“Do people still use that word? You’re like an old timer with a young hot model’s body,” I stated, staring long and hard at Stace. Sometimes I didn’t know how we became friends. Being this different only forced me to wonder harder.
“Fugly is so fetch,” Stace rebutted.
Of freaking course. My inner Mean Girls fangirl wanted to rebut her reference.
I fake-twirled my hair, popping imaginary gum. “I don’t know why I keep you around.” Smack, smack, smack. She hated chewing, Misophonia, when someone chewed like a cow or crunched a certain way, and it made you ready to tear their faces off.
“Stop fucking chewing,” she groaned, smacking her forehead. I stopped, praying she didn’t stab me with a pen or whatever was closest to us.
Chad’s message popped up.
“I’d love to get to know you. Do you like coffee?” I read out loud.
Stace laughed uncontrollably, clutching her midsection.
“What?” My intrigue always got me in trouble, but I truly didn’t see the hilarity in it.
“That means do you want to stick his willy in your peep hole.” Tears streamed her face from holding back amusement.
I wasn’t far behind her. I’m so not trendy.
“I write romance and didn’t know this!” I exclaimed, my voice shrill and exuberant.
“It could be completely innocent, but that is a codename for go-time.” She made quotation marks and pelvic-thrusted the air. I’m not that ancient!
“Glad I have a hip friend.” The mockery oozed from my lips.
“Babe, no one says that anymore, but don’t worry, I got you.” Stace side-hugged me.
“Of course, you do.”
“You know, like you want Ronda Rousey to have you,” she teased.
“I’m seriously questioning your sexuality, Stace.” She kissed my cheek, then licked it, “I don’t think I like the way women taste,” she placed her hand on her chin in contemplation. “But I’d try anything once.”
Of course, she would. She got way off topic, might as well offer that change of conversation I needed.
“Stace, earlier you mentioned writing a book on my dating adventures and being swept up by a hot as fuck dude. I think that’s what I’ll do to get me to a happy place again. A new book that will make fun of the dating world. It’ll catalogue my triumphs and absurd downfalls. Each date I’ll type up when I get home, no matter how hilarious, horrid, or steamy they get. I’ll call it The Babes & Bros Diary. I don’t think I’ll jump on the dating wagon, but maybe this will inspire my characters?” My grin practically broke my face. Eagerness overwhelmed me in the best way. When stories hit this hard, anticipation bubbled inside me, driving my words to create magic.
“Dude, that will be epic. How will you conceal their identity?”
“Just like I have in the past, label em’ as I call em’. Instead of Chad, it’ll be McStudMuffin. It’ll be a hit!” I threw my hands in the air and nearly dropped the laptop in the process.
“Careful, babe!”
Stace’s frantic tone brought my excitement down a notch. This laptop was only a year old. I needed to be careful. These things weren’t cheap whatsoever.
“Wait. How do you know he’s a stud muffin?”
Valid point. Two for you, Glen Coco!
“I don’t, but I have this feeling.”
“What? A lady boner? A she-boner? Eh? Eh?” She wiggled her eyebrows.
Instead of acknowledging it with verbal a response, I rolled my eyes dramatically.
“You’ve got to tell me about each one, and I’ll beta read it for you.” She took the laptop and placed it on her knees.
“Deal.”
There was no one I’d rather have reading my book. She always had critical things to say in a constructive way. I’d never had a beta who dedicated their time and thoughts as much as my best friend did.
“How does this exactly work?” I asked. I’d never done this before.
“Just direct message him for a date,” she said, pointing at the message button.
I clicked it, hoping this dude wasn’t a creep, but a nice fellow.
Hi Chad,
I’d love to meet up for dinner, I’m available tomorrow night.
Sincerely,
Rebel
I clicked send, praying he didn’t take my being formal as being boring. Oh my god, I can’t believe I did it! I made the first move for once. No funny business, this was for my book, nothing more. Maybe it’d change me, make me feel better about Carl leaving.
A girl could hope.
2
McStudMuffin-Chad
Author Dating Rule #348: Your name in my stories will fit your personality, so don’t be an asshole.
Rebel
I spent the entire day wondering what to wear. As I flipped through my hundreds of custom-made dresses, I realized I really needed to downsize. I’m definitely new to the dating scene.
Deciding on a black and red retro-style dress that hugged my chest and tied behind my neck, I felt somewhat confident. It’s not too bad, but I hated the way I looked on my best days. Never mind my bad ones.
“I’m so nervous!” I squealed, throwing my hands in the air. I hadn’t felt this excited for anything other than books, and I only hoped it permeated in the air like stale flatulence.
“Ah, don’t be babe. Your tits look nice.” Stacy grinned, her eyebrows shooting up and down in a suggestive manner. She did the squeezing boobs gesture with her hands.
I’d worn my demi push-up bra, better known as I want my girls to look good, suffocating-tits-holder.
Since the whole Carl debacle, she’d been staying with me. She lived with Hales, our only other friend in town. Haley lived over on Washington Boulevard in a townhome. Her and Stace shared the rent and utilities. She temporarily lived here, not only as a support system, but also so he didn’t try to worm his way back into my life. He could be desperate when necessary, and she was waiting for that bomb to drop.
I personally only believed his desperateness would have to do with needing a place to stay. Hotels in Mt. Pleasant weren’t exactly luxury. He believed he deserved more than what he had. Exactly why he cheated, he “deserved” more.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were lesbo.” I winked.
My joking retort making her glower, but it was funny nonetheless.
“I can appreciate a nice rack, and I’m manlier than Carl ever was. Hell, my balls make his grapes seem even smaller.” Stace grabbed her nad-less vagina, and it had me in tears, the good ones.
“True that.” I stifled a laugh. Hurrying to get dressed, I placed my dress on and had Stace zip up the back.
“That dress looks fabulous on you. I could just kiss you.” Her hot pink glossed lips scrunching up toward me. Pornstar lips and she owned them.
“I’m guessing that’s a good thing?” Giving myself a once-over, I didn’t see the appeal. I prayed I’d get my confidence back. It’d been on holiday for too long. Since him.
“Very. Head out. You’ve got a long drive.” She shooed me out the door and walked me to my car.