited one more minute…
I would have seen how he dashed inside from the stairs holding a bouquet of orchids, my favorite flowers, while his coat flapped open behind him, because he was in such a hurry to see me.
I would have seen how he frantically searched among countless people, trying to figure out which of the women reminded him of the girl he saw twice in his life.
I would have seen how he cursed at his phone, because the battery died a long time ago, and how he laced his fingers through his hair, pulling at it, oddly furious with himself for missing this meeting, even though his own emotions confused him.
I would have seen and experienced a lot of things.
But I didn’t wait.
And in this, our fates went their separate ways until they clashed in the most unexpected event.
Phoenix
“What are you doing here?” I ask, looking around for James, as he promised to circle the hospital a few times and wait for me at the side of the front door so not to block the exit for ambulances.
I’m not sure how he planned to accomplish that, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Zachary didn’t install some device or app on this phone to track my every moment, the fucking control freak!
“James had to go.” He pushes off the car, coming closer to me when I stop abruptly. I meet his stare as the tips of his leather shoes kick against mine, his masculine scent twitching my nostrils with a blast of wind.
His closeness sends awareness through me, goose bumps breaking on my skin while my body remembers how just hours ago this man held me in his arms, bringing me the pleasure it was deprived of for so long.
A headache starts in the back of my head, and I massage the spot, wincing a little, or maybe that’s what true self-loathing feels like?
As if from a distance, I hear him continue, “Besides, I wanted to check on you anyway. Since you apparently made it your mission to avoid my phone calls.” He doesn’t sound pleased I never picked up the phone whenever his name flashed on the display. What did he expect?
That I’d be singing serenades to him after last night and worship the ground he walks on?
Anger boils up inside me, and I snap at him. “I don’t need a babysitter.” But I wince again when the throbbing intensifies, and then his fingers trap my chin, lifting it up, his emerald eyes drilling into me as if searching for clues to what is making me so uncomfortable.