Exhaling heavily, I go to her side and kneel in front of the bed, my hand hovering over her head as tears stream down my cheeks, and I hold in the sob, running my fingers through her hair, trying to memorize her every feature and imagining what it would have been like to see her for the first time when she was just born.
Before the truth, she was one of the most perfect creatures I had seen in this world, and now… now, she is the most perfect creature I’ve ever seen.
I trail a finger over her forehead, down the bridge of her nose, to her lips before cupping her cheek and leaning forward to place a soft kiss on the top of her head, wishing I could hug her right now so close so no one could take her away from me again.
Forever protect her from the cruelty of people who are vicious in this world whenever they want to achieve something.
Rock her in my arms and promise her that I’d forever love her no matter what she does. Her mom will always be on her side.
And I can do none of those things, because for her, I’m just a stranger.
I could probably take her away now, go to the nearest police station, demand a DNA test, and they would have to investigate it. Zachary might have all the money and connections, but he cannot fight nature. Even calling Sebastian might have been a good idea; despite what Zachary thinks, he is not a cold asshole who would’ve turned his back on his child.
However, as a parent, you no longer have the luxury to think only about your needs. Your child comes first, and if I do all those things… I will shatter her perfect world.
I lean back before my tears can slide down onto her skin, but then she stirs, wrapping her hands around mine and pulling it toward her as she rolls to the side and hugs it to her chest. “Daddy,” she says sleepily and sighs. “You’re back.” And then she groans a little before settling on the pillow, still keeping my hand close.
Daddy.
That’s who my daughter calls for her in her sleep, Daddy and not a mommy.
And this one tiny word destroys me in a way all the knives in the world can’t.
Because here, in her bedroom where everything has been built for her desires, I cannot hide from the truth that with Zachary, she became a princess in a castle pampered with attention and love so strong that she constantly smiles and trusts easily.
The center of his universe.
A connection formed between them, and I won’t be able to break it. How can I?
Doing that would mean hurting Emmaline, and Zachary is right about one thing.
She would have none of those things had she stayed with me. How many years do they allow a child to stay in prison?
Best-case scenario, she would have grown up with Sebastian’s parents, because he would have been too busy to build his career around Emmaline.
If he even believed me, that is, and until that time… for how long would she have been in the system?
And her firsts?
All her firsts would have been inside the prison walls, imprinting in her life that Mommy did something bad, so she had to stay there.
Phoenix, please see it through my eyes.
Spinning around, I rest my back against the bed while hugging my knees, pressing my head on them.
None of those are good excuses for what Zachary did though, even if I can see where he was coming from, considering he hated me with a passion and thought I deserved it all.
But what do I do with this truth now? How do I live with it? What choices do I make that are the best for everyone?
If I block away the pain, the agony, and bitter memories… what do I do?
We shouldn’t live in the past, because there’s always tomorrow, tomorrow where we can change the direction of our lives, building a new future.
Between past and future, there is present though, which should bring joy and happiness instead of constant heartaches.
Somehow, whatever I decide now will write my fate for me for years to come, and I’ll have to live with that choice for eternity.
It should be easy, not complicated and hard. Shouldn’t we all live by the same morals? When someone does wrong or good, we act accordingly.
A funny thing about the heart though?
It wants what it wants, and it has the capacity to give second chances where maybe it shouldn’t, putting itself in the line of fire over and over again, risking it all in order to bet on something beautiful.
Can a heart fight a mind and win?
In this fight, where I need to pick a side…
What do I do?
Zachary
Pouring myself a glass of whiskey, I drop a few ice cubes in it and take a large sip, enjoying how the liquid burns my insides and keeps me grounded in the world, even if the madness slowly consumes me at the prospect of my future.
I walk toward the balcony in my room, stepping barefoot on the cold marble, and open my arms wide. Wearing nothing but gray sweatpants, I welcome the blasting wind that should freeze me to death but instead has no power to soothe the inferno raging in my heart.
When a man falls in love with a woman, he never thinks he will be the one to hurt her so much she would question her existence or hate him to the point of no return.
In our story though, everything is backwards.
When I hated Phoenix so much that I could suffocate on it, I never thought there would come a day where I begged for atonement.
Atonement I would never get.
Taking one more large gulp from the drink, I throw it over the balcony, watching it shatter into tiny little pieces on the concrete, because it doesn’t bring me my usual relief.
Alcohol numbed the pain in the past and gave me reprieve from the all-consuming helplessness; however, there is no reprieve now.
She is not your daughter. She is my and Sebastian’s daughter.
I will take her away. Nothing will stop me!
You are a monster. I hate you, Zach! I hate you!
How can I allow it? She might not be mine by blood, but Emmaline is mine all the same.
A memory from a long time ago plays in my head, as I grip the balcony’s railing, leaning on it and breathing heavily.
A small girl giggles, lifting her hands in my direction, but I stay in my spot, continuing to type on the computer, and say, “One second, baby girl. Daddy needs to finish this thing, and then we can go outside.” I quickly check the report and once again glance at Emmaline as she sits on the carpet only to blink in surprise when I see her standing, mumbling something at me as she extends her hands to me. “Oh, God, are you walking?” I ask her and sit up straight, afraid to step to her for fear of her falling down.
Instead, I grab my phone and turn on the camera, calling to her softly, “Come on, baby girl. Come here.” She presses her small fist to her mouth before squealing and walking toward me, her body moving too fast, and she sways a little, so I kneel down still recording but ready to catch her at any moment.
Two more short steps and she is in my arms. I hug her close and lift her up, enjoying her loud giggles echoing in the empty house.
A single tear slides down my cheek to my fucking astonishment, while just the idea of never seeing Emmaline again kills me, hitting with worse pain than even Angelica’s death.
Oh, God, is this what Phoenix has felt in the last years, the agony that rips you in two and doesn’t even let you breathe properly for fear of the pain poisoning your blood to the point of you not being able to function?
Maybe indeed I deserve such punishment, for I still cannot apologize for claiming Emmaline as mine.