“So, um …” I rub the back of my neck.
Great. It only took point-five seconds for me to get awkward. That must be some sort of record.
“Oh, don’t get all flustered on me.” Mariam nudges me with their elbow. “Come on, we’re getting coffee and you’re showing me around.”
“Can’t promise you I’ll be a good tour guide,” I say.
“Excellent, you always find the best places when you get lost.”
And lost is what we are after just ten minutes, but with Mariam it isn’t so bad. We just sort of wander around aimlessly, picking any direction to go in. There’s this weird used bookstore where everything inside has yellowed horribly, and the smell is unbearable. And once we’re back outside and take in a few lungfuls of actual, sort-of-clean air, we head across the street to a frozen yogurt shop.
My iced coffee is still sitting heavy in my stomach, so I go with a plain vanilla and chocolate fudge. Mariam loads up though. I’m pretty sure at least half their bill is from toppings alone. I see gummy worms and bears, cherries, almonds, and Oreo crumbs. And that’s just the top layer.
“How do you eat all that?” I ask.
“Listen, I didn’t have time for dinner last night or breakfast. And the lunch at the school was a total bust, so I’m treating myself.”
“That combination can’t be good.”
“You’re right, but I don’t care.” Mariam picks off a gummy worm covered in chocolate and acts like they’re going to throw it at me.
“Hey.” I duck. “So where are we going?”
“Don’t know. I want to see the water.”
“Don’t you live in California?”
“And?” They shrug.
“Fine,” I say, and before I know it, we’ve both sort of automatically drifted toward this park. Not Pullen, this is a different one. But there’s still a trail and plenty of places to relax in the shade.
“So, how was last night?” God, it still feels like they’re going to vanish right before my eyes. “You were out with your friends, right?”
“Yeah, it was fun,” I say.
“You got a date for prom yet? Or has that already happened?”
“No, and not yet. Next week, I think, but I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
I shake my head. “Why would I?”
“’Cause it’s a lot of fun. You shouldn’t miss out like that.”
“I don’t have a date,” I say. “Or a tuxedo.” Not that I’d really want to wear one.
“So? What about Nathan? You two could just go as friends. Plenty of people do that.”
“Yeah, that’s so not happening.” I don’t think I could stomach that. We’d be so close, but we couldn’t take that leap. That jump. It’d be a night of punishing myself with every look, every touch.
“Yikes, the crush has been crushed.”
“I’m just wondering what the point is.”
“Well, that’s the real question, isn’t it?” Mariam takes their last spoonful of yogurt. “The gummy bears were too much.”
I take their empty bowl in the trash along with mine. “The hot fudge might’ve been overkill too.”
“Hot fudge is always necessary. So, I’ll pretend you didn’t say that.” They sigh and lean against the railing, looking down at the water beneath us. “So what, you’ll pine over summer break, and then never see him again?”
“That’s the plan. I’m sure he’ll come back for holidays and break.” But it’ll never be the same. He’ll get new friends, find people he likes better. Hell, he might come back home one day with a boyfriend, or girlfriend, or partner. Someone who isn’t as much of a burden as I am.
“Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. It’s not fun, Benji.”
“You say that like I don’t already know.” I let out a slow breath and stare down at the water. Much bluer in the daylight now, but still dark.
“You deserve a happy life, Ben.” Mariam keeps going. “More than anyone I know. You’re such a smart kid, and you’re so kind, and you’ve got so much love to give.”
“Sometimes the world isn’t so fair,” I say.
“I think you’re a living testament to that. Don’t you think you owe it to yourself to at least try?”
“I’ve been thinking about it.” Last night, Nathan told me I could talk to him about anything, right? Anything. I wonder if that means he already knows something, or if he suspects I’m gay, or bisexual, or pansexual. Or if he’s somehow figured out the nonbinary deal. I should be able to tell him anything. He’s never given me a reason not to trust him.
“Good! You should do it, I think it’s the right choice.”
“Maybe.” Because what have I done to deserve someone like Nathan? “What if he rejects me? Or doesn’t want to be around me. I’ll have to come out, there’s no way I can’t.”
“If he won’t accept you, then fuck him. But he doesn’t seem like that kind of person.”
“You don’t even know him.”
“True. But I know you. And you’re so in love with him it isn’t funny. It’s time to make your grand declaration. I’m sure we could find another T-shirt cannon around here.”
I can’t help but laugh. “Oh, that’s so easier said than done.”
“I know.” They sigh. “But it’s the truth. And you’ve only got two more weeks of school, and after that, you’ve got three months with him. What is there to lose? Be brave.”
“The last time I was brave I got kicked out of my house.”
“Sometimes it’s worth it to try again,” Mariam adds. “And Nathan isn’t like your parents.”
“I know.”
“You ever dream of just driving back to their house and telling them off?”
“I’d be happier if I never had to see them again. That’d be the real gift.”
Mariam giggles. “Damn, kid, you’re cold.”
“I’m done with them.” I shrug.
It’s odd. Before all this, I don’t know what I believed about them. Even that night on the roof, I told Nathan I might still love them. I don’t think I did then, but there’s really no telling what I thought exactly.
Now I know for certain. They don’t deserve my love.
And I sure as hell don’t need theirs.
“Good call.”
Deep down, I know Mariam’s right. And I know Nathan won’t hate me, he can’t, but there’s still that fear.
And maybe it is worth the risk. I’ve never felt like this for another person. Ever. When I’m with him, it already feels like I’m out, that he knows. Because he makes me feel more like myself than anyone I’ve ever known.
Then there’s that urge. The one I felt before I came out to Mom and Dad. When I first realized I’m nonbinary, it was like this secret. One that I only I knew. Part of me wanted to keep it that way. But as the months passed, I felt it all bubbling over. Every comment at home or at school. Every time I was called Mr. or sir.