“I didn’t say that you shouldn’t feel sad. I’m just saying you need to prove them wrong.” Her words echo for a bit, settling in my ears. “Be sad, hell, sit in bed all weekend and just watch Netflix. I’ve had those times too. But don’t stop living your life for them.” I feel her drop back down onto the bed. “I know it’s hard, and I know that you need help, but you’ve got some amazing friends who are there for you, and amazing opportunities. And an amazing sister, if I can toot my own horn. But you can’t let them control you like this, Ben.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“No, it isn’t.” She sighs. “There are still days I feel like they’re right behind me, waiting. I’m always sort of scared it’ll never go away.”
I try my best not to breathe, not to move a muscle.
“Because even when I finally got out of that goddamn house they still had a hold on me. And it’s breaking my heart to see you going through the same thing, Ben.”
“I …”
“I want you to have a good life. I don’t want you to waste years trying to forget about them like I did. You’ve got this amazing support system of people who care about you. I mean, when I moved out I hardly had anyone. People I’d talked to in Goldsboro maybe once or twice. I’m actually jealous of your friends, if I’m being honest. They seem pretty awesome.”
I let myself smile. “They are.”
“I know … I know none of this has been easy. But I think you owe it to yourself. Lying in bed, you’ve got nothing but time to sit here and think about every little thing they did.”
“I don’t think you really know what’s going on, Hannah.”
“I don’t,” she says. “Not really. Only you can know that.” She sighs. “But I was in a similar spot when I finally got out from underneath them.”
“And what helped you get out of it?” I ask.
“Putting myself out there. Making friends, doing things. It kept me from thinking about them all the time.”
I let her words sink in. And I know she’s right. I can’t just sit in this bed for the rest of my life. But right now, it’s all I seem capable of. The universe has crashed down around me and all I can do is lie in the aftermath.
Maybe I’m being dramatic.
And maybe I’m not. I don’t know.
But what I do know is that Hannah’s right. And I think it’s time I made a decision for myself.
“I’m going to tell Nathan and Meleika you aren’t coming. Maybe we’ll order takeout tonight or something.” She pats my leg, and I feel the bed relax as Hannah stands up, her footsteps inching closer to the door.
“Hannah?” I say, my voice hoarse.
“Yeah?”
I sit up, catching sight of myself in the mirror behind my dresser. God, I look like death. “I’ll go,” I say. “Tell them I’ll be down in fifteen minutes.”
“So, what do we do first?” Sophie pulls her car into the parking lot of this huge sports complex. Reading off the list of things we can do already makes me regret my decision to come here. But it’s too late now.
“Bowling!” Meleika shouts. “I’m going to kick all your asses.”
“Pssh.” Nathan rolls his eyes. “If they let you put in the kiddie rails, maybe.”
“Ben?” Sophie asks.
“Bowling is fine.” I’ll probably just sit there and watch anyway.
We show our student IDs at the door, and it’s already pretty chaotic in here. “Come on.” Nathan leads us to the side of the complex with the huge “Bowling” sign. It must not be the most popular sport in Raleigh, because five of the twelve lanes are open.
Thankfully Meleika picks the one right at the very end. We both sit down at the center console seat, eyes bouncing from the screen in front of us to the one hanging from the ceiling.
“Oh, you don’t have to put me in,” I say when I see her typing in my name.
“Come on, you’ve got to do at least one game,” she says.
“I’m not that good at bowling.”
“Last time we were here, Nathan bowled a forty.” She keeps her voice low. “You’ll be fine.”
“How is that even possible?” I ask.
“Hey, no whispering.” Nathan goes over to the machine that cranks out the balls and fiddles around with a few before settling on one that fits his long fingers. Sure enough, the second it lands, the ball drifts to the right, sinking into the gutter.
I can’t stop myself from laughing. “Oh my God.”
Nathan’s giving us such an evil look while he waits for his ball to return. His second try goes marginally better, but he only knocks down two pins.
“Are you, like, trying to be bad on purpose?” Sophie asks.
“No, no, he is not,” Meleika says under her breath before looking right at me. “Your turn.”
Besides birthday parties as a kid, I’ve never bowled before, and back then we did have those rail things, so I was sort of, accidentally, the best one there. I don’t even know what sort of ball I’m looking for though, so I take the light pink one. It seems to fit my fingers all right, and it’s not too heavy.
I throw the ball down the lane, scared for a moment that I’m going to go along with it, but it slips right off my fingers and glides smoothly, striking the pins right in the middle and sending all of them toppling. The big screen above me flashes with a huge red X.
“That’s good, right?” They should probably find a better way to show off a strike. The three of them are all clapping for me when I take my seat again.
“We’ll say it’s beginner’s luck.” Nathan pats my shoulder.
“And we’ll say it’s you being a sore loser.” Sophie takes her turn.
It’s actually pretty fun, as much as I hate to admit it. Nathan’s as terrible as Meleika promised, barely scraping by with a 60. According to Meleika, that’s the highest she’s ever seen him get. At first the strike is just beginner’s luck, but after a while I get the hang of it and end up with 200.
“Are you sure you aren’t some secret professional bowler, and you just want us to feel bad about ourselves?” Sophie drops off a basket of fries in the middle of the table. More and more people have begun to flow in, meaning there is a line for the lanes now. So we only get in one game before we have to take a break.
“I promise.” My phone buzzes in my pocket.
Mariam: officially landed in NC, gonna nap for 15 hours. Don’t ever fly, Ben, it’s not worth it.
I laugh to myself and send them a few kissy emojis.
Me: sleep well, see you tomorrow.
“Who is that?” Nathan leans over my shoulder. “Texting quite a few kissy faces.”
My first instinct is to throw my phone across the room. “No one,” I say, sipping my drink.
“So, what do we do now?” Meleika bites a fry in half.
“What are we supposed to do?” I ask.
“It’s just whatever we want to do,” Sophie says. “The school rents out the whole place until like six in the morning, so we’ve got plenty of time.”