I just want to let him know my whereabouts in case he gets an urge to see me. I stay up, working and waiting for an answer that never comes. My condo feels too big and my life too empty. I’m a forty-year-old bachelor with no life outside of work, which didn’t bother me yesterday but is now a reality I can’t escape.
Closing my eyes, I decide nothing is worth doubting myself. Not even Luke Gritt.
10
Dex
It takes around three more weeks for everything to go to shit. Luke isn’t asking for too much of my time, but there’s a distance between us. I can’t give him more of me without compromising the fragile balance of my life, but I do spend most of my free time with him. In the beginning, he kept trying to pop up at the office or spend the evenings with me, but since my trip to Minnesota, I’ve barely seen him. I stopped going to the club or using the app to fuck around. I faced the little emotions I had for the guy and agreed to let him fuck me. I even let him into one of the hardest parts of my past, but that’s not enough. Luke certainly knows it, as he’s been extremely busy all of a sudden, certainly avoiding me.
Add to the mix that my father is sick and nobody knows what the fuck is going on, and I’m overstressed. My father’s only symptom is dizziness, but no lab or exam can explain why. It’s driving me insane, and I can’t juggle it all. Something has to give, and it can’t be my work or my family.
* * *
“I spoke to Virginia today,” Luke says while caressing my arm, dragging me out of my thoughts. “I think it went well. She didn’t want me to follow her upstairs to PT, but I did anyway. Fuck, have you seen her therapist? He’s hot, you were right.”
I gulp. I don’t know why what he’s saying tastes like betrayal, but it does. It bothers me that he finds someone else hot. I don’t want him looking at another man, but I have no problem doing that. I know that’s not fair to him—and that’s when I see the perfect opportunity to end what we’re doing before I drown in a swamp of feelings and resentment.
“You should go for it,” I say casually while reading one of the many files I need to go through before tomorrow.
When Luke stops touching me, I know what’s coming. “I should go for it? Seriously, babe? Like, you want me to go after another man?”
He’s hurt. I can hear it in his voice. The thing is, we’re not a couple. We’re friends having fun. I have no right to cage him if I don’t want to give him what he needs.
“Sure. If that’s what you want, I can’t tell you not to,” I say, not even looking at him.
“Dex, what’s going on?”
I sigh to show him I’m annoyed even if I’m not, but keep my eyes on the paper I’m reading. “You want a boyfriend, and I can’t be it. I don’t have time, and I don’t want you not to have what you want or need because I’m a selfish prick who likes having you around.”
Luke sits up and scratches his beard. “I’m not asking for anything. We barely saw each other in the past weeks, as we’ve both been busy, so I don’t get when I gave you the vibe that I wanted more than what we have.”
“But that’s exactly it. I can’t give you any of my time right now. We should stop before it gets too complicated.”
I feel him losing patience, which is an accomplishment in itself. Luke is so laid-back, it drives me insane. He crosses his legs and raises an eyebrow. He’s only wearing his black briefs, and his groin is calling my mouth, so I do all in my power to avert my gaze from his junk.
“Look at me.”
I oblige, sliding my glasses to the tip of my nose to look at him over them. I have trouble focusing at night, so if he looks a little blurry, I can finish this mission without wanting to fuck him too much.
“So you invited me here for a last fuck before releasing me from our unspoken contract, and you were just waiting for an opportunity to let me know?”
I nod.
“Is that why you were busy these past weeks?”
I nod again, because I’m an asshole. I can’t tell him I was busy because I missed him too much, missed the annoying way he calls me babe or hugs me tightly. I can’t share that I like him taking care of me. I can’t be what he wants, I don’t know how to, and I’m certainly not what he needs.
“Okay then.” He gets up and dresses. “You’re a fucking child. We could talk about it, put all our cards on the table, but you just dismiss me like I’m a side piece? I’m so fucking disappointed in you. And in myself. Fuck. How could I think you were different with me than with anybody else? I’m…” He sighs heavily. “I’ll go now.”
He walks away, but I don’t move. I go back to my file. That’s what’s best for us anyway.
Before leaving my bedroom, he turns back to me. “Just so you know, I lied to Virge today and sent Ryan to pick her up instead of me. I pretended I couldn’t be there for her, like you asked me to, so Ry would have a chance to talk to her. It worked out. But I’m done lying to our friends. I’m not doing it as a favor to you. I’m done taking care of other people’s plants if they’re not going to water them. You should do the same. I’ll see you around.”
And as much as I wanted to have sex with Luke as often as possible, suddenly I’m alone in an apartment I hate with a bed that carries too many memories for me to sleep in. I get up and crash in the guest bedroom nobody ever uses and where it doesn’t smell like him.
The next weeks are horrible. If I didn’t know better, I’d say I’m in love. But I know it’s just lust. Lost lust over the best lay of my life. Unlike Luke, I don’t want a relationship. I’m not afraid to end up alone. I never saw my future with another man, and I don’t count on love to find happiness. That’s overrated. I mean, you’re happy or you’re not. My work makes me happy. My friends do—when they don’t annoy me. Finding someone who has my back and takes care of me is optional. It’s not something I need.
* * *
We’re at Ian and Julie’s for a stupid gathering of some sort, and Luke brought a date. To make matters worse, Virginia didn’t come and Asher is nowhere to be found. Ryan is here, but that’s not any consolation since he’s best friends with my tattooed guy.
I can’t stand seeing Luke happy in his new relationship with the fucking PT I told him to run to. Luke is smiling, shining, thriving, and I’m my miserable self. I have nobody else to blame but myself. I thought we were friends, but apparently we’re strangers with a few fucks under our belts. I’m pathetic. I broke my rules for him, I let him in then set him free, and now I’m the one hung up on him. I’m scared of losing him even if he’s not mine to lose and never was.
I’m not an idiot who needs years of therapy to know I ran from something that could have been great. I just can’t have someone waiting for me to be available. We’d date, then we’d fight and end up hating each other. My stupid ass knew better than to send Luke into the arms of the perfect guy, but I did it anyway. And look at him now, in love with his all-American boy. The gay ex-military man with the million-buck smile. It all worked out how it should have. I’m alone again and isn’t that what I wanted?