“Please don’t remind me.”
“I’ll be right there in the audience, cheering you on.”
I angle myself so I can kiss him. Those soft lips have quickly become my favorite part of Nathan. “No audience in this kind of meeting.”
“I’ll just sneak in. I told you, emotional support comes before modeling.” He lets out a deep sigh and we both stare at the sun, slowly but surely sinking beneath the surface of the dark ocean. “I wish you all the best, Benjamin De Backer.”
They aren’t the same words, but I know exactly what he means.
“I love you too.”
I started writing I Wish You All the Best when I decided I wanted to tell the story that I needed when I was younger. This book is what I needed when I was fifteen, when I was eighteen, and it’s still the story I need in my twenties. This is how a lot of stories are born: out of necessity.
Writing this book helped me confront my own anxieties and depression, and, ultimately, it helped me confront myself. I realize it may be harder for some readers to understand this, and for others, it’ll be an all too relatable reality. For a long time, I struggled to realize who exactly I am, and in a lot of ways I still do. I struggle believing myself when I tell people that I’m nonbinary. I still have a hard time correcting others when they use the wrong pronouns because I don’t want to make them uncomfortable or make them feel bad. Some mornings I look in the mirror and hate what I see because I feel as if my body isn’t up to the standard as other members of the queer community.
Some days are better than others. Days where my confidence is off the charts and I feel perfectly comfortable in my body and my incredibly tacky style. And as I’ve gotten older and have surrounded myself with people like me, I find that those days happen more often than not.
When I set out to write this book, my one hope was that it would make people feel less alone, no matter how or why you related to Ben. Or even Nathan, or Hannah, or anyone else in this book. I wanted to do for others what I’d helped do for myself: to let readers be able to see a piece of themselves in these words.
And remember: Whatever happens, I wish you all the best.
—Mason Deaver
So yeah, I Wish You All the Best is out, it’s here, it’s in your hands in some form or another. It’s been a journey. A weird, long journey through which I discovered that I am terrible at writing emails, a tad impatient, and apparently incapable of not working on something while the waiting eats at me from the inside out.
But I survived, mostly thanks to my amazing support system and friends who kept me going by encouraging me, even when I was at my lowest.
Robin, one of my dearest friends and to whom this book is dedicated: Without you, this book would not exist. Literally. Our texts and late-night calls helped pull me out of writing funks. You’ve been there since the start of Ben and Nathan, when they were two kids in college, staring up at the night sky and denying their feelings for each other. Seriously, it might not sound like it, but this book went through a lot of changes, and you were there for all of them. Start to finish.
Mariam Haidari, who let me borrow their name for this book: You’ve been the best parent to Ben and Nathan, and your support has meant the most to me. The way you talked about these kids, the way you loved them and supported them. It made me believe they would one day be real. And now they are. Your status as their #1 parent is cemented in these words. And here is where I’ll apologize for all the mysterious notes I send you that cause you to worry over the well-being of all your future fictional kids.
Shauna, Cam, and Huong: You three are some of my best friends in the world, and I can’t imagine going on this journey without the three of you there to share the experience with.
Becky Albertalli for her priceless help during the editing stages and for her books that kept me going. For her kinds words and optimism about the future of this story, and her help along the way. Seriously, I owe you so much. Besides, you gave me my first piece of Ben fan art!
My agent, Lauren Abramo, who left me absolutely speechless during our first phone call. A lot of people believed in Ben and Nathan, but Lauren was the first person who I felt truly understood what I wanted to do with this story. I knew from the first call that we’d be great together, and I’m glad I trusted my gut.
Jeffrey West, who has been an absolute dream editor and has seen things where I haven’t and helped me make this story into something truly fantastic. I’ve been lucky to find two people to work with who truly understood the story I was trying to tell.
To my early readers who gave me their sound advice and careful eyes. But mostly, you guys kept me going during hard times. Ava, Cody, Camryn, Kav, Fadwa, Megan, and Sarah.
Roseanne Wells, who first proposed a huge revision and made this book all the better for it, even if you are team pancake.
To Caleb, Kari, TJ, and Alice, who helped bring Ben and Nathan to life with their stunning artwork, which I love with all my heart.
And to all my amazing friends online who gave their constant support through this whole journey. Through the writing and the editing and the waiting. Jonas (who gave me the name De Backer), Claribel, Sabina, both Jays, Nic, Olivia, Sandhya, Meleika (who also let me borrow their name!), Kimberly, Janani, Meredith, Sona, Zoraida, and anyone else who has followed this book since it was nothing more than three hundred poorly written pages with the name #EnbyLoveStory. Seriously, you all kept me going through this entire journey, and your support means the world to me.
In the words of Andrew Gold, though preferably sung by Cynthia Fee: Thank you for being a friend.
Lastly, to my mother, who is one of the bravest people I know and the person I love most in this world.
And to my father: You never got the chance to see these words, to know about this book in all its detail. Truthfully, I don’t know if you would’ve liked it, and I don’t know if you would’ve liked me, but we’ll never really know, will we? You only told me that you wanted me to be the next J. K. Rowling. And while I’m not sure I’d want that, I hope this is close enough.
Mason Deaver is a nonbinary author and bookseller from a small town in North Carolina where the word “y’all” is used in abundance. When they aren’t writing or working, they’re typically found in their kitchen baking something that’s bad for them or out in their garden complaining about the toad that likes to dig holes around their hydrangeas. You can find them online at masondeaverwrites.com and on Twitter at @masondeaver.