Maybe it would’ve been.
Actually, it definitely would’ve been smarter to wait.
“I wanted them to know. I was tired of constantly living this lie in front of them. And I thought …” I trail off, not sure where my words are going.
“I thought maybe it’d help them change or something.” I don’t really know.
“I see.”
“I should’ve just waited.” I sink back in the couch, not realizing how heated I felt. “Then I wouldn’t be here.”
“Maybe,” Dr. Taylor starts to say. “But don’t you think you deserve to live openly as yourself?”
I don’t say anything. “Do you think what happened was a panic attack?”
Dr. Taylor nods. “Yes. That’s what it sounds like to me.”
“Okay …” I let out a long sigh. “Do you believe me? That it was them?”
“I do, Ben.”
“Why would they show up though? After all that?”
“Well, I don’t want to give them any credit, but maybe they’ve realized their mistake.”
“Seems a little late for that,” I tell her.
Dr. Taylor nods slowly. “That it does.”
Nathan doesn’t beg me to go to lunch with him again for the rest of the week, but I do anyway. Sophie and Meleika are nice, and they sort of act like they’ve known me for years instead of just a few days. But the closer we get to the weekend, the more I worry about tutoring Nathan.
It’s not the actual tutoring that worries me. I think it’s more that it’ll just be the two of us again. It shouldn’t scare me. We’ve been alone before. Or maybe it’s because I don’t know where he wants to do this. He can’t come over to Hannah’s house, and the idea of going over to his, where his parents will probably be, is scary.
I have no idea what I am going to do, so I text the only person who might give me a straightforward answer.
Me: So I need some advice.
Except Mariam must be busy, because I’ve been waiting for their reply for a few hours now. I even go down to the kitchen to grab a bag of Doritos, less because I am actually hungry and more because I just want something to do.
I’m about to give up before the laptop makes the ding!
Mariam: What’s up, buttercup?
Me: it’s a boy.
Mariam: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Me: no, not like that!
Mariam: Okay start from the beginning.
Me: He’s the one who showed me around the school.
Mariam: Nathan? That guy you were telling me about?
Me: Yeah
I feel bad for venting about Nathan behind his back, especially since he’s been nothing but nice to me. But Mariam is always willing to listen to my rants, no matter the subject. One time we spent the entire day arguing back and forth against the need to gender robots in Star Wars.
Mariam: He sounds really nice tbh
Me: Sometimes to a fault
Mariam: So what’s the issue???
Me: I offered to tutor him.
Mariam: And????
Me: I don’t really know…
Me: He can’t come over here, he doesn’t even know I live with Hannah.
Mariam: And you don’t want to go over to his house?
Me: It makes me nervous.
Mariam: Understandable.
Mariam: Well, what if you went out? Got some lunch or coffee or something? Go to a public place.
Me: I don’t know, this is the first time I’ve done something like this…
Mariam: Your parents didn’t let you go out with friends?
Me: They would… but no one ever really wanted to hang out around me.
I was always seen as that “weird” kid. The one who was too quiet and never wanted to hang out with kids on the playground. That reputation sort of followed me through middle school and right up until I left Wayne High.
Mariam: that sucks, I know the feeling all too well
Me: Why am I freaking out so much?
Mariam: You’ve been through a lot, Benji, I mean, the last month has been rough for you, it’s okay to be scared or worried.
Me: But he’s just a boy. And I don’t know…
Me: He seems too nice to hate what I am
Mariam: Trust me hun, boys are scary. I lived with two of them and dated three. And you’ve seen Twitter, right? A cesspool.
Okay, that makes me laugh. This is why I always go to Mariam. They can usually make me feel better, no matter how stressed I am about something.
Mariam: But this Nathan dude seems like a good guy. And not one of those self-proclaimed good guys or whatever who tips his hat with a m’lady.
Me: Maybe…
Mariam: Do you actually want to hang out with him?
Me: Yeah. He’s nice.
Mariam: I think you owe it to yourself. Making friends is hard but having someone your own age can help. Even if he doesn’t know what you’re going through exactly, you both know that feeling. I’ve never met a single teen that has it all together.
Mariam: And as much as I love my title as your bestie there’s only so much I can do when we’re a country apart from each other.
Me: How’d you get so smart, Mariam?
Mariam: I didn’t graduate from Berkeley with a 4.0 for nothing.
Me: Thanks.
I roll over and grab my phone off my nightstand. Nathan stole it at lunch yesterday, so now there’s a close-up selfie of the two of us set as my background. In fact, I’m pretty sure my camera roll is now an even 60 percent reference photos, 40 percent Nathan selfies.
We didn’t confirm anything about the tutoring yet, and I’m not even sure that he remembers what we agreed to. Oh God, what if he doesn’t remember, and I just text him right out of the blue and he has no idea what I’m talking about?
Or what if he doesn’t want me to tutor him anymore? I’m not sure which might be worse.
Me: Still up for tomorrow?
I hit send before I can delete the message, and go back to watching this YouTube tutorial on brushstrokes and how to control them better. The laptop and my phone go off seconds apart, the little ding! letting me know that Nathan’s texted back.
Nathan: Ben?
I’m a moron. This is the first time we’ve texted, so he wouldn’t have my number, which means that he just got a completely random text from some unknown number.
Nathan: Bennnnnnnnnn is that youuuuuuuuuuuuu?
Me: Sorry, forgot you didn’t have my number.
Nathan: It’s cool. This is Ben De Backer right? Not some weird coincidence where I’ve somehow caught the attention of two Bens?
Me: That seems statistically improbable. But yes, this is De Backer, Ben.
Nathan: So what are we up for tomorrow?
Me: Tutoring, if you’re still interested?
Nathan: Oh right! Yeah I need it. Ms. Sever gave us this practice exam to do. Do you just want to come over to my house?
I read back through Mariam’s messages on my laptop before responding. I don’t really know how to explain myself to him. Hey, can we maybe meet somewhere that isn’t either of our houses? As if I’m not already enough of a weirdo.
Me: That sounds fine.
I hit send before I can delete it.
Nathan: KK.